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Original poster

Long distance partner saying he 'can't visit' this month

85 replies

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 08:53

I recently stayed with my long distance partner for a week at his home. We are 3 hours apart on the UK. We usually take turns, as he can often attend meetings online. He teaches at a university and his term doesn't properly start until November.

Admittedly, I have more flexibility overall to work remotely.

He also will come to me for a weekend or previously has fit his visits in a way where he then leaves for meetings.

Talking about when we'd next see each other I said will you come to visit me next this month and he said 'sorry I can't, I have meetings'. But it's an entire month and this was the end of the explanation?

The idea then was we'd meet in the middle at a city for a weekend but now it looks far too expensive, i'd expect him to make an effort

OP posts:
justfornow1 · 06/09/2024 10:02

Also came to say the rail card will only work if you travel together.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:53

@LlynTegid I doubt it. I just left him a few days ago after being at his for a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:52

@summitesay do you mean me visit him mid September?

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 06/09/2024 09:51

Alarm bells would ring in my head. Is there someone else he has met in the last couple of weeks or so?

summitesay · 06/09/2024 09:49

So if it's been fairly equal to now

I'd do a visit mid September. See him the twice in October and see what he's offering in November

If he's expecting you to visit twice a month and he do zero it would be a no thanks from me

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:47

@Starlight1979 well this month we agreed to meet at a city in between both but now we've looked it is far too expensive

I think 3 hours is nothing and hes taking the piss. I'm going to ask him to look at when he can visit and if he comes up with excuses I won't be impressed.

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 09:47

I said will you come to visit me next this month and he said 'sorry I can't, I have meetings'.

He has meetings every single day and night between now and October?

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:46

@BleachedJumper we've broached this but not discussed fully.

He said he'd be up for living together but in a new place and that we don't need to rush. True but I am early 30s.

I just stayed with him for a week and he said the place feels quite empty without me there. We got used to having all our meals together etc so I felt the same.

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 09:45

He has already said at the start of September that he can't fit in seeing you until October? And he lives 3 hours away?! And you've only been dating a year?!

So many alarm bells here.

Me and DP would do over 100 miles every single weekend (and sometimes on week nights!) in the early days as we both had our own houses and responsibilities. Yes it was a pain in the arse but we were desperate to see each other! He was once in work all day, with his mum in hospital all evening and then drove 60 miles to mine at midnight, only to have to get up at 6am to leave for work. When you want to be with someone, you just do it.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:42

@summitesay a bit hard to count 6 months but we have always taken turns until now. I visit, he visits, etc

But it's supposed to be twice a month

OP posts:
summitesay · 06/09/2024 09:40

So in the past 6 months how many visits have you done and how many has he done?

BleachedJumper · 06/09/2024 09:38

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:23

Yesterday he said he was buying a family rail card we can share to reduce train costs

Which is great, as long as I'm not the only one using it!

As far as I’m aware the family/two together railcards only work if you are physically travelling together for the duration of a journey, it can’t be shared for solo travel.

Ultimately, all long distance relationships will reach a crunch point of one person wanting development/more, and needing to have a conversation regarding the future. Have you discussed what the future looks like? Is it going to remain a long distance relationship?

Biggaybear · 06/09/2024 09:38

Find someone closer to home who is available more. Or put up with it. Doesn't seem like he is bothered or wants to see you more.

Btw......not seeing someone one month is no real biggie imo. But if it matters to you then do something about it.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:34

@Whenthechipshitthefan the issue he is saying he can't visit me THIS month - September

October isn't an issue

OP posts:
Whenthechipshitthefan · 06/09/2024 09:32

Hold on. So he can't visit you during the week next month because of meetings/a slightly heavier workload that week, but you have 2 weekends away in that time so will see each other every other week?
I think I must have misunderstood because I can't see the problem.
Me and (now) DH used to live 3 hours apart. We saw each other every other weekend. Not during the week. And those weekends were flexible as we might want to do something with friends or family.
LD means not seeing each other as much especially if you don't drive!

Lorelaigilmore88 · 06/09/2024 09:24

How long have you been together? Honestly, if a guy really likes you, they make it happen. Busy or no busy. When he says he has meetings, what, at the weekend? Is he working every single day?
I just couldn't be bothered with this.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:23

Yesterday he said he was buying a family rail card we can share to reduce train costs

Which is great, as long as I'm not the only one using it!

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:21

We're early 30s, together a year and met online (although do have a mutual friend)

The good part is we have two weekend trips booked next month. Also that he went out of his way cooking and planning nice days out while I was there.

The bad is we agreed we wanted to see more of each other and him making a vague comment about meetings when it's his turn to visit.

OP posts:
Biggaybear · 06/09/2024 09:19

How old are you both ? How long have you been together ? How did you meet ?

DancingLions · 06/09/2024 09:14

Yeah I agree, 3 hrs is nothing. At one point my ex was in Germany for work. I'd fly out Thursday evening, back early Monday morning and straight into work, usually 3 weekends out of 4.

With LDR's, when someone stops wanting to make the effort, then the relationship is on it's way out.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:13

Yes@Summertimer the term doesn't start in November but his teaching does. He is an assistant prof.

OP posts:
Summertimer · 06/09/2024 09:11

Term starting in November is very late. September is still part of conference and meeting season and my DH has sometimes been away for several weekends in September.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:11

@doodleschnoodle last month he came for a weekend and then just one night at another time

I want to see each other minimum twice a month

Next month we have x2 weekends trips booked which helps but I do expect us to take turns with travel otherwise

OP posts:
doodleschnoodle · 06/09/2024 09:09

Three hours isn't much at all. Now DH and I spent a year living 10 hours apart (north of Scotland to south of England) and we saw each other at least once a month and more often whenever we could so it was usually every fortnight. Three hours you could come for just one night 🤷‍♀️ so just once a month sounds kind of rubbish to start with.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 09:06

@tuna82 nope

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