Long distance partner saying he 'can't visit' this month

If he really was mad about you he would see you no matter what. Maybe he is too comfortable with you now?

Agree with most of what you've said @ComtesseDeSpair but

Feeling obliged to shoehorn set fortnightly visits from a girl or boyfriend in whether it’s convenient or not would bother me, personally.

Surely if you've been dating for a year then you shouldn't be feeling "obliged" to see someone!!! I still get excited to see DP now and we live together! When we were in the early days we would both drive for 1-2 hours at the end of long work days because we were that keen to see each other. Often he'd arrive at gone 8pm and then leave by 6-7am for work the next day!

Doesn't really bode well for further down the line if he cant' be arsed making a 3 hour trip now because he's "busy"... For a full month.... 🤔

The difference is he essentially works and sees friends occasionally whereas I have a very active social life here. I'd need to give that up. Which I may have to.

Noooooooo!!! Please DO NOT give up your friends and social life for someone who can't even be arsed to make an effort to come and see you ONCE in a whole month!!!

Exactly.

Are you happy?
Can you can the regularity to make you happy?

It sounds like more work than I'd want.
It's nice to have someone who wants to see you and prepared to make it happen.

Is he married?

I think he likes the idea of it all, the romance and anticipation but when you came down and stayed with him last he didn't like the reality of being together.

I don't think the relationship is going anywhere.

So no children from the 10 year relationship (thinking that would be a factor). A 10yr relationship when you are early 30's is quite a big chunk of your life. I am thinking he is getting cold feet. I would move on..to be honest couldn't be doing with all the meetings and cheap train ticket stuff. If he wanted to see you it would be a priority and he would make it work.

3 hours is no time at all really, if he wanted to make the effort he could, its unlikely that he has meetings for the entirety of September, so he’s just not prioritising coming to see you.

My first boyfriend and I were about 3 hours away when we went to university. We managed to alternate weekends (so we saw eachother every weekend) for 2 years, even on student finances and with student pressures.

Until he suddenly found he couldn't - for various reasons. But really because he didn't love me any more.

Do you know anything about his previous relationships? Anything long term? Or is there little history - maybe a lack of commitment to relationships?

Family railcard can be used by either of you without the other being here, but, as it’s a family railcard you have to have at least one child with you.

I’ve had several jobs with a 90 minute plus each way daily commute, so thinking of three hours as a very long distance seems a bit odd. You mentioned spending the week together: is he possibly feeling pressure / assuming that’s now the expectation for a visit? One or two nights would be easier to schedule.

”Supposed to be” twice a month does sound quite rigid though. Most people will have some quieter months and some months where they have commitments, a lot of things planned with friends or family etc. Feeling obliged to shoehorn set fortnightly visits from a girl or boyfriend in whether it’s convenient or not would bother me, personally. But I’d also never do a relationship involving distance for that reason. Perhaps you just have to agree that it’s not going to work out and both look closer to home.

When you go to his place do you go out, have you met friends of his?

I'd leave it for now, op, don't contact him but wait and see if he pops up with anything positive.

Long distance relationships can work and be extremely fulfilling but the couple have to be very open with each other.

Good luck whatever happens.

Re someone saying he can come at the weekends, I worked almost every weekend as an academic. I remember a discussion with a colleague with older children who said you start again about 9 or 9.30 once they’re in bed. Everyone academic I knew who was teaching and research active and doing their admin responsibilities was like this.

Sorry yes so you do one (as you would have if it was two visit)

This. A man who really wants to do something will always,always find time. A man who is vaguely interested will find time for things that are delivered directly to him with minimal effort on his part. If he won't do 50/50 he's not interested enough

When I first met DH he was in the Army, based 3 hours from home. He used to drive to see my every weekend, even before we were sleeping together.

I can understand him not being able to come for a longer period, duribg the week, but three hours is nothing for a weekend.

This man isn't bothered.

The thing is, 3h isn't that far so if he wanted to see you he would.
But if you see a future in this and he has been making the effort up until now it would be worth considering giving him the benefit of the doubt and travel to see him this month and then see how it goes.
He might not be teaching yet but surely September is a busy month for an assistant prof?
I think it's a little concerning that he hasn't been able to have a proper conversation about it - like "actually do you mind coming to me again this month because it's going to be a hectic month in work".
Depending how long you've been together you should be able to have a conversation about how each of you sees this progressing, like would you relocate to him, would he?

Academia can be brutal , I was an academic for years and DH still is. It’s seriously underfunded and expectations keep rising. I’ve taught in schools and worked in other sectors. Academic workload was the highest, no official hours and elastic job description. So I understand and accept the demands on DH’s time.

So you might not want that level of commitment from your partner to his work but I wouldn’t necessarily disbelieve him during conference season and the start of the academic year. He sounds committed from what you say but sometimes there can be periods when one person has to make the travel effort and someone else might be msking a different kind of effort. The problem with academia is that most people think you have a dossy job and don’t understand the workload and demands in the way they might if someone was a doctor.