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Original poster

Long distance partner saying he 'can't visit' this month

85 replies

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 08:53

I recently stayed with my long distance partner for a week at his home. We are 3 hours apart on the UK. We usually take turns, as he can often attend meetings online. He teaches at a university and his term doesn't properly start until November.

Admittedly, I have more flexibility overall to work remotely.

He also will come to me for a weekend or previously has fit his visits in a way where he then leaves for meetings.

Talking about when we'd next see each other I said will you come to visit me next this month and he said 'sorry I can't, I have meetings'. But it's an entire month and this was the end of the explanation?

The idea then was we'd meet in the middle at a city for a weekend but now it looks far too expensive, i'd expect him to make an effort

OP posts:
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beanii · 10/09/2024 10:28

@JennaRink if you've just spent a week together, could it be he doesn't see you living together now.

Trying (and failing) to let the relationship fizzle out?

Pictures50 · 10/09/2024 08:13

OP, he's really not that into you, whilst he may indeed like you and be happy when you deliver yourself.

You are wasting your time.
Start dating again.
If you have a lovely life where you live do NOT move to him.
Too often women on MN do that and bitterly regret it.

You are so lucky to have a lovely supportive life where you live, protect it.

Don't waste anymore time with someone who doesn't see you as a priority.

You deserve someone who really wants this to work and is always trying to meet up.
That isn't him.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 10/09/2024 07:50

Maybe you need to readjust your expectations: seeing somebody every fortnight isn't always possible. Can't you just enjoy spending time with your other friends this month, and talk to this guy on the phone/online, secure in the knowledge that you'll spend more time together in person next month?
I'm writing as someone who's had various long distance relationships, including with someone who moved to West Wales (6 hours on the train then an hour's drive - or longer for a bus) after we'd got together. We only managed to see each other every 3 weeks, taking it on turns to travel between Wales and London. It wasn't always easy to combine that with a demanding job/ other commitments, and meeting up every two weeks wouldn't have been possible. I never thought of them as being 'lukewarm', i just appreciated that we were both independent adults with fulfilling lives, who chose to spend time together.

Lemonadeand · 10/09/2024 07:21

Does he have things on every weekend? I wouldn’t be putting up with that. I would probably drop back slightly in terms of effort.

Rosiecidar · 06/09/2024 17:10

I think OP you need to protect your heart. I think you would like to see him as much as you could. My feeling is that he reflected on your conversation about seeing more of each other and perhaps thought it wasn't really what he wanted. I am sorry it sounds as though he is withdrawing from the relationship.

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 06/09/2024 17:04

If he wanted to, he would.

MakingPlans2025 · 06/09/2024 17:03

I got pregnant by accident then married someone after a long distance relationship that was like this. He never made any effort, it was all one sided. It has never got any better, he is still entitled and can't be fucked to make any effort. Get out now it won't improve.

GladAllOver · 06/09/2024 16:54

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 16:40

That's quite hurtful to hear. I know you don't mean to be as you're just commenting.

Show quote history

I'm sorry, didn't mean to be hurtful, but to me real partners would be getting together as often as possible without needing advice from others. I hope it does work out for you.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 16:40

GladAllOver · 06/09/2024 16:39

You're not really partners are you? You're just friends with occasional benefits when you can both be bothered.

That's quite hurtful to hear. I know you don't mean to be as you're just commenting.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 16:39

@Biggaybear we do but neither of us have a car at the moment. One or both are thinking about getting one though.

We can both get a direct 3 hour train. I just did it the other day and it was quite relaxed. It's not an issue for me and he's done it lots.

He also went to London yesterday which took 3 hours. He's well accustomed to travel.

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 06/09/2024 16:39

You're not really partners are you? You're just friends with occasional benefits when you can both be bothered.

Biggaybear · 06/09/2024 16:07

Hi @JennaRink . You mentioned railcards earlier.......do either of you drive becuase I wouldn't want to do a 3 hour drive at the end of a busy week. But then I'm late 50's.

Sparklefroggle · 06/09/2024 14:21

I don’t think I could get annoyed about this. You already have plans together for 2 trips next month and we are already a week in to September. If there is no reason to think he is lying, maybe he really can’t fit in the journey to you this month.

You’ve mentioned having an active social life, you could use this time to have fun with your friends? Or, if you really feel the need to see him, you could offer to travel up and stay.

Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 12:04

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:59

@Starlight1979 I agree it seems like an excuse.

He did say he would come here before Christmas so that we can have our own putting up the tree/time together so he's not consistent.

I expect consistent effort, not lukewarm effort.

Christmas?!?! Why is he on about Christmas when he can't even commit to seeing you in September?

Yeah fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Someone else said it already but it's like he's happy being a couple when you go to him but he can't be arsed making any effort on his part. That's not someone who really wants to be with you OP.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:59

@Starlight1979 I agree it seems like an excuse.

He did say he would come here before Christmas so that we can have our own putting up the tree/time together so he's not consistent.

I expect consistent effort, not lukewarm effort.

OP posts:
BakedBeeeen · 06/09/2024 11:57

He needs to keep you interested so so he says little comments about missing you, and also mentions moving in together in a vague way (I believe this is called “future faking”. Please don’t waste the best years of your life with him!

Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 11:57

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:50

@Starlight1979 he hasn't given this as a reason for not visiting at all.

I'm just guessing. I dont think it's a real factor and if it is, he hasn't said so.

Edited

You've said it yourself @JennaRink but if he can't make an effort to come and see you for a whole month when it's not even term time yet then, to be blunt, you're going to be fucked come November.

You need to have an honest and upfront conversation with him.

Sorry but he's making excuses to not come to you - for whatever reason - and I wouldn't be putting up with it.

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:50

@Starlight1979 he hasn't given this as a reason for not visiting at all.

I'm just guessing. I dont think it's a real factor and if it is, he hasn't said so.

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 11:47

JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:42

@BeyondSmoake he prefers his place to mine because it's quieter.

I live beside a busy road but the back area where the bedroom and kitchen are are silent.

He isn't crazy about it for this reason although the place itself is lovely. But it hasn't been an issue before now and he hasn't raised it as one.

I live beside a busy road but the back area where the bedroom and kitchen are are silent. He isn't crazy about it for this reason although the place itself is lovely.

Sorry but WTF 😂His reason for not coming to yours is because you live beside a busy road?!?! Any bloke (or woman!) that I know who has been crazy about someone wouldn't give a flying fig if they lived on the hard shoulder of the M6 if they really wanted to see them!

Just get rid OP. Come on, surely you want someone who will make the effort and actually wants to be with you?!

Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:42

He did say if we moved in together he wouldn't want to live here

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 06/09/2024 11:42

@BeyondSmoake he prefers his place to mine because it's quieter.

I live beside a busy road but the back area where the bedroom and kitchen are are silent.

He isn't crazy about it for this reason although the place itself is lovely. But it hasn't been an issue before now and he hasn't raised it as one.

OP posts:
BeyondSmoake · 06/09/2024 11:39

If he can fit in time to meet you in the middle, then surely it's not a "no time" issue - it's that he doesn't want to come to yours in that time?

Floraant · 06/09/2024 11:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Starlight1979 · 06/09/2024 11:33

Suusue · 06/09/2024 11:28

If he really was mad about you he would see you no matter what. Maybe he is too comfortable with you now?

That's sad if true. It's been a year and they've only seen each other the odd weekend 😐

Bestyearever2024 · 06/09/2024 11:33

Of course, he could pop over and see you if he WANTED to

As you say, previously, he's popped over for one night

So, however , he is he CAN make time

He's choosing NOT to make time in September for some reason

Could you go to him and he pay half your travel costs?

What would he say to that? Does he want children?

If I were you, I'd keep an eye on this until the end of the year and bin him off in January if it doesn't improve

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