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DH and best friends wedding

618 replies

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/09/2024 07:12

housemovepickle · 07/09/2024 19:01

Was the bride in this scenario and got a text like this re my wedding.

I was 100% not shocked and under proud of my pal for not covering for him. She has years of him saying no one will want you now your used goods (aka she had a child with him) - I was referred to as that bitch after years of him making sly digs because I'm a high earner and I must make my partner feel like less of man because it 😂

So I decided to be "that bitch" I replaced his seat with the my very handsome friend who had recently come back to the uk to settle after making an absolute fortune abroad, knowing full well he was single a total catch and a lovely human being (and just her type).
She ditched her partner soon after the wedding, coupled up with my friend got married and are expecting their 3rd baby together and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding.

So I suspect in his eyes I still retain my title as he blames me for the breakdown of their relationship ignoring the years worth of abuse he put her through

Op there's always hope. I know deep down you don't think you can do better but I assure you, you can.

you are a wonderful friend!

gardenmusic · 10/09/2024 07:12

Can you stay somewhere the day before the wedding, and drop it in to conversation at the last minute? Together with arranging child care on the day?
Then 'lose' your phone?
Guarantee he is going to A and E on the day, because you cannot argue with that.
Now that you have called his bluff, he will try to stop you from going. It is hard having to pre-empt and not discuss things with the person you should be closest to, but even if you stay with him, you need to accept that he is not your friend, and be a step ahead.

Channellingsophistication · 10/09/2024 07:04

Threatening to go to his dads is meant to punish you and make you beg him to stay…let him go.. but I suspect he won’t.

He is unhappy that your mum is going in his place because him not going was meant to spoil it for you. If your mum is going with you that won’t happen.

This isn’t a good relationship for your child to grow up within. I think you would do better on your own and should plan to leave.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/09/2024 06:38

His issue OP is that you're not playing by the rules. When he said he wasn't coming you were supposed to plead and beg and then either not go yourself or make up an excuse to cover for him. You didn't.

Then he's moping around playing the victim because you didn't play by the rules on the first point. You were supposed to beg for forgiveness and accept your role as wrongdoer. You didn't.

So now he's threatening to go to his dad's (or hopefully has actually done it by now) so that you get in line and start playing by the rules again. Hopefully you didn't because this game he's had you playing is absolutely shit and it's time to bin it.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 10/09/2024 06:37

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

How can this not make you see him in a different light OP?

He is as manipulative as they come. You must see that.

summitesay · 10/09/2024 06:32

He's trying to make you feel guilty so you can reassure him it's ok and make him feel better.

I'd help him pack his bag to his dads tbh.

Conniebygaslight · 10/09/2024 06:29

Of course he’s acting sad, he’s trying to get you to make it up to him for standing up to his bad behaviour. Typical controlling behaviour. I really hope you can see through this OP. He will get worse, he’ll make you think it’s all your fault and that you’re going mad.

GoldenLegend · 10/09/2024 05:55

If you can’t be bothered to read the full thread,@offyoujollywelltrot you might bother to read the OP’s updates.

offyoujollywelltrot · 10/09/2024 05:31

Strawberrysaucee · 06/09/2024 07:57

Hi,

my best friend of 20 years is getting married next week, I am a bridesmaid.

My DH is causing me stress - He has said in the last few days that he isn't going to come to the wedding.

I have asked why and he says he just doesn't want to and will not be forced.

I said he will have to tell the bride and groom himself that he isn't coming.

He is refusing to do this and has said he just will not turn up or I will have to come up with an excuse ie. no childcare or he isn't very well.

I don't understand why he is putting me in such an uncomfortable position...I would like for him to be there but he is saying why would you want me to be there when I will just be miserable.

My friend will loose money on his meal as they were 115 pound per person.

I will not lie for him though - I said I am not telling my best friend anything, you can contact her yourself.

She's your best friend, not his. I don't do weddings either. It's unfair that he's chosen to say so now and not when the invite was given, but again he doesn't have to go. Perhaps someone else can go instead, but he's allowed to say no.

PastaBelly · 10/09/2024 05:24

Sorry, just caught up on your responses. Your situation sounds a lot like how mine was. I’d feel guilty about leaving as he also hadn’t really done anything ‘that bad’ 🙄 and he’d worry me about how I would cope financially (2 kids, not a great paying job as I was the one who had to sacrifice work hours etc for childcare, school times) and basically them make me the bad guy for wanting to break up our family and so on. Eventually, he had an affair with my best friend and although devastated, I ask felt felieved that NOW I was properly justified in ending the relationship and in all honestly, I wish I’d ended it all those years ago - YOU WILL BE FINEwithout him! Yes, I live pay day to pay day, there is never really any spare money, but we get by, we are all happier. I bring home approx 1400 per month, but I’m now entitled to universal credit which absolutely makes a huge difference. I took out a loan to buy him out of the house but I don’t regret it at all for the peace of mind and I believe you will be the same if you decide to leave. I won’t say it’s easy, but you’ll have one less ‘child’ to look after without him. Good luck!

PinkyFlamingo · 10/09/2024 05:19

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 10:22

And saying 'well you done it now, so it's done, you told her I wasn't coming and that's that' then walking around all sad

So predictable.

PastaBelly · 10/09/2024 05:09

My ex was like this, I was relatively young and naive when we met, not sure if I use that as an excuse for putting up with poor behaviour but I do also think that it’s difficult sometimes to actually see the full situation of someone’s behaviour when you live with it day in day out. He could be very difficult with things like this - awkward or miserable when we had events that were from my friends or families side, often sulking about having to go, or plain refusing. Out of all my friends weddings, he came to two - he decided to start painting the garden just before one wedding - I’d been asking for 2 years about the painting!! He would also cause a row or argument on the rare occasions I went out, so I’d either end up cancelling or I’d have a shit night knowing he was going to be miserable and difficult for days after. He never told me I couldn’t go anywhere, but sulked like a child when I did. At the time I didn’t realise how this was actually controlling and manipulative. We had some big rows over the years, and his behaviour became more and more selfish and quite a few times I asked to end the relationship- he would apologise and beg to work on things, and generally over compensate for a few weeks - book trips for us and the kids etc and I’d see the lovely man he could be. But it would never last. Sorry for rambling, the gist of what I’m trying to say is, the selfish behaviour will probably wear you down eventually and I don’t think he will change. Talk it out and see where you both go from here. I am so much happier since we split, and now I’m out of that relationship I have a much clearer view of how childish, selfish and utterly draining he could be. Go to the wedding, have an amazing time and enjoy it without him sat there miserable and making you feel on edge. I wouldn’t cover for him either. I understand the feeling of being embarrassed by his behaviour, easy to say, but please don’t - it’s him who’s being an arse, not you, and maybe him realising that others will now know what a dick he is will give him a kick up the arse to change? Have a fabulous time op!

beanii · 10/09/2024 00:28

Will you sit together for the meal or on the top table?

If it's the top table I can see his point - you won't really see him until the night do.

FantasticButtocks · 09/09/2024 16:41

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Response: yes you're probably right, good idea.

Then maybe you can have a bit of peace before you go to your friend's wedding. Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 09/09/2024 14:15

Well his little plan has backfired on him! Let him bloody go to his dad's to sulk. I'd be telling him to stay there!

Goodtogossip · 09/09/2024 12:26

Your DH is being A total WANKER! He's now gaslighting you. Do not let him make you feel guilty or bad for informing your friend that he won't be going. You & your Mum go & have a lovely time & try not to think about the man child sulking at his Dads place.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/09/2024 18:10

@Strawberrysaucee

One of the very best things you can do to a man like that (besides leave) is to make clear to them that you will not cover for them, will not tell lies on their behalf. To tell them that it brings no shame on you but reflects poorly on him. To tell the truth about his behaviour is 'speaking truth to power' and thereby taking that power away.

Dontshootthemessengers · 08/09/2024 17:38

Is there any relationship history between him and the bride/someone in the wedding party? It’s really suspicious behaviour I think

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2024 15:37

CherriBerri · 07/09/2024 23:01

I also think her friend must be told. It’s not fair that OP was put in the middle of this, but it wouldn’t be fair for her friend to not know.

She does know.

The OP is taking her mum...

Seaweed42 · 08/09/2024 15:37

He tried to punish you and it backfired on him.

He's jealous of anything that gets your attention.
You could say you bought a lovely tuna sandwich for lunch yesterday and he'd say I fucking hate tuna.

He hates your friend because she has some of your love and nobody is allowed any part of you because he owns you.

Tell you absolutely agree you aren't in a good place. Tell him he's 100% right about that. And good idea for each of you to think about what sort of relationship will make you happy.

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2024 15:35

OneNiftyPoet · 07/09/2024 20:16

No need to be rude. It's not unreasonable and I'm not the only one who thinks it possible. It would explain his irrational behaviour over this wedding. Not unusual for men to have affairs with best friends.

Show quote history

Maybe the OP knows her best friend better than that?

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2024 15:33

PolePrince55 · 07/09/2024 19:14

Maybe he doesn't want to sit in his own. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable and it's stressing him out.
If your bridal park e you will be seated elsewhere!

He knows others at the wedding. I highly doubt he was sat on his own

Sometimes an arse is just an arse...

browneyes77 · 08/09/2024 15:21

HollyKnight · 07/09/2024 17:53

I think he's starting to panic that he is losing his control over you. He probably expected you to beg more and "force" him to go to the wedding, but instead you've said "Fine", sorted it, and not covered up for him, so he's freaking out. And escalating. This "we are not in a good place" crap and going to his dad's is just more manipulation. He's trying to unsettle you and make you feel insecure when it's actually him who is feeling insecure and wanting you to prove your loyalty to him by getting upsetting and begging him to stay. Don't give him that.

Exactly this.

Figgygal · 08/09/2024 15:19

Strawberrysaucee · 07/09/2024 17:44

I think you are right, it's not because he wanted to go (he has said multiple time in multiple different ways how much he doesnt) nor is it because he would of gone 'for me'.

It's because he doesn't want other people thinking badly of him and wanted me to come up with an excuse on the day. I wasn't prepared to do that to my best friend, when she could use his space for someone else.

I got him out of it, my mum is now coming, he is still not happy.

He is now making me feel bad. Acting as if I have done something really awful to him and upset him.

I know that looking at it written down. But its so hard in person.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Hes a dickhead op tell him to bloody stay at his dad's indefinitely

chocorabbit · 08/09/2024 15:13

HollyKnight · 07/09/2024 17:53

I think he's starting to panic that he is losing his control over you. He probably expected you to beg more and "force" him to go to the wedding, but instead you've said "Fine", sorted it, and not covered up for him, so he's freaking out. And escalating. This "we are not in a good place" crap and going to his dad's is just more manipulation. He's trying to unsettle you and make you feel insecure when it's actually him who is feeling insecure and wanting you to prove your loyalty to him by getting upsetting and begging him to stay. Don't give him that.

Exactly.

I bet he'll tell his friends who will be at the wedding that he had no idea what you were on and why you took your mother to make you look and feel bad. Don't. It's his fault he'll look like an idiot.

When his friends see you there if they ask for him tell them that he didn't want to come, you tried many times to convince him as it's a very important friend to you but he kept telling you that it was your job to excuse him to the bride and you couldn't change his mind. Embarrassed you told your friend and then he decided he'd change his mind as usual and you don't have the headspace for that.