DH and best friends wedding

Take care OP. This could be the lull before the storm. Don't give him any opportunity to sabotage your enjoyment of the wedding.

I would make sure all the clothes etc you need are stored at your mums well beforehand, stay with her the night before and ensure your child care plans are watertight. Keep your phone switched off. He will cause problems if he can.

I would suggest be completely honest going forwards.

If anyone asks why he couldn't come or where he is at the wedding, just tell them the truth. That you're not sure as all he said was he didn't want to come.

Be honest with your mum, your friends, your family, his family. Don't lie for him. He needs to see his behaviour for what it actually is, not what he pretends it is.

He sounds like a pretty unkind person.

No surprise there OP, just more efforts to control you.
Well done for offering to help him pack.
Going forward that is the way to go.
Offer to split, help him pack, anything that he wants.

You are not going to buy into his controlling manipulative ways.
He won't change but he will most likely be on his best behavior as he watches the changes in you.

He will suddenly become all reasonable and helpful to try and trick you into thinking he's not the selfish controlling abusive sulking scum you now know he is.

I am sorry to hear your child has issues. I hope they resolve quickly.

Take your time, plan, get organised, do what you have to do..... but get out of this marriage and away from him.

I hope the wedding is a lovely day for you.

Mama2many73 · Yesterday 23:31
I'm not sticking up for him, he sounds like an arsehole, but are they mainly your friends? If you're bridesmaid will he be on his own most of the day.
I went to a wedding with my sister where she was bridesmaid. For most if the day/reception we weren't together, I did know a few people but nit many and not well. Personally Id rather have not been there, but my sister really wanted me there so I sucked it up and went to support her.
Evening was much better.

But you would probably not:
Say you were going and allow the invitation to be taken and an expensive meal booked for you
Change your mind and say you were not going
Berate your co guest for taking you at your word and changing the invitation to someone else
Start an argument saying that the lead guest had ' jumped the gun' (ie not begged you to go up until the last minute) and ruined everything (ruined his little game)
Gone off sulking to your parents for a few days - 'to avoid an argument' because you had not got your way.

I went to a wedding when my boy was small - maybe 3 or 4. I told my (now thankfully ex) husband that I wouldn’t be late - I had been invited to the whole thing. He rang me at 7.30 demanding to know where I was and insisting I came home.
It took me another 12/13 years before I kicked him into touch - like you thinking i would not manage financially.
He was a c**t then, he didn’t change.

Look at the warning signs and prioritise you and your child.

He's ttying to kill your shine. He wants you to have a horrible day. Hes already spoiling the lead up to it. Centering himself, too. & he doesn't respect you.

Personally Id say ok don't come then but STFU about it, conversation over. But be aware he'll still find another way to ruin the day for you.

Far too many women out there with partners who do not like them and they're too blind to see it.

I'm not sticking up for him, he sounds like an arsehole, but are they mainly your friends? If you're bridesmaid will he be on his own most of the day.
I went to a wedding with my sister where she was bridesmaid. For most if the day/reception we weren't together, I did know a few people but nit many and not well. Personally Id rather have not been there, but my sister really wanted me there so I sucked it up and went to support her.
Evening was much better.

i agree with everyone else. This is very controlling.

It’s a slippery slope to abuse. Get rid of this man child now. It may put you in a tricky spot, but better not then later!

best of luck.

You can't force him to go.
I would find a suitable replacement, as it a friend not already invited or family member, and tell your best friend about the slight change of plan.

I would then be questioning my relationship and his commitment to you.

I'd ring her in front of him and tell her his excuse 'he's just refusing to come' make him look like shit and not yourself

These creatures enjoy seeing you hurt more than they enjoy seeing you happy. Once you get your head round that, you see them for what they really are.

This is about control, he had no problem going to numerous weddings earlier in the year.

It is his choice, but he should have made it long ago. He knew from the beginning that she was a bridesmaid, so if he’d have said then that he didn’t want to go, that would have been fine. This is clearly all about controlling her and making her think he’s doing her a favour.
I can understand your difficulties but this is something different.

Just be honest to his friends too. He didn't want to come and I have no idea why. Yes it's going to be awkward at first to say that but anything you say is going to be awkward for you. At least his friends will know, and who knows he might have to face some accountability. Butttt from someone who has been married to a man who used to do this...the longer you cover for them the more they take the p*as. I don't advocate to throw away the marriage easily .... But are you ok and fulfilled in this marriage in other ways ? Or are you always carrying deadweight?

Everyone is different though.

For me being an introvert, I'd hate it. You'd obviously enjoy it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ultimately I guess it's his choice.

Jingleboots · Today 13:24

I might be a dopey bugger but I tend to worry that those who don't come back are going to show up on the news instead.

Yup.

But you are also right - nobody owes anyone a reply.

OP has disappeared.

You get accused of thinking other people's lives are soap operas if you dare to mention no update but it's not that for me. Those who come here seeking to tell of their bad experiences with their partners make others concerned for the wellbeing of this random stranger who is suffering.

I'm not for one second saying they owe people any more details nor to follow any advice given but it would be nice to pop back and just say "I'm okay. Don't worry".

I might be a dopey bugger but I tend to worry that those who don't come back are going to show up on the news instead.

He is unhappy that your mum is going in his place because him not going was meant to spoil it for you.

This 💯

I agree about firming plans for childcare. When dh knows you're going and he failed to control you, he'll use childcare to manipulate and control you.

This!

What a cunt he is, op. You deserve better.

@Strawberrysaucee this is going to turn into a bigger drama the closer it gets to the wedding, so please do as much as you can to minimise the impact on you on the day.

My suggestion would be to get all of your stuff together & go to your Mum's, or a friend's, or a hotel the night before - preferably leaving whilst he is out. Don't keep your childcare friend as a backup, but make definite arrangements for the day.

Then turn your phone off (or temporarily block him)

All of this will mean you won't have to deal with any of his mantrums on the day & you can relax & enjoy the wedding.

Have a fabulous time!

ps: I've never commented on Mumsnet before, but I'm a bit concerned about you - please update us!

@Strawberrysaucee

It's been 3 days since he threatened to go to his Dad's and that's what it was - a threat.

He wanted / expected you to plead and beg for him to stay.

Did he go ?

The wedding is this week ?

How are you ?

If any other guests ask you where he is and you don't want to tell the truth, just say "unfortunately he had a clash of plans! Such a shame. Gorgeous wedding, isn't it?"
As for your dh, he's desperately trying to bring you back into line. Wanting you to grovel to him and make him your priority.
When you feel like talking to him, you could say that you want a mutually supportive relationship and it's a shame he doesn't want that and you don't want a relationship with someone who sulks and spoils things for you. Agree that It's best he goes and stays with his dad for a while so you can both think about things.