DH and best friends wedding

Well done OP.
Your life will be so much better without him.

How selfish and what a position to put you in. Tell your best friend the truth and tell her ASAP, it doesn’t reflect badly on you but it does on him

Aw good to see an update here OP. I'm sure things feel tough right now but soon all will be well

@Strawberrysaucee I guess I should say that I am sorry to hear that - but I'm really not sorry. It will be hard for a bit, but you will be so much happier in the longer run without him. He sounded so controlling and a plain miserable Git you are well rid of him. He will try and guilt you into taking him back. Stay strong. You and your child deserve better than him.

Please keep this thread to re-read for when he ups the ante on his promises and tries to guilt trip you.

He has shown you repeatedly what a persistently nasty man he is - that his MO is to undermine you, confuse you and disrupt your life to spoil your joy.

You have absorbed this for too long - but when he went as far as doing the same to traumatise your young child that's when you know he is capable of destroying anything. He is a wrong'un.

Has he moved in with his DF permanently - do you have to move rentals now?

Have you emotional and practical support from your DM and friends?

Just take it one day ata time and be proud that you have taken the hardest but best step and given your child the greatest gift - because they now have a mother who is not being eroded by an abuser so has more emotional headspace to nuture them - you will have a much better relationship with your child in a calm, gentle, peaceful and respectful home.

Having been with someone like this, I can tell you that they push you to the point of resentment. So that when you do finally leave them, it feels like a weight has been lifted!

I had the same, all the mind games, the gaslighting, the threats to leave. And one day I just lost my shit when he did his usual threat to leave. I told him “Go on! Fuck off then! I’ll help you pack shall I?” and proceeded to dump all of his clothes on the living room floor and throw them into binbags. His face was white with shock. And then the backtracking started.

Once they’ve pushed you to that point, there’s a shift in how you feel towards them. And when you finally get rid, you feel relief.

Of course now he’s lost control of you, he’s reverted to begging. He’s panicking.

Well done you for being so strong and making the decision you have.

❤️

Fantastic - well done and good luck for the future!

@Strawberrysaucee Im sorry this happened to you but at the same time, it is heartening to read that an OP has actually freed themself from a shit relationship and moved on!

You have a bright future ahead of you! 💐

Brilliant news - stay focused and firm and don't let him weasel his way back in. Beware of him using your child to manipulate you and call him out on it immediately if he does.
(I bet your friend's pleased he isn't on her wedding photos now! 😉)

That feeling of weight lifting is great isn't it op? You've ripped that plaster off. Onward and upward wil be easier now.. Well done!

Well done. Great to hear how well you are adjusting and welcoming the change.
Reads as if you have great family and friends supporting you.
Take care of yourself and your family going forward.

That takes guts, well done you.👏🏻

I'm so pleased for you.

One of my favourite plots in books and films is where somebody really horrible gets their comeuppance. It's good to know that this can happen in real life too!

Absolutely fantastic to read.
Well done for getting such rid of such a horror.
I have no doubt you feel at peace.
Protect that at all cost.

I would generally say that I’m sorry to hear that you’ve separated but I’m really not.

It’s obvious that you can do so much better than him.

He’s controlling and wants to keep you in his little bubble.

The world is now your oyster and you are free to come and go as you please.

I’m so happy for you OP.
Please keep us updated, as I believe you’re going to have a great life now 💐

It sounds like the right decision. Bigger and better things lie ahead for you.

Jesus Christ, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you don't have enough self-respect to get out for yourself, then please think of your child growing up like this and thinking it's ok for men to treat women this way.
Please leave him.

Hope you're OK OP

Am I missing a hidden meaning?

So what if he has been sat a relatives grave?

He is emotionally abusing you. But if that’s not bad enough…..he emotionally abusing your child.

If he physically abused your child would you feel guilty? Would you feel sorry for him?

He did what he set out to achieve. Ruined the wedding for you. He can’t get you to get back in line by threatened to leave so he is emotionally abusing your child and the. Trying to guilt you into getting back in line.

Im sorry to hear about your update, but not surprised.
Was he looking after your child - you say you heard them in the other room, or did he manage to manipulate it so that he did attend the wedding?
And if he wasnt there, why the hell would he think you would be contacting him during the wedding. He was just looking for a reason to try to ruin your night, and sounds as if he succeeded, and has continued to manipulate ever since.

Its a real shame. And of course you feel sad and guilty, because he knows how to push your buttons as a normal caring person who, until recently, belived was in a loving partnership.

There will be a point though, and it will be liberating, when you are able to detach and get an outside perspective on what he is doing - the point where you dont care any more, and once that veil has been lifted there is no going back. You will look back and see all the signs.

Is his behaviour deliberate? well to an extent, but often not malevolently evil - that would be easier to spot - but in a way that seems oh too common - if you take a look at Pat Craven's Freedom Programme you will see that this society encourages the kind of beliefs that both men and women hold, that allows them to feel justified in the behaviour that they do. And like children, they have found what works to get what they want. And they are selfish - he is cross so you need to suffer too - you are not behaving how he thinks you should, so he will try techniques, again, so similar that many a book has been written - deisned to yank you back into line, because fundamentally he believe that your role is to support him, and HIS life.

He isnt going to change those beliefs easily. And not with you, because your relationship is already established in its dynamics. A few more girlfriends refusing to put up with his behaviour and he MIGHT take a look at himself - but men do this less than women do - or he may just become embittered and more resentful of women not doing what they should do

Curiously when I read your initial op, my first thought was he just wants to make you suffer, to beg him to go, he fully intends to front up. So I’m not surprised at the back tracking, he’s doing it again now.

you need to get out. There is something wrong with him.

You feel guilty because you are a normal loving and empathetic being. He is using this to manipulate you.
You need to take a step back from your emotions and look at his actions from a detached perspective:
He is willing to hurt your child emotionally in order to manipulate you.
What was so important he needed to contact you at the wedding? Because unless it was some major emergency, it's him trying to manipulate and upset you.
He keeps saying he is going, why is he still there?
His "pain" matters, what about yours and your child's why do they not matter?

Get ready for more manipulation:
"I'm going to hurt/kill myself", " I didn't mean it, I was depressed/ it was because of my mental health". This is a common tactic, you can tell it's bullshit as they often aren't seeking any professional help. Even if it was valid, women are not rehabilitation centres for men, not your problem.
"what about the children", well he's already hurting them to manipulate you so hardly dad of the year material. Children deserve to be raised by happy parents (even if apart) and a non toxic environment.
Trying to make you jealous with new girlfriend, playing Disney Dad and making out you were awful and unreasonable.
Anger that any of the above are not working, trying every trick in the book to make your life harder. Not sticking to agreements about finances or childcare for example. There's a saying that the person you divorce is very different than the person you marry, believe it. Get all agreements in writing and/or through official channels so that it limits the amount he can play up later on. He is not your friend, he will be out for himself and to stick it to you.

On the plus side, once you out of the relationship and the constant mindfucks, life seems so much easier because you have so much more mental energy to deal with it.

OP please, please, please listen to all the advice you've been given. Just the sheer number of other posters with the same or similar experiences proves he's just playing you. Leave. It might be tricky to start with but in the long run I promise it will be the best thing you ever do xx