DH and best friends wedding

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

What's that saying? - "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake" or something along those lines.

Your dickhead bloke is willingly buggering off for a bit, giving you time to get the legendary Ducks In A Row. Find and copy significant documents, arrange an appointment with a divorce lawyer, have a look at The Freedom Programme. Picture a life free from him, and start moving towards that.

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

Let him. Then as PP above said make sure he can't sabotage your plans by spoiling your wedding outfit or messing up your child care arrangements. You need to be one step ahead of this controlling bastard all the time.

It's good that you're seeing his behaviour for what it is @Strawberrysaucee

Just a couple of things to think about.

1. Don't get caught up in his bullshit. He doesn't want to go to his dad's, but he does want you to feel guilty, worried and afraid. If you don't know what the grey rock method is, look it up but it's the best way forward to begin to detach yourself from his manipulative tactics.

2. He will 100 per cent try to sabotage your plans to attend the wedding. That's as certain as death and taxes, so make plans now for someone else to look after your child (or if you can take them with you?) so that you are not dependent on him.

3. This might sound dramatic but it's just to keep in mind. These type of men really don't like losing control and can be unpredictable when they feel unstable. He will get a sense of self worth and power from controlling you and making you unhappy. It shouldn't be your problem, but it is, so think long term. Don't let him know what's going on, try not to get into arguments where he can goad you, stay one step ahead and again, grey rock until you have all your ducks in a row and can leave safely.

I know that speaking to Refuge/Women's Aid etc., might sound over the top but they have so much knowledge and understanding of exactly what you're experiencing and are a real support.

Best of luck!

Please see this for what it is, classic manipulation. Tell him to go to his dad's. He'll actually be wanting you to beg for him not to, just like you were meant to beg for him to come to the wedding.

You need to stop giving him headspace. He will try and ruin the day for you. It's so utterly predictable and pathetic.

I also think her friend must be told. It’s not fair that OP was put in the middle of this, but it wouldn’t be fair for her friend to not know.

He is now making me feel bad

Only you have control of your emotions. Stop feeling bad and tell him to get to fuck.

I’m seeing so many red flags here, sorry.
This is his way of telling you he doesn’t want you to go, by behaving this way the plan is you’ll either not go or cover for him.
Just tell everyone the truth. Do not lie for him. But tell your friend asap as she may have someone else who can go in his place.
He’ll likely do this at every event until you don’t argue anymore because it’s not worth the hassle. He wants control. I’d seriously consider if this relationship is worth it. Sounds like my ex. He’s showing you who he really is, take notice

Glad you've seen it for the controlling bs it is. My ds's gf at the time did it when he was due to go to his cousin's wedding. She was invited but said she had to look after dogs. Then on the day invented all sorts of shite to stop him going. We were evil taking him because we knew she'd be alone, he didn't care, she couldn't cope for a night. She'd had 6 months to come to.terms, go to her mum's. No, on the wedding day.
Keep strong op. Don't let him control you.

OP, please arrange the childcare for the wedding with your other friend. I have a feeling he'll say he'll do it but then engineer a problem on the day to ruin your day.

Long-term, I do think you need to leave him. He's controlling. As PP have said, it will only get worse.

Is something going on between him and your friend? I know that’s a horrible thing to suggest but to me it sounds very strange that it’s events related to her that he suddenly acts weird about. I’d be questioning whether he has feelings for her or has tried it on with her in the past etc.

He wanted drama and you didn't give him any, just called his bluff and now he's got himself uninvited. Not your problem.

The very best thing you could do is tell him to go to his fathers..

Stick a key in the door when he is gone.

You have been wanting to leave, now is your chance.

He left you and you accept it is now over.

This is a gift if you can find the bravery to take it and run with it.

Call his bluff, tell him if he thinks that’s what’s best then he should go stay at his Dads. He’s trying to panic you and wants you to beg him to stay

Why you putting up with this bullshit!
Stop allowing him to make you feel shit. This is all on him, he didn’t want to go so you sorted it.
Tell him to leave, grow a fucking back bone and raise your standards for acceptable behaviour.

Long time lurker here, many many years, this is the first post I feel compelled to comment on. I’m 28 years in, in-house separated and in, what I feel, is the hardest ‘battle’ of my life to divorce this man. I have had the exact same scenario, I ended up having to take my kids with me to my bf wedding, I made excuse upon excuse. This was just one of forms the psychological abuse took. Google gaslighting, coercive control, covert narcissist, triangulation and Caroline Strawson. You may not be ready to go now but you can start to get your ducks in a row. I wish I had better prepared!!

Please tell him to do so and not to bother coming back until he has checked his attitude. What a prize clown of a man. Guarantee if you don't have backup childcare on the day, he will find some way to make sure he cannot possibly look after the child.

100%, what a complete controlling arsehole this guy is. OP please stop letting him treat you like this

It sounds like you are married to a narcissistic, emotionally abusive, gaslighter. Really hope you can find a way out of this relationship.

OP - your husband is gaslighting you. You have done nothing wrong and he's acting like the narcissist that he probably is and turned it all around back on you. Let him go to his dad's for a while, stand your ground and don't let him manipulate you.

Oh fgs, how fucking pathetic is he?

He is now punishing you for not buckling under by going to his Dad’s.

Whatever you do, he will blame you, criticise you and play abusive control based games.

Stay v calm, say nothing more, on repeat, than ‘we had this conversation, you were very clear, you said you were not going, you’re not now going” and grey rock.

Let him go to his Dad’s , just breezily say ‘ok’.

Just do your thing, live your life, make your decisions.

He is not a good guy.
You called his bluff now he’s acting the victim.
Im sorry you’re with such a manipulative man.

your posts put me on edge because they are so so so familiar
then I got to this bit…

He is now saying he will go and stay at his dads for a bit as 'it's best for us and him if he has a bit of space' 'it saves us having an argument'

as someone whose father did this for decades…headwrecking my mother and ruining every nice event for me and my siblings. Pleaseeeee Tell him yes he should go.

in a year you will be SO HAPPY you left this guy.

i realise finances are going to be a tight / a bit of a mess but once you claim everything you are entitled to as a single parent you might be pleasantly surprised.
turn2us are a good resource that will help with understand what you would receive.

and under NO circumstances let him change his mind and go to the wedding. He made his choice. It’s done. You go with your mum.

Good Lord. Your updates on the level of his manipulation make me go cold, OP. I had years of "wow, we've really got problems, haven't we?" if I ever tried to call him out on his behaviour.

Grey rock the shit out of him. Read up on narcissistic abuse and I'm sure you'll recognise a ton of things. I certainly did when I started researching.

Don't get bogged down in justifying yourself, they can tie you in knots and it's all attention. He wants that. He can piss off. Just calmly say something like "you made it very clear you weren't going. It's all sorted now." - keep repeating that and stick to your guns. Be aware that this tantrum is because he's been called out and knows people will be aware of his fuckwittage. That's not on you.

Going to stay at his dad's is a brilliant idea ! have you helped him pack a bag or is he expecting you to beg him to stay.

Him not wanting to go to your best friend's wedding has back fired on him badly, and you now realise your marriage is not what you hoped / thought it was.

Whilst he is at his Dad's this will give you time to ' get your ducks in a row ' i.e. get on a benefits calculator and find out if you will be entitled to anything as a a single parent, go onto the CMS website and work out what he will have to pay.

Once you have done that you will have figured out if you can afford to stay in the rental you are currently in,
maybe you don't want to stay anyway ?

Start looking at rentals - see what is available and where/what there are.
Do you think it is possible your mum or any other family could lend / give you the deposit and 1st month's rental ?

unless you have some savings ?

You can do this ! it will be hard to begin with but i know you can do this !

Let him go. Sounds like your life would be much better without him. He's an arse.