To have not known what to do or say to a woman being treated like dirt by her partner in a restaurant.

I can relate to this. I now just check with the woman if she is OK. She always says she is.

My ex was very quietly emotionally abusive. Put downs, gaslighting kinda thing. He'd occasionally do it in public. But not often as he was fixated on his image and being mr funny nice guy. But we went to a works party once and we were dancing, having a good time when ex suddenly started calling me a slag in front of everyone. I walked away and he followed me calling me names and someone intervened. I was already mortified and just wanted to get away and back to our hotel. It really just made him more angry and he gave me the silent treatment for weeks after. The drive home the next morning was terrifying as he used to like to drive dangerously to intimidate me.

Personally if it had been possible I'd have followed her to the toilet to see if she was ok but I wouldn't have said anything to make her partner have an excuse to hurt her more.

This happened to me last Saturday. In a pub after a meal waiting on a taxi. The man at the bar and his partner were v drunk but he was awful to her, what made it worse was they seemed to know a lot of people there and so more often than not there were others hearing him and still joking around with them as he continually put him down. It was so bad (all done in a joking manner, haha she's knows I'm joking kind of thing) that the lovely couple next to us leaned over and said have you heard that prick?? Our taxi arrived and I couldn't bare it any longer as he said to his assembled crowd 'she knows she punching with me because I'm younger) so as I left I stopped and I said to him, she isn't punching YOU ARE, she looks ten years younger than you and you're an obnoxious pig, you couldn't pay me to spend time in your company! Without a word of a lie the three tables that were closest to us/them actually cheered and then I flounced (ran just about) out of the pub. I hope she realises her worth and I hope I put him in his place

I've been the woman in that position. The only thing that helped me, in hindsight, was the looks of sympathy I got often.

Or maybe, if someone had just said, you don't have to live like this.

For me, it was the drip, drip, somethings not right, that I eventually saw the light.

I was in a bad situation though, years of it and was broken.

There's nothing you can do. My mum's alchoholic DH would speak to her like that, and in public. She adored him and wouldn't hear a word against him. He did loads of stuff for her and ran round after her, and she seemed to accept his vileness as a pay off. He was vile to her daughters too, but she would always take his side. Thankfully he's finally drunk himself to death.
Honestly, there is nothing you can do, some women have shitty husbands/partners and that is their right to choose.

It sounds like she was sticking up for herself, accusing him of being jealous. I don't think she'd do that if she was terrified of him. Hopefully she'll leave him very soon.

What a stupid comment. Being strong and capable doesn’t stop you from being a victim of abuse and being abused doesn’t mean you’re not strong and capable.

Are you seriously suggesting that the incident the OP witnessed was the first time he’d behaved that way and up until that point he’d been a lovely partner?

Unfortunately, these scenarios are very coming and on average it takes a woman 7 attempts to leave.

I think it’s right to react to the situation in front of you and not some imagined scenario where this has never happened before and she’s about to dump him in the car park.

This kind of man wouldn't keep up that kind of behaviour to another man ie "an equal".

I think times have moved on as my dad wouldn't have hesitated to get involved ( and also had the people skills). My DH is very much of the mind your own business outlook (and doesn't have the people skills).

He might have been her brother.

She might be sanguine about the abuse because she knows she won't see him again for another year.

The urge to step in is strong but the fear of looking stupid or them both having a go back would stop me unless it was very obvious someone was vulnerable.

Sounds like they are having an argument and he’s being a total arse for sure but I wouldn’t class what you said as abusive.

Agreed men shouldn't make thrmselves vulnerable but l know my dh wouldn't be able to help himself - he couldn't stand by and let that happen.

I remember dh and l were on holiday once and the news came through my oldest friend had died. I literally cried all day and dh was very supportive but nothing he could have said or done would have stopped me being upset. So if anyone had seen us they may have thought it was him that had made me cry or was ignoring me which would have been wrong.
So don't beat yourself up, it could have been sonething similar xx

My ex drank too much and was verbally (never physically)abusive to me and everyone else when in that mood . I used to want the ground to swallow me up if we were in a public place . Once we were out of earshot I would wipe the floor with him . The following day he would have no memory of it . Not acceptable behaviour at all but not sure I would have welcomed sympathy as I was embarrassed.

Could you put a message on your local Facebook group, vaguely outlining the situation that you witnessed ( just say your were in a small city centre restaurant last night, rather than actually naming the restaurant) and putting a link to Women's Aid in the hope that the woman may see it? You can express your empathy whilst also doing something positive to try and help.

I remember Henry Cooper (the boxer) saying he intervened when a bloke had his wife at the throat. She told him to mind his own business!

Also you cannot guarantee that all the blokes going past are decent. They may be like that as well!

The problem is that when an abusive bloke is fuelled with rage and alcohol he could well take it out on the person who steps in and in turn even worse on the victim when they get home.

But why should men be expected to put themselves in a potentially dangerous situation and for the same reasons you said it can make it worse for the victim.

For all you know the bloke could have had a knife and tried to stab anyone who intervenes. Calling the police was the right thing to do. It is so hard now a day's as many people are scared of the violence escalating even more whether you are man or woman!

I was walking through town once, at lunchtime, busy streets, when a man started shouting at the woman he was with.

A few people noticed and looked/watched, he was being foul to her.

Then he punched her, a proper pull-back, swing of a punch, to her face.

No one did anything. The men around all hurried by, while a few of us women stood in shock - I caught the eye of another woman who had seen and we both indicated to our phones, we both called the police.

I decided not to intervene because 1) my safety 2) the victim's safety, often with abusers they'll blame their victim for the unwanted reactions

I was amazed no men got involved though. None at all came to help, so I felt like this violent man was just enabled by them.

Having been the woman in a similar situation (a long time ago), I don’t think there was anything you could realistically have done. You couldn’t be alone with her. She must have been aware that other people were witnessing the scene and that made her feel worse.

She knows she is with an abusive POS. Possibly an alcoholic (behaviour sounds very familiar). For whatever reason she couldn’t just leave the restaurant or the relationship. Let’s hope she has the support network to leave.

My brother was in the police for about 20 years, I herd him use that term just before he retired.

OP

You would have probably made things worse for that evening, I hope the new job she has lets her get away from the prick.

I think in a similar situation you going to the toilet to check on her and your partner telling bloke that he is out of order, he has brought his partner out for a romantic meal and if he wanted to see a performance he would go to the theatre.

I know that is a risk because abusers will abuse and it might put your partner in harms way and make it worse for the woman but men need to start calling out other men.

That’s awful. I’d have followed to the toilet I think, as there still would have been a chance to say are you ok discreetly. It’s so hard in the moment though to know what to do and sometimes intervening and the abuser notices can kick it off more. All toilets should have those posters saying speak to speak if feel unsafe / ask for Angela etc

Exactly this. Intervening can put her at further risk.

Why do you think she was necessarily not handling it? Just because he’s a bully doesn’t necessarily make her a victim. She might absolutely have his measure and be dumping him in the car park 10 minutes later.
Maybe she’s a strong capable woman who can absolutely handle her wanker of a partner. Why does she have to be a victim just because she’s female?

There’s not really much you can do.

stepping in is likely to have made things worse for her. It’s unlikely she would have chose that moment to leave him. So she would have still ended up alone with him at home.

As pp say, it’s also a risk that she turns on you as well as him turning on you and you are putting yourself at risk. My exh once stepped in when a man had his wife by the scruff of the neck outside his restaurant. It ended up in a scuffle between my exh, the man and then the wife started to kick my exh. I ended up out there restraining her and other customers came out to help exh and the police were called but was a nightmare.

It’s awful to witness. But often doing something could make it worse.

make him angrier and it makes things much harder for her or even dangerous as she's got to back with him.

That’s what would have stopped me doing anything overtly.