To have not known what to do or say to a woman being treated like dirt by her partner in a restaurant.

I agree. I'm saddened to read because many people are thinking very short sighted and wouldn't even subtly try to let her know this wasn't acceptable.

There is nothing you could have done OP, unfortunately.

I know from previous experience, both as someone who was on the receiving end of verbal abuse and as someone who had tried to intervene, that sadly this won’t work. Although it’s a credit to you and your DP that you want to.

The whole point about the psychology of men like this is that they seek control by isolating the woman from other people’s perspective on the situation. If either you or your DP had got involved he would have instinctively known what was happening and would have reacted very badly.

Blokes like this will just double down on the abuse if they are challenged or they become aware that their behaviour is being questioned. It’s opening another front and just providing another focus for them to lash out. If you make a man like this aware he is being judged he will use it as another reason to lash out at his partner.

Sadly the best you can hope for is that she has a neutral friend to turn to.

Yes sadly there is often a trauma bond between couples like this. Intervening actually makes them unite - 'it's me and you against the world babes!' It's depressing 😞

Same. All I did was say 'are you OK?' in a discreet and sympathetic way and she went ballistic at me. It seemed to me that she used it as an excuse to smooth things over with her partner and they were able to unite in their common dislike of my presumption. She was not a nice woman and I regretted saying anything.

If you can catch them away from the man and just give a very minor, but meaningful comment (I'm struggling to think of one on the fly) not intended to make them go "omg you're right! Rescue me immediately!" Just sort of pointing out that it's not normal/ok the way her partner is treating her and she doesn't have to put up with it, then it can help plant or water any seeds of doubt she might have. That's what helped me, anyway. Lots of little comments from others which added up to "this isn't normal and it's not ok" and helped me make the decision on my own to leave.

Probably fearful that it would make the situation worse for them.

Was just about to say the same. Me and my ex tried to help a woman being dragged through a city centre by her partner. He had her by the wrist and was calling her every name under the sun. She looked terrified and was crying her eyes out - it made us feel sick. When we approached to try and help her, we got abuse off both of them, the bloke started squaring up to my ex (who was pretty tough but wouldn't have had a street fight in the middle of the day!) and she was yelling at us to mind our own fucking business.

I've never interfered again after that.

As a child who was in a DV family growing up - the last thing you want is people stepping in. Whenever my step dad behaved like this in public we all just wanted to get home with as little fuss as possible & try to diffuse things. If he felt someone had slighted him or spoken badly of him in public it was 10 times worse when we got home. I'm not sure if anyone ever took my mum aside privately but he would have had eyes on her at all times. Plenty of people knew, strangers and friends but there was nothing they could do. The choice has to be the woman's to make.

I was in Weatherspoons and a man was being verbally aggressive to the woman with him. She had a baby in a pram. From what I heard they were not together, but she'd brought the baby to see him.
He was getting louder and more obnoxious, she was staying calm at first but then started crying.
I asked her if she needed any help, he told me to fuck off and mind my own business.
I said he'd made it my business when he was shouting while I was trying to eat a meal in peace.
He complained to the staff and it was me that was asked to leave for causing trouble FFS!

Op - I found myself in a similar situation, and I DID go to the toilet after the woman. I told her she could do better than someone swearing at her at her table. Long story short - She left in an Uber to a friends house and I went back and told Prince Charming that his GF had left.

They weren’t living together thank god.
A week later I get a text from her saying thanks and that she needed someone from the outside telling her he was out of order to see what was going on- she’d hidden his nastiness from friends/family because he could be very charming around them and seem like a nice, successful guy.
I would say - if you can step in, safely, do it EVERY time.

I also saw what looked like a guy roughing his girl up in the street, or maybe it was drunken horse play, and I ask her if She was okay- he’s says yes we’re messing so I ask her again ignoring him and it was all fine. They were just being daft.
But again as they walked off she came running back and said thank you though, thank you for checking.

Always ask, always check. Too many of us turn a blind eye.

So hard to witness this and be paralysed about our actions.
My only thought was to write down as much about the account as you can. Place, time, date and what you overheard/witnessed. Also descriptions of the 2 people.
Not sure that you can take it to the police but it is there if needed in the future.......

My DH will purposely not intervene (unless it was an urgent/dangerous situation), as he says men like this are just looking for a fight and if he said something it would just escalate the situation, which I think is accurate in most situations.

I read on MN once about a woman who’d been on a train suffering similar and she was handed a note by another woman to say “you deserve better”. Apparently it was the turning point and she eventually found the courage to dump him and never look back.

Sadly I did know a man who intervened in a situation like this on a night out. He came off the worst, hospitalised and lost money through not working. As for the woman he never saw her again.

The man who intervened still suffers health problems from intervening.

So maybe the men didn't intervene for the same reasons as you. Not all men are good fighters.

When you intervene and the woman turns on you - what else do you expect? If they are together, it's not safe for her to do anything but try to placate him. She's petrified that you will say something to further enrage him / you will come to harm / she will pay for attracting your attention. Her safest strategy is to turn on you. Expect it and understand why instead of judging. Even better - if possible and as many others have said - approach her when she is alone. I have never had a woman 'turn' on me when I can do this. At worst they don't want anyone to interfere - again - a safety strategy.

I have intervened multiple times over the years - and I know that this is one way in which I can use my race (white) and sex (female) privilege and the worst i have ever gotten is verbal pushback from the man. I do not expect DH to intervene similarly - it ups the ante (in the abuser's eyes) and is far more dangerous.

One strategy which can sometimes work is to distract him although its difficult to see how this would have been possible in the OPs situation.

I doubt there was anything you could have done to help. It's also dangerous to help in an altercation, you'd be best of calling the police and filming it for evidence.

I sympathise, it's awful to hear someone being abused. I saw a little boy being dragged along the pavement by an angry woman who pushed him into the car and though I did say something, I often wonder how that little boy is.

You decided not to intervene because of your safety but expect men to compromise their safety? Why? These men are somebody’s father, brother, son, husband, not just random NPC’s in a computer game.

You could equally say women were enabling his violence towards their own sex!

Having done a safeguarding course I found out that whilst previously my instinct was to charge in and intervene (and I have done) doing so could make the situation worse for the person under attack. If not then later. The right thing to do if memory serves is to contact someone in authority if it gets to a point where the other person is in danger, e.g call the police if someone was being physically attacked. I don't think this situation sounds like it got to that point so I'd have stick to sympathetic looks or a quiet word with her but even that can be risky as like others have said you could be told to fuck off or end up ganged up on. Some couple dynamics are volatile and yes it is horrible to witness.

So your partner sat there saying nothing whilst the man right next to him verbally abused this women? Why would it be up to you to do something? Why didn't he call him out? Not saying it's always the best thing as it can end up escalating things for the victim BUT until men start calling out abusive men, loudly and publicly nothing will ever change. Why would it when they're getting away with it, even in public with other men around.

I was physically assaulted on a busy beach by my ex bf a long time ago, I was v young, prob 18/19. The only people to intervene and help were a pair of women in their 40s/50s. I was so grateful.

Exactly, I read the whole thread to see if anyone had suggested this. He could have spoken up while the woman was at the toilet.

Everyone is talking about the women involved being supportive. Maybe Ops partner could have told the abuser to pack it in because he was being out of order. He heard what was being said.

This happened to me once and I did manage to follow the woman to the toilets and speak to her, I gave her my number (we were on holiday and so were they, I wanted her to know she could come back to our apartment for the night as she was due to fly out the next day anyway) and a hug, and she did text me later on to say he'd continued to behave badly and the hotel had called the police so he spent the night in jail. We exchanged messages for a few more days so I know she got home safely and went to her mums.

I have always felt bad that I didn't follow up with her a few weeks later to see if she'd had the courage to leave him for good. She was only young and it was just awful to hear the terrible things he said to her while she sat with tears pouring down her cheeks. It's made me cry again just thinking of her.

My partner did say a strong "ey!" to the guy when he raised his voice at one point, and when the woman came back from the toilet he made a point of asking her if she was okay. However, it is a really hard call because the guy was very drunk and being in a different country we weren't quite sure what options we had to get help (if it had been the UK I'd have asked the bar staff to contact the police I think). I think we just wanted both of them to know we werent okay with what was happening, at the very least.

OP, I'm not sure there's always an easy answer in these scenarios and a single cubicle toilet does make things harder. You do also worry about the risk that you inflame the situation further.

I probably would have congratulated her on her new job and tell her 'you've got this' as they were on the way out. But in these situations you have to read the room as it could infuriate the guy and she might pay for it when she gets home.