To have not known what to do or say to a woman being treated like dirt by her partner in a restaurant.

Why the piss did you resurrect a zombie to give this great insight?!

Unfortunately,this is all too common. Very odd.

I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago. Middle of a Saturday afternoon in the middle of town. A really big fella (he looked in his 40’s) punching hell out of a lad that looked about 17, the lads little brother was hysterical, screaming and crying. Everyone stopped and just watched including, like in your case a lot of men, it was horrendous. It made me so angry I didn’t stop to think and I got in the middle of them. Told big fella to walk away, I wasn’t going to let him carry on punching shit out of a child. . After my mum said what the bloody hell were you thinking? The truth, I didn’t think!

To start yes I'm male, this man use the term loosely, need to be thought some respect, by that he needs the shit kicked out of him! Probably not going to be popular but scum like him give all men a bad name,

Only a week ago I got on a local underground train and sitting close by were a young couple and their toddler daughter. The mother looked nervous and wàs very obviously embarrassed. The horror she was with was on his phone and loudly discussing the previous nights sex session. His language was vile and in front of his child. The mother tried to tell him he was embarrassing her but he ignored that. I felt so sorry for her and god only knows what else she endured with a low life like that. One or two other passengers must have heard too. I buried my head in my newspaper but felt anger rising in me. They got off the train before me and I watched him pull his daughter along the platform while mum trailed behind. I hope that young lady finds the strength to ditch him.

It's not something I would ever get involved in. I've been in an abusive relarionship and I know anyone intervening would not make a difference, the person has to come to that realisation by themselves. I don't think it would help and the only thing it would achieve is help the bystander feel good about themselves.

Choice is a grey area when you're in an abusive relationship.

She already knows he's toxic but chooses to be with him. Pointing it out will only get you an earful.

I’ve also been the one having dinner with a DP who was being horrible and made me cry. Once I’d picked him up from work for lunch and I just walked out and left him there so he had to make his way back to work on his own. Maybe I was the abusive one that day?! But he was aggressive and nasty so I don't give a fuck tbh!

I’ve stepped in when someone was manhandling his female partner. They were both quite elderly so I didn’t feel worried that he might turn on me as I could have fought him off easily but I’d have been worried if he was younger.

Also just remember saying something when I heard a dad berating his wife in front of their daughters as a festival. I told him to stop speaking to her like that, it’s disrespectful and setting a horrible example to their daughters about how a woman should be treated by her husband. She looked shocked and he told me to mind my own business. I said you’re making it by business by being such a prick in public. If you don’t want people to tell you to stop being awful to your wife, then stop being awful to your wife. I figured even if it did nothing for the wife, the kids would remember the day someone stepped in and stood up for her and them in the face of a bullying man.

Sounds like he was drunk and embarrassed himself like a drunk person often does.

Sounds like she handled herself perfectly fine.

Sounds like they might have a pre-existing issue around the job which isn't your business (and you eavesdropped on) and will only be inflammatory if you jump into something you have no place it.

He will sober up and they will either work through it or split up... no need for a nosy white knight.

Nothing sounds 'abusive' in what you said just an argument where hes blunt and petulant because hes drunk.

I had a bad cold on holiday but we still needed to go out to eat, I wasn't sneezing but I had endless tears streaming down my face. I did wonder if other diners were going to think DH had done something!

It sounds like in that scenario, realistically you could have only gone over to speak to her if he'd left the table to go to the bathroom. If they weren't being overly loud, chances are he would have got even more angry if he felt you were eavesdropping and that would have escalated things for his partner.

I've intervened in a couple of situations where the man was shouting and hitting the woman, but that's when I've been right outside my place of work or home, so felt safe doing so. In both instances I offered for the woman to come with me and we went inside and I locked the door to keep him out. Fortunately that was enough to make the man leave without any further commotion and I talked with the woman, gave her my phone number and offered to be a witness if she wanted to report it to the Police.

I wonder if you could have taken a photo of your being at the restaurant with the abuser in the background, so even if not contacting the police there and then, could have done so later? Or if you overheard any evidence they have children, contacted social services instead?

Staff at a restaurant probably don't have the means to refuse the man further service, and indeed he'd probably leave without paying if they did.

This, sadly.

My exH was abusive. If someone intervened publicly (which did occasionally happened), I would get 'punished' when we got home. Really escalated the situation. Weirdly someone intervening on my behalf used to make me feel worse too. I guess because it made me realise the situation was worse than I was admitting to myself.
Now I'm out the other side thank goodness. Basically the abused partner has to find the strength to leave and be ready within themselves to do so. Hopefully the lady in question has solid friends around her like I did.

Exactly. If he could hear it why didn't he do something?

Unless the abuse or aggression is physical, intervening is probably rarely a good idea. And if it, one has to be aware of potential risks to one's own safety.

As onlookers, it can be difficult to assess what is really going on, and whether the victim needs or would welcome support.

In the OP's situation, the only thing she really could have done is follow her to the restroom and perhaps told her "I couldn't help overhearing - if you think you might need help, call Women's Aid...... take care".

I agree about your comment but the OPs description sounds like it was way more than your dismissive comment.
Also the fact that the female commented about other half being abusive......

I was beaten up three times as a teenager by random strangers. That's the kind of place I grew up in! Each time a man intervened. So men often do help, but yes, sometimes they're just too scared.

I remember in Milton Keynes watching an abusive man shout at his wife in a morrisons, walk away, and shout at her again because apparently she ‘should have known’ what was in the house and shouldn’t need his help. I asked the woman if she was okay and she was so embarrassed - explained he’d lost his job and was at home but still expected her to do everything despite working full time and she brought him there to ‘teach him’ how to grocery shop. It was so sad

I was amazed no men got involved though. None at all came to help, so I felt like this violent man was just enabled by them.

Most men like to think they are Jason Bourne and can handle themselves but deep down they know when it comes to proper physical violence they are woefully out of shape and unprepared to deal with a very angry man wanting to beat shit out of you. If you 'get involved' in a random situation you have to be prepared to see it through, i.e. the person pinned on the ground while you wait for the police. Unless you know what you are doing that is probably going to involve you ending up with a fat lip, bloody nose and ruined clothes and if you are really unlucky a trip to the police station on assault charges.

Not sure that you can take it to the police

A man behaving like an arse in a restaurant by saying nasty things, not paying, refusing to budge, etc is nowhere near a matter for the police!

For a crime in progress you call 999 and report it to the police. And yes emotional abuse is a crime. They might do nothing or they might send someone to have a word and it might be a turning point.