Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking ex for more maintenance

33 replies

Runninginhotpants · 05/09/2024 23:28

Hi all. I’ll try to keep it brief…
I need some reassurance as I think I know the right answer but I have a huge thing about doubting myself and a tendency to feel guilt unnecessarily.
Ex and I have been split for 9 years. Three kids- two grown now but one still under 18.
A bit of history so not to drip feed- I have lived a past of emotional and financial abuse with this man and am now in a place where I have built my confidence up and don’t get drawn into his attempts to get to me by mastering the grey rock technique. He still however upsets my kids on a regular basis through completely shitty behaviour, typically stemming from drink which has caused some very awful situations for my kids to go through- and completely blurred lines of what is appropriate for a parent child relationship with manipulation and treating them like they’re pub mates. The reason I mention this because I am very much my kids emotional stable now and try as much as possible to keep the peace to avoid any backlash which he has no qualms about dishing out to them.
So here’s the issue I have… up until now, despite the shitty dad role he plays, he has always paid me maintenance on time and what I have always through was a fair amount. He is a high earner, although I don’t know his exact salary (part of our separation agreement stipulate that he was to provide a P60 each year to keep maintenance accurate) when we split he was a director and earning I think around 75k annually. In The last few years, he stopped giving me money for the eldest 2, and now gives me £550pm for the youngest, who stays over there maybe two nights a month). This figure alone (from 9 years ago) is below the CMS calculation, and not only this, he has in the past couple of years been made partner in his company. I know he’s earning more now but he hasn’t offered up any extra. If I’m honest I’m bloody petrified about bringing this up with him as I know it will provoke a nasty response and I actually don’t think I’m feeling strong enough to deal with it. I have this feeling of guilt too that I’m being greedy and I hate the thought that I am asking for extra money to fund my lifestyle- which is very basic- no fancy clothes, old car, definitely not a lavish lifestyle. I haven’t had a holiday with my kids since we split. Hes currently on his third this year. I keep telling myself that I put my life on hold for many years, as now just setting off in building a career as a student midwife (I waited until I knew I could commit to it) and have had the kids 90% of the time. Plus over the past few years life hasn’t been easy, I am just about making ends meet but am now regularly using my credit card to pay for basics and the balance is creeping up, it’s manageable but I have to budget and I know I’ll be paying this off for a while after I qualify. And I don’t know about others but just because my kids are over 18, they don’t suddenly stop needing financial support!
So heres the dilemma… am I being unreasonable? How do I approach this? I’ll be honest it’s making me really anxious but I can help but feel a bit screwed over.

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 06/09/2024 09:18

I agree with a PP is it worth poking the bear? Your children, if they are working, should be contributing a bit more to the household. It's a moot point as to whether they are adults but if your youngest is almost 18 I'm guessing they are in their 20s? It's all very well subsidising them to allow them to save but not at your unmanageable expense.

Original poster
Runninginhotpants · 06/09/2024 09:10

Thanks for all the responses so far.
What I hate the thought of is that I am being considered as using the money for anything other than the kids. It’s that fine line between what my outgoings are and what chunk of that is down to me having children. Admittedly I have no childcare fees as they’re all older but I am the family taxi, they eat their body weight in food, I pay my youngests DSs mobile bill etc plus provide cheap rent/utilities for the eldest two to help them save money which TBH leaves me no better off at all. In reality, in living in a four bed house to keep a roof over BOTH our kids heads, for a hearty cost. If I wasn’t the rp I know I would still have space for them to stay but I could in reality downsize to a two/3 bed for a significantly cheaper cost.
We both chose to have children and I know whilst I would never begrudge my kids or see them go without, he doesn’t even seem to have this worry. I’m constantly the boring mum who doesn’t have the luxury of doing nice things with my kids- it takes me ages to plan and find nice days out whilst he throws money at them on a routine basis, lavish holidays etc. I’m happy that they get to do things like this but so sad that I don’t have the freedom to do them with them myself. It just feels like he still has so much control over me.
when I weigh it up though I can’t complain as my kids know who they feel the most safe with and who is their stable parent.

OP posts:
Timeforaglassofwine · 06/09/2024 08:11

I disagree that £550 is a decent amount of maintenance. He should still be chipping in for the kids - they aren't suddenly self reliant at 18. The guy brings home more than £4k per month, so needs to step up. Go through CMS op, as you are probably owed a back payment. If he is abusive to you or the kids then he needs reporting.

WhenSunnyGetsBlue · 06/09/2024 07:08

Not an unreasonable thing to do. You could go though CMS. Ultimately, child maintenance is your kid's right.

I wouldn't though. £550 is a decent amount for maintenance. I've always been of the mind "I don't want to sell my soul for my ex's money". The reason I won't claim maintenance is because he was abusive and I don't want him anywhere near me child or in our lives.

The decision is yours to make. You have to balance the risks, weigh up the pros and cons. Only you can decide what is best for your family. What is the worst that he will do if he has to pay more/go through CMS?
Quit his job or retire so you get less?
Take you to court for more child custody?
Shout a bit and stamp his feet?
Become violent/dangerous?

sarahzbaker · 06/09/2024 00:04

Report him to CMS arse

Wondering101 · 05/09/2024 23:45

I was in this position and then decided to go via cms for child maintenance. I was sick of the emotional manipulation. The fact that he hasn’t provided you with the p60 means they will look into his wage and tell you how much he needs to pay. They will also tell him. Additionally if he doesn’t pay it for a small fee it will just be taken out of his wages. Tell him you want to make sure it’s fair or don’t tell him anything at all. They will do the talking for you. Yes my ex was angry and abusive but they quickly told him that he has to pay no choice. Take control back

ncforcatquestion · 05/09/2024 23:37

But to answer your question YANBU

ncforcatquestion · 05/09/2024 23:37

You first need to think is it worth opening the door for him to be abusive. I gave up asking my ex to contribute to school uniform etc because it just wasn't worth the emotional abuse he put me through, and now I never contact him and my life is better for that. Secondly, you could go down the route of contacting him via a solicitor

Swipe left for the next trending thread