To want to talk about donor conception

I'd also recommend reading the posts of a donor conceived child on the donor boards. Their posts are heartbreaking about the effect it has had on them. But it's an uncomfortable truth donor parents won't want to acknowledge

'I suppose I feel there is compromise in everyone's life, and this will be a thing that we as a family have to deal with.'

Might be a compromise for you but what about the child? Most of your posts op are about how you will deal with it, not any issues your child may have with it.

I rarely read thoughtful comments from parents using donors about consideration for the child - it's usually about them and their feelings and how they'll 'deal with it'.

I wouldn't create a human and intentionally deprive them of their biological parent.

Have you read studies into sperm donation and its effects - how the children feel the donor is very much their father, how fathers of children created from the sperm of another man feel differently towards the child compared to biological fathers... There are some studies, mainly American I think when I was researching.

I chose to remain childless as opposed to use a donor after many IVF rounds with a partner. I have my personal ethical and moral codes and they far override my ultimately selfish desire for a child. I couldn't do it to someone.

I recommend the Facebook group donor conceived best practises and considerations

Our DC doesn’t know as they are far too young.

It really isn’t something we give a second thought to now. We’re not hugely close to other family members so doesn’t feel like we’re hiding some huge secret. I think a lot of people make it out to be a far bigger issue than it is.

I think the main ethical objections to sperm donation are child-centred, given the relatively low physical cost to men in donating. While I accept that no family is perfect, I think that intentionally depriving a child of a biological parent is deeply problematic. I think co-parenting with the donor/biological father is more ethical from the child’s point of view though obviously more difficult for the parents.

I hope you’ve told your DC though?

I wanted my husband’s child and he wanted mine.

Please understand I’m not judging you for going down the donor route. You do what is right for you.

It's a hugely personally decision and what's right for some people won't be right for others.

I can't have children but have a very high AMH & good quality eggs. Given, I can't use them, I enquired about donating them (I was in my mid 30s do they wouldn't allow it) so I don't subscribe to the notion that it's an exploitation of women. I know others how donated for personal reasons too and very willingly.

I might be oversimplying it but I think a child needs love, shelter, support and safeguarding. There are a hell of a lot of natural concieved children who don't have that. How a child is loved and cared for will always be more important that how a child is concieved in my opinion.

Isn’t that a lot of pressure on your child as they have to keep a huge part of themselves a secret from everybody?

Please tell your husband what an incredibly wonderful life-saving and creating thing he did ! What a glorious hero of a man ♥️♥️♥️

same - I wanted to be an egg donor but sadly my eggs are not a fan of being fertilised!

From the other side - my husband has donated sperm recently. We have our own kids and he decided to do it in order to help other people have kids too.

We did of course discuss it first and are both fine with the idea of young adults getting in touch in the future.

There were a lot of tests, discussions and appointments involved, but obviously much more straightforward than egg donation! If that were easier I'd have done it myself.

Why is it awkward? Do you mean explaining how babies are made- that shouldn’t be awkward, especially if you are a parent!! Honestly think it’s probably less awkward for my kid to think about some genetic material in a Petri dish than having to realize that dad put his penis in mum’s vagina repeatedly if we are going to be blunt about it!

and how is it a huge burden?! I’d love to hear how you talk about kids of abusive fathers…

I wouldn't do it unless I could be really clear with your child why it is a positive thing.

It is all very well saying 'we will always tell the child' but as a parent I can tell you that you won't want to impose awkward discussions on your child. Unless you can explain to your child in a way that it is easy for them to process I really wouldnt do it. Its a huge burden for a child to carry.

I used a donor egg due because despite being with DH for nearly 20 years we didn’t decide until very late on that we wanted to have a child.

We took the decision not to tell anyone and other than DH and I not a single person has any idea our DC was born as a result of egg donation. DC looks like my DH so nobody queries it. We didn’t even tell our parents.

It worked well for us. We have the most wonderful DC and to be honest we don’t give it a second thought. We are a very happy family.

Good luck with your journey.

Also to add that while I recognise there’s no father figure - im incredibly lucky to have such a fantastic support network round me so she has lots of uncles and aunties. Speaking to families in more traditional set ups, I think she actually has a closer relationship to the wider family than most of her friends . Yes , it’s a loss - but it’s also a huge gain for both her and my wider family/friends.

in terms of selfishness- yes? However, reproduction is - there are families who have children when they can’t afford them, families who bringing children into unhappy relationships, we’re all destroying the world answering a reproductive need … however I can confidently say my children are absolutely loved beyond measure. They have been brought into life by a mum who has gone through an incredible amount to bring them there and is completely dedicated to making their lives magic.

I've decided not to have a child as I'm autistic and don't want to pass that on and for me I just can't come to terms with the idea of using donor eggs and sperm. I have never met my biological father and it was so, so difficult to deal with as a child and I just don't think I could cope with my child going through the same thing as I did, knowing that I intentionally put them in that position. I acknowledge that part of this difficulty is because my family never allowed me to speak openly about my father and I also acknowledge that a great number of children in my position don't care at all but for me this is the right decision.

I'm 33/40 pregnant and with an IV pregnancy using donor sperm. I'm really open about it. UK law means if you do it legitimately then the child gets to find out their donor's name and details when they grow up. There are also books aimed at children about. My child will know about their donor who gave mummy a gift so she could them from before they can talk. It will be part of them, not a big secret.
I imported sperm from an EU sperm bank where I could get a bit more information, I have baby photos, a sketch of him as an adult and a letter from him to any children he conceives. He still meets UK criteria for identity release. This was important to me, as it gives my child more info about him.

All families are different, some have 2 mummies, some a mummy and a daddy, some just one parent, some a grandparent.

IMBC - both (!!! Just had my 12 week scan!!!!) of my children are DC.

I knew I would be a better mum solo so I feel it’s my duty to parent the best I can if I’m going to bring children into this world. Failing asexual reproduction, DC was the way forward. I also knew I had the capacity to bring up my children in a loving , nurturing, creative and happy home so I was bringing them into a ‘good life’

My children have known since they were in the womb that they are DC. We talk about it in a child friendly way and it’s something we talk about loudly and proudly. My donors have amazing backgrounds and I think it’s something to be excited about.

i know several women who regret their choice of ‘baby daddy’ and so there’s absolutely no guarantee that a marriage or long term relationship is going mean that the child ends up with the sort of dad the mum would have hoped for. The only person I would have had children with ended up having a significant mental health crisis and turned into a completely different and unsafe person - while I would have 1000% at the time have told you I was making the right decision and had been in a relationship with him for 13yrs at that point , I’m incredibly glad i dodged that bullet!!

Im a bit sad I couldn’t use the same donor for both - and I have reservations about the potential number of siblings. But those are discussions for when they are older- particularly as I’m hoping there will be some changes to legislation by then so they can have greater access to information.

i am a therapist so I feel I’m very well equipped to deal with things therapeutically and thankfully have lots of connections for good therapists if they feel they want to talk to someone when they are older.

Thanks for understanding - yes I really relate to your friend's saying. And I do often tell myself that maybe it's for the best climate/world affairs wise, especially recently. But hopefully things will improve with the world before too long.

Wishing you the very best with your own journey x

Thank you for your kind words but I feel I have to point out, I don't think it is the right decision for me. Having a child honestly would take away so much of my pain - I never wanted anything more than to be a mother and think I would have been a good one.

But it's my own belief (accepting others will completely disagree) that it's what's in the best interests of a child.

♥️

Be much easier if we were like Mr Potato head
"My uterus is no use to me but it works well so here you go"
Although I've just found out mine is full of endo so a bit late now!