To want to talk about donor conception

I can give you the perspective of the child in this situation - however in my case I was conceived through egg donation and surrogacy in the mid 1990s but effectively a similar situation to you in that your potential child would be yours from birth but just living with one biological parent and one non-biological parent.

There was SO much stigma for my parents at the time and whilst they didn’t handle it well (I wasn’t raised with the knowledge of my parentage and there were even articles written about my parents suggesting they were buying a child) I can honestly say I had a wonderful childhood and was so loved and wanted.

Whilst my mum is of no biological relation to me and I did not grow in her womb, I loved her immeasurably and whilst at times I longed to be biologically hers we were very close and bonded. She raised me from when I was days old and was my mother in every way it counts.

If your husband is a loving, attuned, involved father to your child from the moment of his or her birth the fact that they don’t share a biological connection will not matter in the grand scheme of things. A parent - child bond is so much more than biology and to suggest otherwise is so deeply offensive to me and to many other families.

Of course this doesn’t mean biological connection doesn’t mean anything at all - but if you and your husband are able to guide your child through any difficult questions or emotional distress they have about being donor conceived then your child will likely be absolutely fine about it and just happy they had parents willing to to whatever it takes to make a family.

I’m also 100% with you on being fed up with people telling you to adopt - adoption is way more complicated and difficult than using donor egg or sperm. You shouldn’t have to justify why that will not be your path to parenthood.

Please please tell your child asap- before they are old enough to understand , you should normalise this for them. You may not think it’s a big deal, but it can come as a huge shock to older children/ people who aren’t told as young children to learn their genetic origins aren’t what they thought they were. It can be really traumatic . Please read some of the advice on this- you have to understand your DC’s perspective may be different to your own.

Having ANY child is a selfish decision. We have them because WE want a child not because the child decides to be born. Having DC children in my life, it is important that they know the origins from the beginning. Their baby book looks a bit different. And they don’t see it as a big deal. Secrets are what destroys people. The stories from adult donor conceived people I’ve read, it’s the bombshell of finding out later in life and/or a DNA test returning an unexpected result. I think it’s imperative to have the ability to contact the donor if they want to. And to ensure that there are limits around how many families a donor can assist (there are some early horror stories of potentially hundreds of half siblings). Your child will be just that - your child. Love, care and stability are the basis of a successful adult. You should be offered counselling. Take it to make sure you and your husband have explored all your emotions.

I have my wonderful baby lying on my chest as I type this - conceived using a donor egg.

After a longish journey we discovered I had endometriosis and my ovaries were basically fucked.

It was a hard decision and I've had some wobbles wishing I'd been able to have a child that was mine genetically but I couldn't love this little mite more. I've not made it a secret he's from a donor egg, I wouldn't be able to keep track of who I'd told. And I don't think it's a big deal, it was a voluntary donation.

He couldn't be more perfect.

Good luck.

This is the problem I have. I just can’t compare the two- they aren’t a fair comparison.

People having accidental pregnancies, splitting up, or a partner dying, any kind of accidental or unfortunate circumstance etc, leaving a child without one or both of their parents… they’re all unintentional. They weren’t meticulously planned to be that way.

It feels different when I am considering intentionally creating a situation where someone has an absent biological mother or father.

It’s like comparing the loss of a mother or father through adoption to anonymous donation. Adoption happens after tragedy strikes. Not when someone decides to create the separation, in order to have the child.

I don’t want to justify my actions on the basis that other people have done worse. I want to be able to say I chose this carefully because I truly believe it was the best option.

But please, don’t think I derive any satisfaction or joy in saying this. I’m just being honest about why I’ve done what I’ve done.

I guess you could argue that what I’ve done is also not the best possible option. Therefore I shouldn’t have done it. We did come close to not having our family at all.

I don’t doubt you’ve done everything with the very best of intentions.

i would be curious to know the age of these donor conceived individuals- assuming they are online forums they must be 20s and up? I feel like best practice for parenting donor conceived children has changed dramatically in that time and I hope that leads to better outcomes for our children. I don’t want to diminish their lived experience in anyway but I wonder how much insight this can provide when things have changed so much? things like social acceptance to accessing therapy has changed markedly over the past few years, awareness of ART, or the rich variety and visibility of families that make up our communities (eg my little one has friends with two mummies, trans parents, traditional families, solo parent families, families by adoption … so our family set up doesn’t feel particularly unique in anyway )

i obviously want to learn from their experiences and ensure that I don’t replicate things for my child - while being grateful that so much has changed.

@Blouseybiggal if you’re asking me, Yes. We did. We used known donors. That’s the bit I can’t justify- using an unknown sperm donor.

It’s been a lot more complex for us as adults. It’s been a lot more expensive. It’s been harder on our bodies.

But when we thought this wasn’t an option, we agreed not to have kids.

Then it became an option and everything changed. So I do know what I would have chosen if this hadn’t been an option.

It’s been a really really tough time but I couldn’t do something that I couldn’t justify in my own mind.

I have 2 dc who were conceived naturally but it took a long time and we debated various fertility options. For me I decided early on that any donor option was not something I wanted. It's an entirely selfish thing, but I wanted our child to be genetically related to us, despite our older age and risk of certain conditions. I feel a huge part of the connection I have with my dcs comes from the fact that they have so many features of mine and DH, both in looks and personality. And there's a personal satisfaction in passing my genes on.

If we couldnt have conceived without donor help I think we would have drawn a line there and opted not to have children at all. I have never been so desperate for a baby that I would have tried all options. I don't think we would have even have tried IVF (because the chances of success seemed slim, as we would have been quite old). I would have just accepted things weren't to be and continued with my child-free life.

And does that go for the approx 1m children in the U.K. who have zero contact with their biological fathers, or the 3.1 million U.K. children being raised in single parent households, mainly by mothers?
Or is it just the few couples who have used sperm donation that you have issue with?

You said what I was trying to say, far better than I managed as I feel as you do. In your shoes, I would have done the same. And I am also a (childrens') therapist.

So you used a donor too.
Until you walk in someone else’s shoes you can never know what you would and wouldn’t do.

I couldn’t do it. We couldn’t justify doing it so we didn’t do it. I thought we weren’t going to be able to have children because I felt so strongly about this. But we were able to use known donors, who are a big part of our lives and will always be known to our children as their biological fathers, no secrets, no waiting, no searching. Always known and always enabling their development within the context of a real relationship… not just an abstract idea/ unknown entity until they turn 16 or 18 etc.

If we hadn’t had this option I wouldn’t have opted for an unknown donor. I would have given up my dream of having a family. Which would have been soul destroying for me, as I’ve always wanted to be a mother.

I know many people who have bought anonymous sperm and conceived that way- people I love and in all other ways truly respect. I don’t tell them what I think. But I don’t think it’s ethical. I couldn’t do it. I’m their Mum, I couldn’t do that to them.

I really liked that quote you mentioned- about loving them so much that I didn’t have them.

I don’t know how to reconcile all this. I want to have a different answer. I wish I could feel differently about it. I don’t think people who choose this are bad, just blinded by their own dreams.

I wish you, your family and your child(ren) the best possible outcomes.

I’m not interested in winning a debate. I want to be positive and kind. I just can’t find a way to justify using anonymous sperm.

I feel like if I did, I’d be prioritising my own desires over the well-being of my children. I’d feel like I’ve lost everything that matters about being a mother, before they’d even been born.

I’m a therapist too.

Our children will find out their donor details at 18c if they choose do, which I assume they will. Which we fully support and agree with.

I would have concerns but if I wanted a child and there was no other way I would go for it. And I agree with the poster who said she didn't tell anyone. Best way.

YANBU - your choice.
Wife and I used a sperm donor, I could give a shiny shit about what anyone else thinks of that, quite frankly! IRL I find that no-one else really cares or has an opinion either, at least not anyone we care about anyway.
Show me that your relationship, partner and kids are perfect, then you can judge…

@Dream2762 are you going to tell your child?

Neither DH and I are close to our families so not really anyone to tell who would be interested to be honest. I don’t think anyone knows we even used IVF let alone a donor.

I agree that it appears to be a bigger issue for those who have never been part of it than those who have.

The notion, as expressed in offensive terms by an earlier poster, that parents who use donor eggs and/or sperm are somehow selfish is nonsense. If anything the fact that parents were willing to pay and go through the process shows just how wanted the child is.

Different situation but I had DS through a one night stand with a waste of space. A lot more to it but DS knew age appropriate details all throughout his life.

@Dream2762 children should be told while they're very young so they grow up always having known with their origins normalised rather than a big reveal. TBH it sounds like you don't have any intention of ever telling anyone?

I'm donor conceived. I agree the child should be raised knowing they were donor conceived. I was told at 15, by my dad and stepmum who I lived with, and that was definitely the wrong timing.

Being donor conceived is a non issue for me. I barely think about it. I'm old enough that my donor had the right to remain anonymous, so I did a 23 and me out of interest but it didn't dig anything up, so I've left it at that. I view my donor as a person who gave me an incredible gift, nothing more, nothing less.

i knew I would be a better solo parent than I would either in a relationship or in a co-parenting situation . Should I deprive my children of having the best possible version of me as a mum (which I can control) to have some (imagined) father figure who may or may not be up to scratch (which I can’t ) ?

i see co-parents run themselves ragged to meet the needs/stresses/pitfalls of their co-parent while I get to invest all my energy in my child and be the best version of myself. I think it would be more problematic to say ‘meh - I could be a fantastic mum but I’ll settle as a mediocre mum to meet some societal ideal’ (holding in mind the ‘ knowing your biological father /co- parenting model’ is by no means a global parenting approach. I find the idea of accepting this Eurocentric model as best simply because it’s what I am familiar with deeply problematic )

in saying that , of course when they are old enough (they don’t get the information until they are sixteen/eighteen at the moment which I agree is problematic but that’s out of my control - I’d give it to them earlier if i could) I will fully support them meeting and exploring a relationship with their donor and any donor siblings . If the donor are comfortable to meet me, I’d love to thank them for the absolute unbelievable privilege of becoming my children’s mum .

Offensive nonsense.

The advice is to start telling them before they can even understand, so that it is something normal to them from before they can even remember.

This is not meant to be barbed whatsoever, but hopefully you are not entertaining not telling your DC at all, because with DNA testing so widely available it’s not a secret you have any control over. And it will massively mess them up finding out like that.

As an aside, while the HFEA has regulations regarding family size limit, that only applies to the UK and there is a scandal where clinics are selling material abroad where there are no such regulations. Donor children can still end up with a very large amount of siblings.

After a successful round of IVF, we found ourselves with four embryos that we kept paying to store year after year. 99% sure we’d never use but couldn’t let them go. We’ve now donated them to couples who desperately want children. No financial gain at all as suggested by some of these posts, only a lifetime of questions and wonders, and we are open to being contacted in the future. We have our beautiful little boy and because of health issues really couldn’t chance another and our family was complete the day we found out it had all worked and how we cherish our little soul.