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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex withholding child maintenance?

42 replies

kp35 · 05/09/2024 15:20

I know we probably have these threads all the time on here...

But AIBU to think this is the lowest of the low and financially abusive?

Have a child with ex who is still a baby. He's never been regular with seeing him, just turns up when he wants. Every 6 weeks or so. Never had him on his own.

Initially applied through CMS but ex convinced me we could do it amicably between us. Big mistake. Has been mostly paying but usually late or less than agreed. He's a decent earner.

Suddenly requested to start having our son for the whole weekend, Friday through to Monday. I'm okay with it in principle, realise it's my child's right to see their Dad etc.
but as he's not been seeing him regularly or consistently I simply asked that we build up to that, 1 whole day, then 2 whole days, then do the overnights. I think it was reasonable and in our sons best interest to get used to the change.

He threatened not to pay the maintenance. And followed through.

I've offered him days but he says unless it's the whole weekends like he's asked for he's not giving "me" any money.

The money I get for our child doesn't even cover half of the costs monthly, nursery etc. I do all the caring and running around as I work full time too.

His parents and friends think he's a wonderful man.

Frustrated as I can't and would never opt out of providing for my child.

OP posts:
Original poster
kp35 · 05/09/2024 16:05

Thanks @Singleandproud

I did see a solicitor for advice and they said I could either take the approach of inviting him to mediation myself/go down the court route if that fails/ invite him to sort out the birth certificate issue...

Or just leave him too it and wait for him to make the first move to sort all this if he's serious.

I know he will not be happy when he gets contacted by CMS.

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 05/09/2024 16:02

I was going to say not to give him the weekends as when you go back to work and he is at school, you won’t ever see your child in their down time.

Every other weekend seems fair but, as you said, build up slowly.

If he is messing around already I would go for court ordered contact and CSA for maintenance.

I am suspicious if he has never shown any interest before how he thinks he can look after a baby/toddler for a whole weekend. Will he delegate this to a new gf or his mother?!

Singleandproud · 05/09/2024 15:59

Hahaha he wants every weekend? That's never going to happen 🤣

If he isn't on the birth certificate then I'd ignore anything he says about contact until he sorts that out - you can still go for CMS though

Original poster
kp35 · 05/09/2024 15:58

@jeaux90 he's not on the BC (despite me asking and reminding him we can sort it if he wants to)

OP posts:
Original poster
kp35 · 05/09/2024 15:58

@Singleandproud thank you, that's very helpful. My ex moved hours away so I don't think he'd be looking for weekdays- just seeking the weekends as it suits him. I have offered to build up to every other as I want time with my child too, rather than just doing all the running around in the week!

I have reapplied to CMS now but not sure how long it will take.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 05/09/2024 15:55

CMS and honestly I would get a CAO in place. It formalises contact and will enable you to go on holiday for a few weeks every year without needing a letter of permission (assuming he is on the birth certificate)

I know you probably aren't thinking about holidays or travelling but when your DC is older it's easier to have full control of this rather than having to negotiate for a letter etc

Singleandproud · 05/09/2024 15:55

Because I wrote the contact order I was happy with,with what I thought was best for DD,the magistrates commended me on a fair contact schedule providing it remained flexible to DDs needs as she grew and got older.

Contact centre every other Saturday for 3 months or so then Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday for 2x hours T+T +after exs work) and 4hrs on Sun - slowly moving to 8am-6pm
Start of nursery Wed nursery pick up to 6 pm + Sundays 8-6pm,
At 4 every Wednesday after nursery/ school + EOW
Mothers/fathers day and parents birthday with relevent parent
DD birthday and Christmas alternated (Christmas 12noon Christmas eve to 12 noon boxing day)

The EOW barely happened as DD didn't like it so he brought her home at 6pm and picked her up in the morning.

Fatbottomgardener · 05/09/2024 15:51

CMS. No reasoning with knobheads.

Original poster
kp35 · 05/09/2024 15:47

Not sure why he's decided to try and step up now. Could be a new gf or family who knows?

To be honest I'd be quite pleased if he did a bit more, gives me a break, just want him to be reliable and build up gradually.

Now he's done this it's left me feeling angry and disappointed. He clearly doesn't have our sons best interests at heart.

@Singleandproud, was there any particular reason the courts said 4 years old in your case? I've heard it's often overnights from 2

OP posts:
WeAreWhereWeAre · 05/09/2024 15:47

As others have said - just go through the CMS. My ExH tried to use maintenance payments to control me, He begged me not to go through the CMS but I did it anyway.

And if your ex starts playing games, you can do 'collect and pay' through the CMS.

Singleandproud · 05/09/2024 15:43

Just go via CMS it'll be sorted in a month.

As for contact, contact for young children should be little and often IE an hour a day, 2 hours every other day etc building up gradually.
If he has no bond with the child you can ask the GP, HV or a solicitor to refer you to a contact centre where you drop baby off at a playgroup sort of set up staffed by volunteers and baby and dad develop a bond.

FYI Court were entirely happy with DD not doing over nights until she was 4 years old

Whothefuckdoesthat · 05/09/2024 15:39

Definitely stop engaging with him and go straight to CMS.

Realistically, shit parents don’t go overnight from someone who pops up every six weeks or so, to suddenly wanting weekend access, all weekend, every weekend. So there’s obviously something behind it. It could be wanting to reduce maintenance payments but my money would be on a new woman who has been asking why he never sees his child. So now he’s got the best of both worlds. He gets to claim that you’re withholding access, he gets to keep his money for himself and he doesn’t have to care for a child he can’t really be bothered with.

No Judge in the world is going to have a problem with you asking for access to build up to overnight stays, so if he threatens to take you to court, call his bluff. Just keep all of your contact in writing. Create an email address just for him. And rest assured that you are doing the best thing for your child. What sort of parent would send their baby off for the weekend with someone they didn’t know other than for a couple of hours every six weeks? Poor little love would be terrified.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2024 15:28

His parents and friends think he's a wonderful man.

His parents raised this arsehole so it's unsurprising. And twats of a feather flock together.

carrotcard · 05/09/2024 15:24

Go to cms and don't communicate with him further on the matter

Igmum · 05/09/2024 15:23

Yes. If he's employed and PAYE CMS will get the money. He isn't a wonderful man.

TheFlis · 05/09/2024 15:22

Just go via CMS, otherwise he will always use it to blackmail you.

millymoo1202 · 05/09/2024 15:22

Just go through CMS, don’t engage with him