Patronising DP telling me to 'please' do things or

People on Mumsnet are always complaining about how long their husbands spend on the loo. Usually heading for apio just before they're all about to go out!
I'm pretty certain that plenty of the wives tell then not to be long!

And I'm another that thinks the please is a second language/cultural thing, rather than being deliberately patronising.

Sounds like he has good manners to me 🤔

I think it’s patronising and controlling.

I do think the use of please depends a lot on whether you use ‘could you’ or ‘can you’ or ‘would you’ after it.

For example, there’s a difference between: “Please could you put the bins out” and “Please put the bins out”.

(Fwiw, my ExH does this when he messages me about the kids: “Please pick DD up at 5pm”. It’s deliberate, to make him feel like he’s in charge. I just 😂.)

It is unbelievably weird to ask you to restrict your time in the toilet 🫤

It’s not about saying please - it’s about giving you commands (however politely they’re phrased).

I give my 3yo polite commands - I ask my DH questions or requests.

Where is he from?

One of my very dear friends is Japanese and while she's fluent in English, there are some quirks of language that bleed through that are all Japanese. Preceding any request to do anything with "please" is one of them! Teaching me to cook something and she's going "please measure X amount of rice" "Please fry it until it's crisp" etc. She's not being patronising at all, it's just how English flows with a Japanese background.

I'd have a chat with him about it as it could so easily just be a cultural miscommunication rather than him intentionally infantilising you!

If he's a language geek (which you say he is) then I can understand the bit about not losing your Italian. I speak several languages and it's the sort of thing I might say to someone close to me, but I wouldn't mean to be partronising or rude.

As for the toilet thing, I did used to say "please don't be long" to my mum because she really did disappear for ages and, even if there wasn't a time element, it was a tad irritating when you're supposed to be enjoying time together.

Maybe it's a cultural thing OP, sort of lost in translation?

Not a good sign.

How deeply invested are you in this relationship?

Could it be cultural, op?

My DH is German, speaks fluent English. But sometimes things still come out abrupt as no matter how fluent you are, it's still not your native tongue.

I speak fluent German and get told off for apologising too much... British habit!

(Although the ten minute toilet comment is odd)

Sounds like ‘could you please be a little more understanding of some of the challenges of endometriosis?’ Is the response

Duplicate deleted

This! People say one word but we hear another. And different cultures make it all the harder. But you both have to be constructive about it.

I do think you should have a chat with him about what he means vs. what you hear, given that English isn't his first language.

I have 2 friends from different parts of North America who were together for many years before they realised that when one of them says "You must do xyz" she means "why don't you consider doing xyz as you might like it/find it helpful" but the other hears "I command you to do xyz now!". Dialect differences.

But obviously possible that your dp is bossing you around and needs telling to stop!

Oh scratch that, I like what @Anonym00se daughter says better! Use that

“I’ll take as long as I fucking well want to, you condescending prick.”

But then I do tend to go 0-100 in these things.

Grounds for murder. Both comments.

Please don't patronise me you fucking dick, would be a reasonable response

My DH can come across as patronising at times. DD’s response is usually “Okaaaaay, thanks for that, Mr Tumble”. It always makes me giggle (and him too).

You don’t say please when someone is going to the toilet - i mean is it polite to say Please don’t have a smelly dump dearest.

I personally say "please" before asking my husband (or anyone else) to do literally anything.

It's not the please alone. It's putting a please in front of a patronising, belittling comment. OP is a grown woman and can take how long it takes in the loo. His telling her how long it should be is awful, and putting a PA please in front is the cherry on top.

There has to be a lot more to the story and other issues in the marriage otherwise I must be the most patronising human on the planet lol

I personally say "please" before asking my husband (or anyone else) to do literally anything.

Is it his tone? Or his general manner?

Because there's absolutely nothing wrong with having good manners imo.

Edit: PP mentioned different cultures and I am wondering if this may be the case. I was raised in NZ and my husband in the UK and we use "please" and "thank you" quite differently.

In which case, I'd tell him when he's bleeding heavily out of his bum monthly he can comment on the length of time it is reasonable to take, but until then he better keep his trap shut.

Preferably in Italian, because frankly that would funnier.

It's almost like he thinks putting 'please' at the front of his sentence negates the bossiness of it. It doesn't. If anything it's more irritating. With his comment on Italian, I would straight out say no. He's not your boss. With the loo one, I'd say 'I will take as long as I take. We have plenty of time for the ferry.'

If he doesn't like you 'answering back' then that's a bigger problem. He really is acting like your parent.

Telling me how long to spend in the loo would be completely unacceptable whether he said please or not!

Is it the please or the request that is the issue? Or both. There's some interesting stuff around please implying power differentials so can actually appear rude. BUT it's quite culturally specific so people do run up against it. I'm reading that you are both from different countries.