About boyfriend visiting a quaker house?

Read this- don’t just skim over- and identify what is in it that you object to
https://www.quaker.org.uk/faith/our-faith/quakers-and-god

Seems like you’re being a bit inconsistent- you’re annoyed he visited a religious building and worried it means he might want to raise any future children in a religious faith, but you’re also annoyed that he suggested you wouldn’t be interested in visiting religious building. That doesn’t seem sneery to me, it just seems like an accurate comment. (FWIW I think non religious people can gain all sorts of benefits from religious buildings- you don’t need to believe in God to benefit from beauty and peace- but it sounds as if you don’t think that because you’ve leapt from “visiting a building” to “indoctrinating children”).

Anyway, if you want a guaranteed 100% unquestioning atheist, maybe this one’s not for you.

Because most people with faith might take their kids to church but won't disown them or forbid them from going their own way as they get older. They allow space to grow into their own person.

Controlling is telling another person that they can't choose for themselves.

Fwiw I don't think he was snarky either, I thinknit was an off the cuff comment that you see as a challenge.

Have a look at Quaker history. They have done amazing work over the centuries without expecting anyone to 'convert'. If religion and faith are likely to be important to you when bringing up a family though you need to be honest with each other.

Because you are acting like an extremist with no nuance and it smacks of its own form of bigotry and zealotry. Just because there isn't a god involved doesn't mean you aren't taking your beliefs to a point where it's unpleasant and potentially questionable in terms of judgement.

It looks just like any religious to me tbh.

It's hardly a moderate position.

It's interesting that your atheist beliefs are part of your family and personal identity going back generations. That is unusual I think and it perhaps suggests it's more fundamental to who you are and how you see others than for other people, like a belief system in it's self. I think you need to find someone who feels the same as you or has the same family background who understands this being your identity.

Maybe he was a bit snarky because he feels dismissed by you? You don’t really have any more right to impose your views on children than he does. If it’s really important to you to have kids with someone whose (lack of) religious beliefs align completely with yours he may not be the person for you.

Im an atheist, married to an agnostic, brought up by a Catholic mother, whose kids went to a Quaker school, with weekly visits to Meeting House. I take the view that it’s helpful for them to hear lots of different points of view regarding beliefs and then make up their own minds.

Not the point of the thread, but I’ve found the Quaker ethos to be an excellent basis for an education, and life in general.

How come my method is controlling and the other not?

It's not, but if this is really important to you then wouldnt it be best to find someone who aligns with your beliefs? Rather than someone who doesnt and then get annoyed that they are exploring that side

You sound quite harsh and judgemental. Maby people describe themselves as agnostic. I see it as them saying they don't really follow any religion but keep an open mind.
What's the problem with this exactly? He has a curiosity in faith but is not actively religious. It's not like he's forcing Christianity (or any other religion) down your throat.

@Celia24
I would consider myself atheist too. (An open minded one).

You know that we may be wrong don't you?

(Although, I don't think we are).

Remove the supernatural or obsesive element, and religion provides a pretty sound basis for behaviour. Quakers seem to be rather good at this BTW.

Jeez just ask him if he might be interested in starting to explore his spiritual side instead of inventing some story about how he’s deliberately misled you and intends to baptize your future children into the Catholic Church behind your back or whatever it is you think he’s leading up to.

OP if you think he's being snide and you are being this dramatic over not wanting to raise a child with anyone vaguely religious, this relationship isn't for you and you should end it immediately. God forbid (sic) you should talk to him like an adult and use communication skills to resolve this as that would just be silly.

I recommend putting on your OLD profile that you only date atheists just so there's no danger of there being a problem and you mention it on the first date. Lay down your ground rules and what is acceptable behaviour and what is not from the very beginning.

More seriously, I recommend you research Quakers and what they believe and don't believe as well. As well as taking a long hard think about just how close minded you are and whether you are being realistic in terms of finding a partner if you can't have an adult conversation with your partner on beliefs. If it's not religion it will be another belief that causes conflict if your automatic response is to go nuts over the slightest hint that it's in any way spiritual.

You sound quite rigid tbh. A year in and you're clear about a plan to have kids and dogmatic about what would rule someone out of that. You don't seem to appreciate his spirit of enquiry. As PPs have said, religious sites are interesting places to visit and his casually learning about other faiths and their histories should not be perceived as a threat. He's just engaging with the world.

My 5yo is very interested in religion now: she's being brought up without one but she knows that her grandparents and some of her friends have faiths that are important to them. She asks a lot of questions and I do my best to answer them. Tbh I'm glad she's curious. I can't control whether she one day finds religion of her own but I can teach her to regard others' respectfully. It's part of the rich world she lives in. Would you be willing to do the same one day?

It sometimes takes a year to find out that you are not well suited for sharing children and spending a life time together.

He seems hugely open minded.
You have strong feelings to want to control your children's spirituality... which is a bit spooky.

The need to hold firm to your own beliefs for yourself is not unreasonable but the need to control the belief system of your spouse and children could be hard for your boyfriend to accept.

Good to talk about it before it's too late.

Quaker is like the most mild thing ever.

You can break up with him.

But you need to understand that people change as they age. The man you marry today will be different to the man you are married to in 10, 20, 30+ years. And he should have space in the relationship to do that. Just like you have the right to end things.

Sounds to me like he is exploring something. What's important is his behaviour: he isn't pushing it on you. You can't expect any more or less.

You sound very closed minded. It’s your children’s decision whether they have a faith or not.

In a relationship there are compromises to be had if your views don’t exactly align, so maybe you should re-think this relationship and find someone who calls themselves atheist too.

In life people can also change their views - maybe they are religious and attend worship every week and then they pull away from their faith, and then there are those who may be atheist and develop an interest in a faith and may convert/start attending worship etc.

If you have no tolerance for a partner’s view to change their views on religion, have no ability to consider compromising on how any future DC are brought up in regards to religion, then you need to consider how controlling and one-track-minded you sound. Perhaps go and find a staunch atheist partner and hope like hell he doesn’t ever change his mind.

Btw I would probably say I’m agnostic, like to visit places of worship on my travels, attended Anglican and Catholic schools and I never ‘caught’ religion from any of them.

Weird to be so touchy about your atheism. It's almost like it's a faith that you can't cope with having criticised or joked about. If you're going off him for whatever reason that's fine, but I wouldn't extrapolate this comment and visiting a meeting house (nice sanctuaries in busy cities) as a reason not to have kids with someone if all else was great. Maybe it's not.

Sounds like a joke, perhaps because you are so staunchly atheist (to the extent of sounding like it’s a religion ironically). He’s more open minded and accepts he doesn’t know if there is a god/spiritual element to life. Quakers are fine and not at all like other organised religions, but even CoE is less so these days, they welcome everyone, can be very liberal and spiritual.

Accept your children for who they choose to be. Don’t force your beliefs on them. They are as human and individual as any other person, they don’t belong to you.

Faith is difficult to define as is the need for it. Maybe he's feeling that something is missing.

He needs to accept your lack of belief however, nothing changes just because he thinks he's found it. Acceptance is a two way street..