About boyfriend visiting a quaker house?

I’m going to go against the grain, I’m understanding where you’re coming from on this one OP.

A lot of people have said and rightly so that you can go to a historical religious building - Quaker in this instance not for religious reasons but to enjoy the building and its history. With that in mind and the comment he has made “You’d have no need for one as an atheist” points that in his view this is in fact a statement made on purely a religious aspect because he’s completely disregarded the fact that you may enjoy it for any other reason mentioned above. The wording is odd, it does sound judgemental on his part like he considers himself perhaps more morally superior because he is more open to the idea of God/ religion whereas you are not. He has said you have no need to go there because you don’t believe in God, surely he means as he’s not an Atheist therefore has some feelings towards a God being in existence that he has that right whereas you don’t? Why would he say that if he wasn’t considering it in any way shape or form? If it were simply just the fact that you didn’t believe in God then he wouldn’t have said it (IMO) because he knows you well enough to know that it doesn’t need to be said just for your benefit. This is purely for his own benefit that he has made that statement my guess is that he’s open to exploring it.

I think you are indeed getting a hard time and people are purposefully going out of their way to be obtuse and misinterpret what you’re saying. For example I went to a C of E school where obviously Christianity is strongly demonstrated. We had assemblies, went to church for religious holidays with school but I haven’t been since and do not have plans to practice a certain religion. I wouldn’t even if I did that it would be Christianity if I even did. I don’t even really think about God too much on a daily basis and I’m not even convinced he exists. I think to me I’d like to be able to believe a God type being exists purely because I find it comforting to think that one day I may see my loved ones who have passed again in an afterlife. I wouldn’t completely rule it out 100% even if I would 95% if that makes sense. To other people that may sound ridiculous but they don’t have the licence to police my feelings as much as I don’t theirs about their religious beliefs.

I know that on the balance of probability that’s very unlikely to be the case but if someone gave me evidence that proved otherwise I may be more inclined to follow a faith. Getting to the point, that’s what agnostic means to me. It will mean different things to different people just as religion and people’s interpretation of their religious teachings will mean to them. I will never in my mind follow a religion but I’m not wholeheartedly against the idea that there may be a God type spirit as a higher power that exists but not necessarily as it’s set out in bible. From my admittedly poor understanding being an Atheist means that you have no doubt in your mind that a God of any form exists? From all the agnostic people I know, they follow along the same thought lines as me as being open to the idea but wouldn’t openly practice or commit to a faith. I don’t think if your experiences are similar to mine that you’re so unreasonable to think the way that you do about what he has said.

As I said previously, I think your partner may be open to the idea of following a faith or at least exploring and so if you are not willing to bring your children at least loosely around a religion (not that you’re wrong at all for this) then you may need to reconsider if this person is someone you may want to have children with. A year in terms of length of a relationship isn’t very long at all but it is long enough to gauge a persons feelings towards certain subjects and only you know your partner not us and if you feel like he has dismissed how important it is for your children to be brought up in a no faith family then you should really take the steps to have a conversation with with regards to the future.

Good luck.

People change. When I met my husband I was an atheist. We married in a registry office. After I had our first child I became a Christian and later a Catholic and attended mass regularly and played an active part in the Church.

Now I’m agnostic 🤷‍♀️

YABU.

My husband is a fervant atheist. It doesn't stop him enjoying interesting buildings or having curiosity about what other people believe.

Nothing ‘closed-minded’ about atheism. You don’t believe in something for which there is zero evidence, and whose structures are obviously compounded out of a fear of death and a desire to impose some form of ‘order’ in times where the rule of law wasn’t so strong. That sounds like basic common sense.

However, this seems to have taken on a new importance, given that you knew he was agnostic. If you’re squabbling a lot, having just moved in together, is this just not working any more? Or too soon to tell?

Yes that’s what I got from reading your post. I don’t think he’s the right person for values and not a nice person either.

Just talk to him.

(any mention of children and how he wants to raise them, is most likely to mean his beliefs are not something that's going to concern you)

This.

He was never an atheist. Means he is likely to be more open to exploring and changing his mind one way or another.

You clearly have strong feelings on atheism, so if this is a deal breaker you need to cut your losses now.

I think you are going to find it hard to find a new relationship based on the fact they're atheist, it would probably take you a while to find someone who has the same views as you and you get along great with.
My husband and I have two different faiths and have been together 35 years.
I am catholic and my husband is a Christian, our children both went to a catholic school as they're better schools were we live, one is still a catholic now they're older and the other doesn't believe, my point is if you love this person, you could teach your child about his faith if he wants to and about your non faith they will decide for themselves what they want to be, I was brought up with no faith really and became a catholic as a teenager.
Just because you are an atheist it doesn't mean your children will want to be, I do think that you sound very forceful and what you want goes, just because it is what you believe it doesn't mean you are right.

I agree he sounds more open minded than you do, are you scared you might catch God by association?

If you're that much of a militant athiest then he's a not a match for you, find someone else who is more compatible with you.

I think it's you who needs to reflect on this. Because how do you decide - as a couple - that any group is ok for your children?

What strikes me is the authoritarian tone in your responses here, and that's one of the issues that many people have with organised religion.

And this is kinda my point. You are behaving in a mirror to this, because you have unresolved issues with religion. Why? What's at the heart of it.

What's to stop that same thing being present in a non-religious group?

I don't think your issues are purely about spirituality and religion alone. And you should probably reflect on that and the level of response you have to the subject.

Just don't talk about religion. I'm an atheist, don't believe any of it, to me it's a load of rubbish. My OH isn't an atheist, we respect each other's view and just don't talk about it.

Same with politics, I know our views are very different, so just don't talk about it.

What our boys decide to believe, is completely up to them.

Doesn't cause an issue.

Im picking up yes the issue is the faith thing, but also you haven't mentioned a proper discussion about this with aims to resolve it. Just some assumptions on your part. Here is a conflict resolution script you both may find useful as it sounds like you need a proper chat about this.

Conflict Communication Worksheet
1. Set the Stage

• Find a Calm Time: Choose a moment when both partners are calm.
• Set a Time Limit: Agree on a duration for the discussion (e.g., 30 minutes).

• Issue Description: Each partner briefly describes the issue from their perspective.
• Partner A:

• Partner B:

3. Express Your Feelings Using "I" Statements

• Partner A:
• "I feel [emotion] when [specific situation] because [reason]. What I need is [specific request]."
• Example: "I feel hurt when you interrupt me because it makes me feel unheard. What I need is for you to let me finish speaking."
• Partner B:
• "I feel [emotion] when [specific situation] because [reason]. What I need is [specific request]."
• Example: "I feel frustrated when we argue about money because it seems like we're not on the same team. What I need is for us to set a budget together."

• Partner A Speaks, Partner B Listens:
• Partner B’s Summary: "What I heard you say is..."

• Partner A’s Clarification (if needed):

• Switch Roles:
• Partner B Speaks, Partner A Listens:
• Partner A’s Summary: "What I heard you say is..."

• Partner B’s Clarification (if needed):

5. Identify Underlying Needs and Interests

• Partner A’s Needs/Interests:

• Partner B’s Needs/Interests:

6. Brainstorm Solutions

• List Potential Solutions:
• Solution 1:

• Solution 2:

• Solution 3:

• Evaluate Solutions Together:
• Pros and Cons of each solution.

7. Agree on a Solution

• Chosen Solution:
• Action Steps: Clearly define what each partner will do.
• Partner A’s Actions:

• Partner B’s Actions:

8. Follow-Up

• Set a Follow-Up Date: Choose a date to check in on the solution's effectiveness.
• Follow-Up Date:

9. Appreciation and Acknowledgment

• Partner A: "One thing I appreciate about you in this process is..."

• Partner B: "One thing I appreciate about you in this process is..."

Is this through a need for religion though or is it more a need for community?

People are all different. Having being raised as a Christian, I now feel precisely zero need for religion (and certainly not for conspiracy theories ffs... I value rationality and evidence as do many atheists and agnostics!) but do still miss the ready-made community.

What are you squabbling about amd what happens?

I think you need to talk to your partner and explain how important your atheism is to you, and that he hurt you with his offhand comment about you not needing to visit the Quaker meeting house.

If it would genuinely be a deal breaker for you if your partner found some kind of religion then you should probably tell him that as well.

This ⬆️

Now I'm confused OP as you are watering down your view about this, you said you are squabbling alot. Maybe he's just not the person you thought he was or you are just adapting to life together. Only you know if you want to be with him or you want a reason to split.

Red flag, for him.

Because part of the reason I'm not religious is I don't believe in telling kids what to think from the off

So then that would include atheism too surely? Telling kids that faith is wrong or there is no God is just as much telling them what to think as it would be to tell them one particular faith is the right one

Another thing to bear in mind is that people can change throughout their lives. My mum, for example, was an atheist as we grew up and then became a Christian in later life. You might choose to start a family with an atheist who becomes religious later on. I think you need to relax about the whole issue.
I'm agnostic and married into a Hindu family. My DH isn't really a believer, but his family are so the kids get exposed to some Hindu prayers, festivities etc. I'm fine with this. I find it interesting. My children have their own minds and aren't blindly believing all they're told by grandma. They can decide whether to be Hindu, Muslim, Christian, atheist or whatever, when they're older.

So... you'll be raising them to be agnostic then? Like your open minded agnostic boyfriend?

I don't know why people are calling you unreasonable. You have clearly indicated that you would have a general interest in visiting the building, just not for any kind of religious reason. You have also made it clear that it's your partner's sarcastic comment, not his visit to the building, that has you concerned.

I agree with you completely though, which is maybe why I can empathise. A partner with religious beliefs would be a deal breaker for me too, in terms of raising children. I suspect those calling you unreasonable may have a faith.