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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

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ICallPeopleDudeNow · 14/09/2024 10:12

AuxArmesCitoyens · 14/09/2024 08:17

Sorry but I have a hard time equating "this woman radiates kindness" and "I know for a fact this woman regularly spectacularly falls out with people and steals from food banks"

I know what you mean, but it sounds like she’s just showing people what she wants them to see.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 14/09/2024 08:17

Sorry but I have a hard time equating "this woman radiates kindness" and "I know for a fact this woman regularly spectacularly falls out with people and steals from food banks"

meercat23 · 13/09/2024 22:05

AuxArmesCitoyens · 13/09/2024 22:02

the kindness and helpfulness she radiates all makes sense now

But you said she had a track record of falling out with people explosively and stealing from food banks. How does that radiate kindness and helpfulness?

I have known people like that. Absolutely lovely, until they suddenly are not. Also there are people you can present themselves as lovely while it suits them to do so and can turn in an instance when that is what suits them.

AuxArmesCitoyens · 13/09/2024 22:02

the kindness and helpfulness she radiates all makes sense now

But you said she had a track record of falling out with people explosively and stealing from food banks. How does that radiate kindness and helpfulness?

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 13/09/2024 21:41

In a strange way, your ex-friend has done you a favour really. You didn't panic or grovel after her but stayed on holiday on your own, and overcame a string of challenges and here you both are, home safe and sound with at least a few great holiday memories - hope you can let it sink in what hurdles you've overcome this past week, give yourself the credit and be confident in planning your future travels and life with DD.

Had she not behaved like a complete tool you might have a miserable week with her anyway as she didn't sound good company to begin with, but instead you now know you can bounce back and turn a drama into a manageable situation. At the risk of sounding like a greetings card, sometimes the hard journeys lead us to a much better place. Be proud of yourself!

CoffeeLover90 · 13/09/2024 21:26

Just pleased to hear you're home. I just don't have the words to explain how in awe I am. At everything.
If you don't feel confident in writing a blog, in fact even if you do, writing it in a journal for DD would be an idea. Think of the life lessons she can learn from this, only rely on yourself, there's not a problem that can't be solved, stay calm, not everyone is as the seem, my mum is wonder woman... that's just off the top of my head. She'll remember the highlights I'm sure but she'd burst with pride if she knew everything you'd gone through while giving her the time of her life.
I did disneyland for the first time this year. I'm definitely booking it after Christmas because you are an inspiration. I was worried about flights etc alone with a small SEN child. But if you can do this, then I can at least try.
You're amazing.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 20:51

tamade · 11/09/2024 10:53

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis
I’m so impressed by you OP, your dd is so lucky.

You are probably running on adrenaline and stress right now, be prepared for it to hit you like a train when you get home and your body decides that you’re safe. Be kind to yourself then.

You were so spot on with this prediction! Processing it all now.

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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 20:05

alrightluv · 12/09/2024 21:37

Glad you're home. It's good the neighbour can see through ex friend. Hopefully others can too?

I think so. One of my other neighbours was a bit off with me when I said who I was going on holiday with. He said he knew her. Perhaps he knew more as well. I'll ask them over the weekend as they've got the ring doorbell which faces mine. A neighbour who I'm mates with said you'd never have guessed to look at her, and that it's scary how mental health can present itself. Everyone knows everyone around here, it's proper small town mentality. I've only been here 2.5 years. I don't think she has any real friends in our area though, they're all based in the main town. Now I know why! I was having a read about altruistic narcissism earlier and the kindness and helpfulness she radiates all makes sense now. I'd never heard of it before.

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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:58
  • don't worry- not don't known!
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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:58

Apolloneuro · 13/09/2024 19:54

That sounds a bit patronising. Sorry. Didn’t mean it to be.

Aha no it didn't don't known. Honestly it's just lovely to feel someone has your back, however they express it.

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Apolloneuro · 13/09/2024 19:54

That sounds a bit patronising. Sorry. Didn’t mean it to be.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:54

Apolloneuro · 13/09/2024 19:43

Well done @Notsurehowtoprocessthis for not taking umbrage at the welfare check. Lots of people do, but it’s nice to see you understand why it was done.

Ah thanks. They used to bother me at first, but after the evil of last week, it doesn't seem like a big deal in comparison, and I know I haven't done anything wrong.

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Apolloneuro · 13/09/2024 19:43

Well done @Notsurehowtoprocessthis for not taking umbrage at the welfare check. Lots of people do, but it’s nice to see you understand why it was done.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:29

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/09/2024 15:08

Do you know what would be really great? A 'helping hand for travellers' blog or thread or whatever? Covering all the natty issues that you've faced and resolved CompletedAcedProcessingThis. There were so many useful facts and tips throughout your thread.

I'm so glad that you and your daughter are safely home and also that you've been validated by your neighbours. As far as ex-fiend goes, completely blank her, say nothing at all to her - but if you're asked how your holiday was then feel free to say whatever you like.

This thread will fill up soon but congratulations to you for stepping outside your fears and really, truly, ace-ing it. Star

Ah thank you. I did think about the helping hand for travellers blog at some point as well but realised it would probably be very specific to north east France 🤣 as I wouldn't want to go anywhere else with DD until I find somewhere else really autism friendly.

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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 19:28

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_3J4-Nx5GQ/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

This popped up on my Instagram. I think I really needed to hear it today.

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_3J4-Nx5GQ

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 13/09/2024 15:08

Do you know what would be really great? A 'helping hand for travellers' blog or thread or whatever? Covering all the natty issues that you've faced and resolved CompletedAcedProcessingThis. There were so many useful facts and tips throughout your thread.

I'm so glad that you and your daughter are safely home and also that you've been validated by your neighbours. As far as ex-fiend goes, completely blank her, say nothing at all to her - but if you're asked how your holiday was then feel free to say whatever you like.

This thread will fill up soon but congratulations to you for stepping outside your fears and really, truly, ace-ing it. Star

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 15:02

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 13/09/2024 11:50

Just read your whole thread and it reminded me of when my car broke down in France and we had to come home on the train. The little one had diarrhoea and the two older ones had impetigo. We looked a right mess. The pushchair fell off the luggage rack and hit them all the head and they were all crying and sobbing. The other passengers tutted and I just felt mortified and we were all exhausted long before we go home.
Anyways, well done to you, that was epic!
I echo the scrapbook suggestion because children love looking through photographs especially if you write little explanations of what was happening with souvenir tickets and receipts. If you download the snapfish app you get 50 free pictures every month. It’s a lovely way to chat and reminisce. I do it with my little granddaughters and it’s their favourite thing.

It's horrible isn't it, the way people get huffy at you faffing, when you'd rather be doing anything but faffing! What happened to your car in the end? My ex-friend got RAC european cover, if you ever go to Europe again in a car, and apparently they fix your car, give you a replacement and put you in a hotel, if you're not close to your accomodation.

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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 14:55

Oh btw, I don't think I ever want to think about ex-friend ever again, but I will just say I re-activated an old Facebook account just now, because I wanted to see if any of the campsite staff were on its Facebook page who I didn't get to say goodbye to, and her profile popped up. I've blocked her now, but it looks like she was in Paris until Sunday morning in the end, so she must've taken the ferry which was part of the Eurocamp package and booked in my name! She must've gotten one of her adult children to post my keys through the door. She's making it look like she's had an amazing time, and written that she moved to a 'better' hotel, trying to degrade the campsite which I booked. People are commenting what an amazing mum she is, but I know the truth about how she really treats her dd. She can slate my campsite all she wants, but me and the people I met knew how great it was.

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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 13/09/2024 14:42

Thanks all! I wish I could reply to the comments one by one!

I love all the little suggestions of scrapbooks and hearing your own travel experiences. I love watching Michael Palin's travel shows as well, so it's nice to hear I'm not just imagining the difference in coming back here.

It is nice to be home now though. We've just been on the sofa all day, watching things and eating. I've had to have the heating on last night, as not used to the chillier weather yet!

I've never been so tired though, I don't think, and my brain is just mush, but I think another day or two will sort it out. We've got a little neurodiverse event to go to in town tomorrow and I'm hoping I can get myself up and sorted for it. Some stretching this evening might help me get back into the swing of things!

DD was too exhausted for school, so we're going back on Monday. One of the staff came over for a welfare check. She was fine about it though and gave dd some stickers. I said I had tried to get a doc's appointment but they were all gone when I phoned at 8.40am (which is true!) and she said she will sort out about it being authorised. I told DD to cough to show her cough, but she's got selective mutism around adults, so she refused!

I will miss writing to you all every day too! I could do a little blog or something, but I don't know what I'd write about! I still owe you all a Disney update, but I want to give it my proper time and attention as there were so many details to it. I also, don't want to start a blog and then have people think I just made up this whole story to make a blog. I could prove the drama etc and that this is true, but I don't know if making a blog, might take away from the realness of just sharing it with lovely, well wishing mumsnetters. Maybe you can all let me know what you think? It has been really cathartic to keep writing, so I'd like to keep going in some way. It might just be a bit boring now we're home and our routine is go to school, potter about, school run, dinner, bed.

I really love the suggestion about having things to look forward to, small trips etc. I had actually thought when we were sitting at Calais that it might be nice to save £5 a month or something for myself and then one day use the pot to just treat myself to a day out. Sort of like a gift to my future self in a couple of years.

The house feels so cluttered after living out of two suitcases, so I think my focus will be a huge declutter before moving.

I feel safe again now. I know I've got a bit of a debt to tackle, before I can go on any trips again, but I've got a few hundred in my savings, and enough money coming in next week for the following month. I'm just going to take every day easy for a bit and try to cook and just read, watch tv, do housework, gardening and take dd on cheap days out like soft play and I've also got a cinema pass which is pretty cheap each month. I really want to improve my French as well, I'm so inspired by France after being there and the people being so helpful and welcoming (maybe not in Calais, but it can't be all good!).

OP posts:
Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 13/09/2024 11:50

Just read your whole thread and it reminded me of when my car broke down in France and we had to come home on the train. The little one had diarrhoea and the two older ones had impetigo. We looked a right mess. The pushchair fell off the luggage rack and hit them all the head and they were all crying and sobbing. The other passengers tutted and I just felt mortified and we were all exhausted long before we go home.
Anyways, well done to you, that was epic!
I echo the scrapbook suggestion because children love looking through photographs especially if you write little explanations of what was happening with souvenir tickets and receipts. If you download the snapfish app you get 50 free pictures every month. It’s a lovely way to chat and reminisce. I do it with my little granddaughters and it’s their favourite thing.

redandyellowbits · 13/09/2024 11:42

Did your car seat make it back too? Did your campsite friend drop it off in one piece?

aphroditeflighty · 13/09/2024 11:37

Just wanted to say I'm in awe of how you handled this situation. You're a credit to yourself and your daughter, and for all the challenges and emotional turmoil, you soldiered through with a great attitude. Inspirational.
Sorry you had to learn that some people are toxic and should be kept away from at all costs. No doubt a hard lesson to learn. Most normal people do not act in the way your ex-friend did !

Fannyfiggs · 13/09/2024 11:29

Woohoo you're home 😁

I'm glad your home but also sad cos we won't hear from you every day now 😭 but remember and tell us about Disney and keep us updated if you hear from the crazy friend.

CwmYoy · 13/09/2024 10:46

Very proud of you. Flowers

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 13/09/2024 10:19

the attitude of people suddenly changed once we got to Calais and into England and people were tutting a bit at all my luggage and having DD.

I remember watching Michael Palin's travels around the world and he had a hoot of a time - until he got back to England and people were so rude he said. Sad that some people here are so miserable.

Glad you are home! Bet it was lovely snuggling into your own bed

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