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Original poster

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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8
Allthehorsesintheworld · 05/09/2024 07:24

If the ferry tickets are in your name don’t cancel them. If push comes to shove they’ll let you on as foot passengers as that’s cheaper than the car you’ve booked. Ask at the site office today as often people leave stuff in campsites that’s either sold for a few € or free to take, might get a case or bag that way. Also any large LeClerc or SuperU will sell cases and travel bags.

might also work that your friend will regroup at the end if the holiday and you can return home together.

Hope it all works out.

helpfulperson · 05/09/2024 07:17

You mentioned your friend being in receipt of DLA for her daughter - what is this for, is her daughter autistic as well or is it something else?

If her daughter was badly hurt or something that could potentially be serious for her maybe she felt you weren't caring about her problem and couldn't cope with your daughters screaming.

Howmanysleepsnow · 05/09/2024 07:17

If no resolution tomorrow, book the Disney tickets (but I suspect things will be calmer by then)
Book a train to the ferry, foot passenger tickets are cheap.
Order a suitcase off Amazon to your mobile home (I know from experience they will deliver!)

Billybagpuss · 05/09/2024 07:15

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 07:12

@Billybagpuss

I think it would help in the case of a woman stranded abroad alone - and with a child with additional needs. It’s not just a tiff.

I'd honestly like to hope so, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 07:12

@Billybagpuss

I think it would help in the case of a woman stranded abroad alone - and with a child with additional needs. It’s not just a tiff.

Everyoneesleistheproblem · 05/09/2024 07:11

I would concede your part in the initial problem, agree that spending the holiday apart works and check she doesn't mind giving you a lift home.
If she won't drive you ( and to be fair driving abroad can be stressful even without other non drivers in the car) then catch the euro star or fly. Much easier to get onward travel back in the U.K.
I'd skip Disney if you haven't got the pass or the money to fast track. She's 5,there's plenty of time. Are you worried about filling the days you have left? I know it can ge daunting and feel like hard work not holiday.

Vettrianofan · 05/09/2024 07:08

No friend would leave you stranded regardless. That's wrong. I hope this gets resolved, especially for your DD.

EdithBond · 05/09/2024 07:05

IMHO your friend is being unreasonable and sounds v stressed.

You sound v empathetic and resourceful.

I really hope you can sort this out today once your friend is calmer.

Ask her how she expects you to get home. If she really won’t take you home (totally unreasonable) then at least ask her to drive you to buy luggage - you may be able to get a cheap hold-all or backpack at a large supermarket.

If she refuses to drive you home, tell her you’ll have to change the ferry tickets (which presumably you’ve paid for too). Unless she keeps the car slot and buys you the foot passenger tickets. But don’t do that until after she’s helped you buy luggage in case she’s v vindictive.

Unless your DD will be v upset about Disney, maybe leave that, as it may all be a bit much, with the sudden changes of her friend leaving and the more stressful journey home. You could tell her it’s fully booked or something, to avoid another meltdown.

If you friend won’t drive you home without giving you a lot of help (and payment) for an alternative route, then you should consider if she is really a friend. No friend would leave you stranded in rural France with no luggage and a ND child, having used accommodation you’ve paid for.

I hope you get it sorted.

Billybagpuss · 05/09/2024 07:05

Also to all those asking about travel insurance I very much doubt it would cover travel plans disrupted due to a tiff.

Billybagpuss · 05/09/2024 07:04

WonderingWanda · 04/09/2024 23:28

Your friend is of course entitled to space but she is rather leaving you in the shit by abandoning you at the eurocamp. If she really has already headed off to Disney I think you need to make plans to travel there on your own (try and find a bus) but text her tomorrow with something like this:

"It is clear you don't understand the nature of dd's autism and meltdowns anddo appreciate that it can be a bit much so understand why you want some space However, I'm really upset that you have decided to do this by leaving us with no way of getting home and having taken our Disney tickets with you. I can't even begin to explain how disappointed and confused dd is about all of this. Are you planning to return my Disney tickets or give us a lift home? It does seem to be a rather dramatic response when we could've just looked at booking a separate caravan"

Depending on her response you could then make a plan with her or reply to explain that you will be forced to cancel her ferry ticket home to enable you and your dd to make your way home. She is a rubbish friend op.

I think this is the kindest response, maybe open with an apology for not showing more empathy towards her dd.

I really hope everyone is calmer this morning and you’re able to find a solution that doesn’t leave you stranded.

HallidayJones6779 · 05/09/2024 07:01

Fingers crossed everything is calmer this morning and your friend rethinks her plans. It would be really cruel to leave you there. For what it’s worth, you sound really lovely and I hope you and your DD enjoy the rest of your time there together no matter what happens today. Try to roll with it and turn it into an adventure (albeit a stressful one if DD struggles with certain things) for your DD’s sake. Xx

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 06:56

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis

I’ve just come back from France in the car, and used supermarket bags for life. Far easier to pack in the car than suitcases. Don’t feel bad about that.

Awful behaviour from your friend. I think she may well be different in the morning.

But if not:

  1. Get help from campsite reception, or email the campsite so you can speak to a manager. They should be able to help with transport.
  2. Otherwise - do you have travel insurance?
  3. And then : I think because you are a solo woman with a child with additional needs, you could use this contact form for help:

https://www.contact.service.csd.fcdo.gov.uk/emergency-help

Tell someone at home, and see if they can help from there too. Make sure they know where you are/where you are going and you can update them. Ask them to contact Citizens Advice in the UK.

Is it possible to leave something’s behind if you can’t get a suitcase? Leave bedding behind or throw it away? Can you extend the straps with something so you can put it over your shoulder/put everything inside it in a carrier bag in the bag so nothing falls out?

If she does go, just focus on getting home safely. Best wishes XxXx

GOV.UK - Do you need emergency help?

https://www.contact.service.csd.fcdo.gov.uk/emergency-help

MinPinSins · 05/09/2024 06:45

CrazyGoatLady · 05/09/2024 06:25

It sounds like a crappy situation for all of you.

Your friend is massively overreacting and leaving you stranded is a crappy thing to do.

However, I think you do share some of the responsibility here. Her daughter was the one who was hurt, you should have removed your daughter from the situation, not expected your friend and her daughter to leave. I can see how your friend might have seen your behaviour as uncaring towards the hurt child and concerned only with your own. Sounds like both of you have disabled kids (you mentioned her daughter's DLA) but in your narrative, only your child's disability seems to matter.

I'm autistic and have two autistic teens, when they were little I would absolutely remove them from a triggering situation, not expect other people to leave. Yes, you can't do anything about a meltdown, but you can take a younger child somewhere else to get it out of their system.

I think the situation has been poorly handled by both adults here, who are both behaving selfishly. You didn't handle your child melting down while another child was hurt very well. She massively overreacted and her "punishment" of abandoning you both in the middle of a holiday without transport doesn't fit the crime.

An apology is in order on both sides, both of you need to climb down off your high horses and talk like grown ups about how to manage the rest of the holiday.

Absolutely your friend should honour her commitment to your travel, and if she doesn't want to drive you home, should at least make (and pay for) alternative arrangements. If she doesn't do that, I'm afraid she isn't much of a friend.

Completely this. Whilst what she has done is awful, you aren't showing any empathy with the situation she was in. Given that she gets DLA for her child, it can't be that she has it easy either. You couldn't have stopped the meltdown, but you could have removed your child who was undoubtedly making her injured child more distressed.

When you speak to her about the logistics of getting home (which you should do before making any rash changes) the conversation will likely go a lot smoother if you come from a place of understanding why she found the situation challenging too.

Yes she has lashed out more than seems needed, and perhaps there was no way you could have removed your daughter, but having a conversation with understanding may dampen the conflict and help you to get home.

Oblomov24 · 05/09/2024 06:43

Whilst this is a shame, on a purely practical level it is easy to arrange all the changes, eg book transportation for you and dd.

NDmumoftwo · 05/09/2024 06:43

Sounds awful. But I don't think your friend is abandoning you. She just wants to make different plans. Text and ask what her view is on the return trip. You have a whole week to make other plans if she doesn't want to travel back together. Including getting a suitcase delivered from Amazon.

keeponandonandon · 05/09/2024 06:34

I'm wondering if your friend has just had enough, there may have been other things that you didn't notice that were annoying her throughout the holiday. Are boundaries too soft to reduce your daughter having a meltdown? I think the term meltdown is overused and often an excuse or a go to for shitty parenting & poorly behaved children (I'm not saying that's the case with you) I have a child with autism and i have never used that term because of the reasons I have mentioned and I quickly learned ways to manage my son becoming overwhelmed and dysregulated.

I am surprised you have organised Disney without the additional support they offer, if you have your diagnosis letter they may be lenient and provide you with a pass.

However, text her and apologise for how this has worked out, you don't want to fall out with her etc. Hopefully she will see sense and stop acting like this if she's still being an arse tell you you need the tickets and when you get yourself home, tell her to F off and never speak to her again.

CrazyGoatLady · 05/09/2024 06:25

It sounds like a crappy situation for all of you.

Your friend is massively overreacting and leaving you stranded is a crappy thing to do.

However, I think you do share some of the responsibility here. Her daughter was the one who was hurt, you should have removed your daughter from the situation, not expected your friend and her daughter to leave. I can see how your friend might have seen your behaviour as uncaring towards the hurt child and concerned only with your own. Sounds like both of you have disabled kids (you mentioned her daughter's DLA) but in your narrative, only your child's disability seems to matter.

I'm autistic and have two autistic teens, when they were little I would absolutely remove them from a triggering situation, not expect other people to leave. Yes, you can't do anything about a meltdown, but you can take a younger child somewhere else to get it out of their system.

I think the situation has been poorly handled by both adults here, who are both behaving selfishly. You didn't handle your child melting down while another child was hurt very well. She massively overreacted and her "punishment" of abandoning you both in the middle of a holiday without transport doesn't fit the crime.

An apology is in order on both sides, both of you need to climb down off your high horses and talk like grown ups about how to manage the rest of the holiday.

Absolutely your friend should honour her commitment to your travel, and if she doesn't want to drive you home, should at least make (and pay for) alternative arrangements. If she doesn't do that, I'm afraid she isn't much of a friend.

Cornflakes44 · 05/09/2024 06:13

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 22:21

Thanks everyone. I've got the feeling she's already booked elsewhere from the way she's worded it. She's said she's going to spend the rest of the week at Disney hotel instead as it's not working out, so sounds like she's booked it and told her DD. İ thought it would just blow over after she stormed off in a huff and that we could sort it out in the morning, but I got into bed and got that text. İn that moment I really needed so much empathy. I'd had such a beautiful day and my DD was meltdowning for over an hour in my arms and I was sat alone just trying to calm her and was getting daggers the whole time from my friend for it.

Really sorry this happened. Your friend sounds like a shit friend and a shit person. I think that would be the end of the friendship for me. I hope you manage to salvage something from the trip

Maria1979 · 05/09/2024 06:09

If your friend leaves just ask her when she will pick you up to go home. You can stay with your daughter and enjoy this holiday anyway. Why leave?

lemonmeringueno3 · 05/09/2024 06:08

I think there's a miscommunication somewhere.

From your perspective, your child had a meltdown and there was no point intervening. Your friend tried to tell your daughter off. You don't understand why your friend didn't just leave the situation if the meltdown was upsetting her. You did your own thing for the rest of the afternoon to create a bit of distance.

From her perspective, her daughter was hurt, bleeding and upset. Your daughter's meltdown was making the situation more fraught but you didn't attempt to intervene, soothe or remove. You appeared unconcerned about her daughter. You did your own thing all afternoon while she quietly seethed about your lack of concern or empathy for her daughter, self absorbed parenting choices (from her point of view) and unwillingness to stick around to talk it through. She is determined to have a nice holiday and can't risk a similar situation arising.

hepsitemiz · 05/09/2024 06:02

Mainoo72 · 04/09/2024 22:13

All sounds very dramatic. Hopefully you can both be grown ups in the morning & just get on with the holiday.

Woah… did you read the OP, Mainoo???

It’s the friend who’s being a prize dick here!

bluecomputerscreen · 05/09/2024 05:59

hopefully today looks brighter for you!

the large french supermarkets would have everything.
luggage, or a luggage cart where you could strap your bags onto.

flixbus is great.

you can get earphone headbands, if your dd can tolerate them, to listen to stories.

PinkyFlamingo · 05/09/2024 05:52

RedToothBrush · 05/09/2024 05:24

Stop referring to this person as a friend. They aren't.

To leave someone with an young child stranded in another country when you've taken the responsibility to drive them there, is beyond shitty.

This. It doesn't matter how tired she is, if she does this it's appalling

beenwhereyouare · 05/09/2024 05:51

babyproblems · 04/09/2024 22:53

Erm you need to discuss this again with your friend tomorrow.
it’s not really a big deal if you can’t go to Disney. I appreciate your daughter has autism but really you sound like you don’t have many boundaries or be in control of very much at all. The fact you didn’t bring a suitcase, or seem to have enough funds to get yourself home is worrying. What would you have done if the car broke down and you had to move your belongings another way? You’ve not thought that through. What would you have done in an emergency?? Imagine your friend was ill? It seems very risky to me to travel abroad with no contingency plans, no transport and no real plan of what you would do if things went pear shaped?? Ill be honest and say I think you sound flaky and badly organised. In your position I would speak to my friend again tomorrow. And if she doesn’t want to continue the original plans, you need to just find a way that gets you home (earlier than planned or not) and avoid Disney seeing as it’s not suitable for your daughter. I honestly think if she can’t manage queues then somewhere like Disney is not a good idea and not suitable. It doesn’t sound like you can easily manage it logistically or financially so just cut that from your (already too complicated) plans.

Wow! Are you always this kind???

Crazycatlady79 · 05/09/2024 05:47

I know all Autistic individuals are different - I'm an AuDHD Mother to 6 year old AuDHD twin girls - but I really don't see why you didn't remove your daughter from this scenario.
Your friend's young child hurt herself and then had to experience her friend's screaming reaction. No, the other Mother should not have attempted to tell your child off, but I can't imagine your laissez-faire "Leave her to.it" type of response was what your friend needed to hear in that moment. Parents who don't have Autistic children tend to not understand meltdowns and she, already frazzled and struggling before this even happened, was just a) looking out for her own daughter's well-being and b) probably could have done with YOU removing her child.
I do get how hard it can be when your child is meltdown - I have 2 to contend with - but I also look out for others, especially other children - when one or both of mine are having one their (nigh on daily) screaming meltdowns (which often include me being kicked or punched).
I rather feel you and your friend both owe one another an apology.

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