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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:20

Shes gone. She's taken my daughter's car seat out of the car and left it here too. İt's not even mine I borrowed it from someone in our home town.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 05/09/2024 08:20

Thebellofstclements · 05/09/2024 08:16

It just sounds as though your friend had had enough of sharing a caravan with you, which is fair enough. I'm sure she is still planning for you to travel back to the UK together, and I very much doubt she will steal your Disney ticket (although I'd seriously consider whether your daughter would enjoy Disney - the tranquility of the campsite may suit her better).
Enjoy the rest of the week 😊

This.Why are people insisting the OP has been ABANDONED? There's no point feeding the spiraling of this until op speaks to her friend.

Testina · 05/09/2024 08:20

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 08:15

@Testina - see my above post. And I put my advice in order : ask campsite reception first, then ask travel insurance, then get more help. I’d also want someone at home to know I was travelling - and where they could help me if needed.

I don’t disagree with speaking to someone at home. But this is really not a foreign office emergency, by any stretch.

OP already has funds and knows the route home. Rural France? With a campsite you can reach DLP from on a shuttle bus, the same DLP that’s on the train line to the capital, complete with train link back to U.K.?

If she can’t buy a suitcase or handle a suitcase and child, I’m sure that just ditching the bag completely is more of a solution than the foreign office emergency line.

It’s completely OTT to suggest the foreign office when she can already get home. They are there for actual emergencies.

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 08:17

@Testina

It’s not just a cut knee - it’s travelling across France having been abandoned, with a child who could have a meltdown in a stressful situation.

Thebellofstclements · 05/09/2024 08:16

It just sounds as though your friend had had enough of sharing a caravan with you, which is fair enough. I'm sure she is still planning for you to travel back to the UK together, and I very much doubt she will steal your Disney ticket (although I'd seriously consider whether your daughter would enjoy Disney - the tranquility of the campsite may suit her better).
Enjoy the rest of the week 😊

SlothIsma · 05/09/2024 08:16

I also think you're being way too understanding here. Regardless of what has happened, they absolutely cannot leave you stranded, that is totally ridiculous. So say you understand she wants space and ask when and where you'll meet for the journey back. Each do your own thing until then.

Don't even insinuate you can try to make your own way home because you absolutely shouldn't have to and she would be absolutely awful, selfish and insane to suggest otherwise

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 08:15

@Testina - see my above post. And I put my advice in order : ask campsite reception first, then ask travel insurance, then get more help. I’d also want someone at home to know I was travelling - and where they could help me if needed.

Testina · 05/09/2024 08:13

I did click on the link. It does cover the wellbeing of a child. Would that extend to, “my child he grazed their knee and the supermarket for plasters is a 20 minute walk, could the RAF helicopter in a medic?”
Come on, the wellbeing of a child does not include this situation where the OP already has a solution!!!!

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 08:13

@Testina

The OP described a big meltdown yesterday, and although she says her child has otherwise coped OK - I think
navigating from a rural campsite : and then transport from busy places like Paris could be tricky, plus carrying luggage. I’d say that is stressful for a child with autism - and could trigger a meltdown.

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 08:09

@Testina

It covers the well being of a child. If you click on the link.

MuggleMe · 05/09/2024 08:06

If she's booked Disney hotel and you've booked the car on the ferry, she needs to come and pick you up on the day you're supposed to go home.

sugarrosepetal · 05/09/2024 08:06

What's the situation this morning OP?

ButterCrackers · 05/09/2024 08:02

You’ve cancelled the ferry booking for your ex- friend? Have you told her this? You can easily get a train or even a cheap Ryanair flight back depending on the distance to the airport. Get a basic zip bag to put your things in.

DoreenonTill8 · 05/09/2024 08:01

Have re read and there's no actual sign that the friend IS abandoning op, just re can't share accommodation anymore.
If the dd is bleeding so much it's led to this whole situation maybe she's off getting medical attention, and like op, her current focus is making sure her dd is safe and OK?
Especially as pp have pointed out the bleeding and injured 5yo also has additional needs.

Repostersyndrome · 05/09/2024 07:55

@linelgreen that’s completely irrelevant but many schools have a string of inset days at the start of the school term.

Hollietree · 05/09/2024 07:53

Hopefully your friend will have calmed down today and realise she was massively over-reacting. If she has calmed down somewhat, maybe suggest staying together in the caravan but going off to do separate activities and meals within the camp for a few days.

If she has already booked to go stay somewhere else, then I would politely and calmly explain that you have no means of getting home, you don’t even have a suitcase, and please could she return on the last day to collect you and travel home together. If she isn’t planning on at least driving you back, abandoning you in France, then honestly she is a terrible terrible person.

I would remain civil and calm, in the hope that she plans to do the right thing for the return journey. But once you are home I would seriously reevaluate if this person remains your friend.

linelgreen · 05/09/2024 07:50

Thought all kids should be back in school now rather than on holiday

roundthepound · 05/09/2024 07:49

Hoping you wake up this morning and can reset and resolve it so you can all have a holiday Flowers

Fleetheart · 05/09/2024 07:48

She’s totally out of order! It’s hard enough dealing with an autistic daughter without friends like this. Hopefully she will calm down this morning. If not, well definitely that is the end of the friendship with her.

Testina · 05/09/2024 07:46

@Trobealone this really not a foreign office emergency support situation. The OP is already perfectly able to get home. She doesn’t need the government to airlift a suitcase to her.

As for getting someone in the U.K. to speak to Citizen’s Advice - why?!!!!

DoreenonTill8 · 05/09/2024 07:41

MinPinSins · 05/09/2024 06:45

Completely this. Whilst what she has done is awful, you aren't showing any empathy with the situation she was in. Given that she gets DLA for her child, it can't be that she has it easy either. You couldn't have stopped the meltdown, but you could have removed your child who was undoubtedly making her injured child more distressed.

When you speak to her about the logistics of getting home (which you should do before making any rash changes) the conversation will likely go a lot smoother if you come from a place of understanding why she found the situation challenging too.

Yes she has lashed out more than seems needed, and perhaps there was no way you could have removed your daughter, but having a conversation with understanding may dampen the conflict and help you to get home.

I agree with this, how much blood and how injured was her dd?

jenny38 · 05/09/2024 07:39

I can see both sides here. I am wondering if your friend and her daughter have seen melt downs previously. If not there expectations might have been different. It's not unreasonable for your friend to say its not working for her. A less dramatic action would have been to move to another caravan to gain some space.
Hopefully friend has got some sleep and perspective. Approach this calmly, get her view on travelling home, then make plans around this.

Whaleandsnail6 · 05/09/2024 07:37

For now I'd give your friend the benefit of the doubt that she was stressed that her child was injured, and whilst you helping your daughter through her meltdown was your priority, her dealing with her injured child was hers and the stress of the situation made things worse but she will calm down and realise that it was a crap situation for all involved

I'd give her a ring this morning and explain that whilst you understand if she wants to continue the holiday separately (I wouldnt even mention Disney or other plans you had together) you need to meet at 9am on Saturday or whatever to travel home. Make it clear that you expect nothing more of her from the holiday but dont even suggest you making your own way home, that wasnt the plan and you will all have to just travel home together, (even if you never speak again after that)

If she ignores your call or says she isnt willing to bring you home, then tell her you need to cancel the car ferry to rebook yourself as foot passengers.

Id be amazed if she left you and your young daughter in a foreign country...only a really crappy person would do that so hopefully she will cool down and you can work it out

user1492757084 · 05/09/2024 07:33

Apologise in the morning and have a gentle talk about your situation when the girls are calmly playing after breakfast.
Point out to your friend how reliant you are on her for transport.
Accept that you might not share accommodation nor every meal time or day time activiy but that you need to have her commitment not to abandon you in a foreign country.

You will work things out. You will not spend every waking moment sharing the holiday but it will be fine.

Don't agree to going on holidays with other families again.

Tiredofallthis101 · 05/09/2024 07:25

I think solution is friend just needs to drive yoy home. Speak to her and find out whether that is her plan or not. Explain that you can't carry your bags and it will cost you a fortune to book new transport. I'd forget Disney and just stick with staying at the campsite and chilling out.

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