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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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8
Ghilliegums · 05/09/2024 08:45

Please telephone your friend and speak to her in person, clarifying how you are getting home before you arrange anything else.

Sinisterdexter · 05/09/2024 08:42

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:33

İts absolutely pouring with rain today. Me and dd are just sitting on phones in the bedroom.

I don't know how to process all of this about the car seat...that's definitely a strong signal that we aren't getting a lift home.

I just feel a bit heartbroken. I don't think I'll say anything to her as she does love drama a bit and I don't want to give her the satisfaction. I might see if I can courier my stuff home. I'm absolutely petrified of flying, hence doing a holiday close to home, and by the time I go into Paris and get the train to CDG I might as well be on a train en route to Calais, I think. I just wanted a holiday to be away from admin for a bit. We won't go to Disney, it'll be too much without a queue jump pass.

Get on fb and ask for help on Ladies in France Together.
we’re all over France.
Someone will have good advice and may get you to a train station.

QueenHilda · 05/09/2024 08:42

Definitely check with her re. a lift home.

If she says she’s not coming for you, cancel the ferry.

A courier sounds the best option for your stuff, but check the price. It may be cheaper to buy a new car seat, pillows etc.

Ask in Eurocamp reception for help obtaining a suitcase.

Good luck x

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 05/09/2024 08:39

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:20

Shes gone. She's taken my daughter's car seat out of the car and left it here too. İt's not even mine I borrowed it from someone in our home town.

Last i did eyrocamp and the like there was a contact on site. Speak to them today and explain the situation. They may have an idea on how to help. Also may have lost property with a bag or something in Or allow you to order from french amazon to the site to get a case.

I'd also see if there are any friendly families staying on site. If i was there and heard this i'd happily take you to find a suitcase/drive you to the station or similar. Tbh if i had the space and i was heading that way i'd probably offer to give you a lift back to U.K. People can be very kind and understanding. They can also be arseholes. But its worth giving them a chance.

Car seat wise contact the person who you borrowed it from. If its old they may be happy qith you leaving it or it may be An addiitonal cost but you could replace like for like on your return. If you're training the whole way you won't want to be taking it with you.

As for the friend. She's not a friend. Get some boundaries and don't make any excuses for her. This is unforgivable behaviour.

Ghilliegums · 05/09/2024 08:39

As tbh she may be planning to take you home anyway especially after she's had some sleep and calmed down. She probably thought you might need the car seat.

Or she's literally left you and your dd in France which is a bit insane!

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 05/09/2024 08:38

Also, I wonder if you could ask Reception to see if there's anything to be done about the queue pass? We went this year- our first family holiday abroad and both of our kids qualify for them, though my partner sorted that bit out. Given that you have been left in the lurch and your daughter does have ASD, you are entitled to one.

DogInATent · 05/09/2024 08:37

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis
Can you drive? and if you can, do you have your driving license with you?
If you can, and do, then look into hiring a car with a drop-off at Calais where you can travel on to the UK as a foot passenger.

Ghilliegums · 05/09/2024 08:37

Have you asked your friend if she can give you a lift home?

MSLRT · 05/09/2024 08:36

What an absolute awful cow of a friend. I am so sorry for you and your daughter. Cancel the ferry. Why should you make life easier for her.

DrBlackbird · 05/09/2024 08:36

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:20

Shes gone. She's taken my daughter's car seat out of the car and left it here too. İt's not even mine I borrowed it from someone in our home town.

So much for all the posters wanting to give the ‘friend’ the benefit of the doubt etc. She sounds absolutely horrendous to do this to you OP. Beyond comprehension that she could drive away knowing that you have no transport with a 5 yr old DD with additional needs. And leaving the car seat?!

Did you talk with her before she left? If not, I would still text her along the lines of what someone previously suggested asking if she’s coming back to drive you all home. She needs to tell you in order for you to make your plans.

Hopefully there are other children for your DD to play with at the camp. Otherwise you will have to be your DDs playmate and have fun the two of you. It will be hard for your DD to process but you being positive will help.

Not sure what to say about your transport problems for getting home. Now with a car seat. Hopefully some lovely Mumsnetters with knowledge of France will come along with further advice. MN can be such a wonderful place when people come to offer help.

Ignore the few others who seem to take pleasure in kicking someone when they’re down.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 05/09/2024 08:35

Can you go and speak to the staff at Reception? They may be able to help.

I honestly cannot believe your 'friend' is putting you both through this. Yes, it can be a bit much witnessing a meltdown if you don't understand what is going on, and it can be stressful being in close proximity to people you don't normally live with for a week- but even so, she should have offered to meet up for Disney and the trip home.

Anyway, I do hope you are able to navigate this and salvage a day or two for you & your daughter so you have some nice memories of the trip.

jenny38 · 05/09/2024 08:34

Absolutely disgusting behaviour on her part.
Op I would contact her to confirm she is not brining you home then cancel ferry as per above.
Book flights and book special assistance for your daughter, to avoid queues. Go to disney- you have free tickets- but don't stay all day. At 5 your daughter won't realise you have missed bits.
You can do this

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:33

İts absolutely pouring with rain today. Me and dd are just sitting on phones in the bedroom.

I don't know how to process all of this about the car seat...that's definitely a strong signal that we aren't getting a lift home.

I just feel a bit heartbroken. I don't think I'll say anything to her as she does love drama a bit and I don't want to give her the satisfaction. I might see if I can courier my stuff home. I'm absolutely petrified of flying, hence doing a holiday close to home, and by the time I go into Paris and get the train to CDG I might as well be on a train en route to Calais, I think. I just wanted a holiday to be away from admin for a bit. We won't go to Disney, it'll be too much without a queue jump pass.

OP posts:
southpawsofthenorth · 05/09/2024 08:32

PS: your friend sounds a bit of an arsehole

Agree. Being angry in the heat of the moment is one thing but she’s just being a dick now.

Usou · 05/09/2024 08:30

Even thetrainline.com will offer connecting trains and tickets from your nearest station back to blighty, and SNCF also have a very good website with English.

It might be a day's solid travel, but it's doable, and you may be able to avoid Paris (with carseat).

Enjoy your remaining time, tell DD you're going on an exciting train journey, and don't panic - you'll manage.

PS: your friend sounds a bit of an arsehole.

DoreenonTill8 · 05/09/2024 08:29

XiCi · 05/09/2024 08:25

I absolutely would do all of this. Sorry you're in this situation OP. Sounds a nightmare. Can't believe a friend would leave someone in a situation like that

If the friend has abandoned op for what she reports isn't a very big thing, I would also be very very worried about her mental health.
Surely to have this reported level of what I'm assuming is very out of character behaviour, otherwise why go on holiday?

Testina · 05/09/2024 08:27

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:20

Shes gone. She's taken my daughter's car seat out of the car and left it here too. İt's not even mine I borrowed it from someone in our home town.

That’s awful! Hopefully the person who leant it will tell you not to worry about it. I expect posting it back would cost more than replacing it!

I expect the site has other Brits - does it have a fb page? Could you post asking if anyone lives near <your town> who has space in their car to bring it to the U.K.? I’d volunteer. People don’t like to get caught in drama so I’d avoid sharing the real details. “Friend had to leave early due to family emergency and we’re now going by train. But in the rush to get away, left car seat out when repacking” type explanation?

CormorantStrikesBack · 05/09/2024 08:25

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:20

Shes gone. She's taken my daughter's car seat out of the car and left it here too. İt's not even mine I borrowed it from someone in our home town.

Wow. Has she said whether or not she will come and pick you up and take you home or has she just abandoned you permanently?

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 08:25

@Testina

Which is why I put it as a last resort, but the contact details are there. I’m sorry - but I’ve recently been to a rural campsite in France. If there was no bus for any reason (things do tend to shut down/sporadic services on a Sunday/Monday) - or got stuck, I’d have had to walk a good 10k to the nearest town. There’s a language barrier, Paris is VERY busy - I’d want a safety net if I was travelling with an autistic child. I’d want to know what I could do in an emergency.

XiCi · 05/09/2024 08:25

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/09/2024 08:21

Speak to your friend today. Hopefully she will have had time to regroup and realise she over reacted. If she insists on staying in the hotel at Disney, that’s fine but I would ask her what time she is coming to pick you up for the journey home. Her answer to that will lead you to the next bit. If she says she is not, then I would reiterate the agreed plans, and that if she is not going to keep to her half of the bargain, then you would like her to transfer her half of the accommodation costs, and return your Disney tickets. I would then cancel the transport back for you all and sort my self out. I would buy a cheap suitcase and fly back easy jet go from CDG.

I absolutely would do all of this. Sorry you're in this situation OP. Sounds a nightmare. Can't believe a friend would leave someone in a situation like that

sugarrosepetal · 05/09/2024 08:24

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/09/2024 08:21

Speak to your friend today. Hopefully she will have had time to regroup and realise she over reacted. If she insists on staying in the hotel at Disney, that’s fine but I would ask her what time she is coming to pick you up for the journey home. Her answer to that will lead you to the next bit. If she says she is not, then I would reiterate the agreed plans, and that if she is not going to keep to her half of the bargain, then you would like her to transfer her half of the accommodation costs, and return your Disney tickets. I would then cancel the transport back for you all and sort my self out. I would buy a cheap suitcase and fly back easy jet go from CDG.

Definitely do this. I can't believe she's left the car seat and left you completely in the lurch. If she doesn't come back to travel home with you, I'd be ending the friendship. (I'd still be looking at this regardless due to the way she's treated you and your daughter, both financially and emotionally).

Newlittlerescue · 05/09/2024 08:24

Nothing to add to @MrsElijahMikaelson1 excellent post above. You are assuming your friend is not going to bring you home, but she'd have to be a pretty awful person to do that. Message her about her plans.

GlassRat · 05/09/2024 08:23

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:20

Shes gone. She's taken my daughter's car seat out of the car and left it here too. İt's not even mine I borrowed it from someone in our home town.

She's really horrible for doing this. Leaving your DD with a long and complicated journey home. I'm sorry OP.

Testina · 05/09/2024 08:23

Trobealone · 05/09/2024 08:17

@Testina

It’s not just a cut knee - it’s travelling across France having been abandoned, with a child who could have a meltdown in a stressful situation.

The cut knee is my example of something that you can definitely call “the wellbeing of a child” but which doesn’t reach re threshold for the government to step in!

Yes, her child could have a meltdown. What do you think the foreign office should do? Lay on a private jet home? What would you expect them to do beyond confirm that she’s a thoroughly competent adult who has already researched the route home alone, and can afford it?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/09/2024 08:21

Speak to your friend today. Hopefully she will have had time to regroup and realise she over reacted. If she insists on staying in the hotel at Disney, that’s fine but I would ask her what time she is coming to pick you up for the journey home. Her answer to that will lead you to the next bit. If she says she is not, then I would reiterate the agreed plans, and that if she is not going to keep to her half of the bargain, then you would like her to transfer her half of the accommodation costs, and return your Disney tickets. I would then cancel the transport back for you all and sort my self out. I would buy a cheap suitcase and fly back easy jet go from CDG.

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