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Original poster

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. Ä°f she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. Ä°f she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. Ä°n fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. Ä°t's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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Ardrahan · 05/09/2024 11:58

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 11:47

Just tried to cancel the ferry or change to foot passenger and they won't let me. I'm just going to have to let it all go. I'll see how dd feels about Disney on Sunday or tomorrow and if she's used the tickets I'll pay for my own.

Our children go to the same school and I'm about to move to a road which backs onto ex friend's road. The move has nothing to do with our friendship, it's just a coincidence. We've other things intertwined like members of similar community organisation etc. I'm sure if I tried to tell people what happened, she would twist it. People think she's a lovely angel, I did too. She's already painted someone I know, to me in a bad light recently, which I'm now thinking might not be as bad as she was making out.

Well, you’re the only one on here who knows your friend, OP, and you clearly liked her enough to go on holiday with her, not just once but twice, both times sharing small spaces, and she was clearly OK with your daughter’s autism-related behaviours in the past. Only you will be able to judge whether you misjudged her, and she’s been a dreadful human being all along, or whether the ‘struggles’ you describe in your first post (not sleeping, struggling with her own daughter, a ‘disconnect’ from her child), have caused some kind of aberration or breakdown, and your DD’s meltdown was the last straw and she flipped.

I’m not suggesting this for a moment excuses abandoning a non-driver with no luggage and an autistic child who can’t walk far in rural France, only that only you can make a guess at what may actually be going on to explain what she’s done, and whether she’s likely to phone tomorrow, apologise and explain.

I appreciate it doesn’t help your situation practically to know whether she’s swanning round Disney or crying hysterically in a hotel room, but it might help you think about whether it’s worth calling her to try and figure out if there’s any likelihood you can travel home as planned.

Sparklfairy · 05/09/2024 11:58

halava · 05/09/2024 11:51

There must be some way of the ferry company voiding the tickets, even if they won't refund you?

I am not doubting you OP, but I'd have thought they could. Anyway, I am in awe of your resourcefulness, calm and resilience. Your daughter has a brilliant Mum.

I'd be reporting the ferry tickets to the company as stolen tbh. What an absolute cow. There's no way she'd be swanning off leaving me stranded in a foreign country and getting away with it lightly. I'd at least make life difficult for her, or try to.

RB68 · 05/09/2024 11:57

hmmm I am off the mind to text her and tell her the Disney tickets are cancelled as is the Ferry so if she needs to use those she will need to rebook. Bit like her leaving the car seat - disgraceful behaviour from her all round.

with regard to belongings and so on and new bags etc - I would weigh up the costs of bags or new stuff when home - and maybe ditch some belongings rather than buy new bags as 1. less to carry and 2. new stuff when home which might be something for DD to look forward to.

I would also contact friend who loaned the car seat and explain the situation to her and see if you can ditch that as well, for e.g. if its just a booster seat might it be cheaper to replace it for her etc.

I would also be telling all and sundry that she abandoned you in the middle of nowhere in France.

Couldyounot · 05/09/2024 11:56

I cannot imagine ever leaving anyone stranded abroad no matter how much they might have annoyed me. Your not-friend is a dreadful human being. Let's hope her car doesn't blow its engine on the way back to the ferry port, eh? It would be fitting

ifIwerenotanandroid · 05/09/2024 11:56

This is not a criticism, OP, just something I don't understand. You said:

'Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport.'

So how have you ended up paying for the ferry? Why didn't your friend book it?

schloss · 05/09/2024 11:55

For those of you who are saying cancel the ferry, you are also saying it is not acceptable for the friend to leave the OP to travel back to the UK by herself (even though it is not 100% certain this is the case), but it is ok to encourage the OP to cancel the ferry, leaving the friend and her daughter to then have to sort out travel arrangements back. Two wrongs do not make a right.

murasaki · 05/09/2024 11:54

I'm surprised they won't cancel, as they could resell. Seems mad.

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 11:54

Are you the lead passenger, OP? I might be mistaken but I thought the lead passenger had to travel to use the booking.

Original poster
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 11:52

halava · 05/09/2024 11:51

There must be some way of the ferry company voiding the tickets, even if they won't refund you?

I am not doubting you OP, but I'd have thought they could. Anyway, I am in awe of your resourcefulness, calm and resilience. Your daughter has a brilliant Mum.

I asked, but they won't cancel it. I even told the woman eventually what had happened and she agreed it was out of order but couldn't help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 11:51

Ä° feel a bit better about the trip home knowing I can buy a suitcase from the next town over, it's just going to cost a lot all in all, and I'm going to probably be living on beans on toast for a while after this as that's my emergency money and a bit more, wiped after that. I'm a bit better now, just heartbroken and mentally exhausted from it and want to lie in bed today but dd wants to go to the swimming pool even though it's cold and wet. Haha.

I honestly haven't done anything wrong, to the pp who suggested I apologise. All I did was hug my DD and tend to her and focus on her and quietly and calmly and gently say that I couldn't make her stop screaming and that she was having a meltdown when my ex friend came over aggressively kicking off about it.

OP posts:
halava · 05/09/2024 11:51

There must be some way of the ferry company voiding the tickets, even if they won't refund you?

I am not doubting you OP, but I'd have thought they could. Anyway, I am in awe of your resourcefulness, calm and resilience. Your daughter has a brilliant Mum.

Original poster
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 11:47

Just tried to cancel the ferry or change to foot passenger and they won't let me. I'm just going to have to let it all go. I'll see how dd feels about Disney on Sunday or tomorrow and if she's used the tickets I'll pay for my own.

Our children go to the same school and I'm about to move to a road which backs onto ex friend's road. The move has nothing to do with our friendship, it's just a coincidence. We've other things intertwined like members of similar community organisation etc. I'm sure if I tried to tell people what happened, she would twist it. People think she's a lovely angel, I did too. She's already painted someone I know, to me in a bad light recently, which I'm now thinking might not be as bad as she was making out.

OP posts:
longdistanceclaraclara · 05/09/2024 11:45

Definitley cancel the ferry!

I'd ask recommend getting a backpack instead of a suitcase if you only had the equivalent of a bag for life amount of stuff. Will be much easier on public transport.

apprenticeison · 05/09/2024 11:45

Just another idea: there are web sites where people advertise drives to share - may not be appropriate with your DC but just in case - might be cheaper and more convenient if you can find something not too far away.
There are several sites, here's one:
https://www.blablacar.co.uk/search?fn=Paris%2C%20France&tn=Dover%2C%20UK&db=2024-09-13&seats=2&search_origin=SEARCH&transport_type=carpooling&from_place_id=eyJpIjoiQ2hJSkQ3ZmlCaDl1NWtjUllKU01hTU9DQ3dRIiwicCI6MSwidiI6MSwidCI6WzRdfQ%3D%3D&to_place_id=eyJpIjoiQ2hJSl96SXpWZEdrM2tjUlVValhXb2RjZURJIiwicCI6MSwidiI6MSwidCI6WzRdfQ%3D%3D

Also do check flixbus etc - since they go on the ferry the actual bus drive is not that long and it's way cheaper than the eurostar.

murasaki · 05/09/2024 11:43

Another vote for cancel the ferry.

On a lighthearted note, maybe this will become the new cancel the cheque 😄

You've got this, you are resourceful and can do it. Try to enjoy the time you have left on your holiday.

85isalive · 05/09/2024 11:43

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis

I am not sure if others have suggested it - but a company like mybaggage.com might be handy - if you can get a big box from reception, pack up all your clothes and bedding into it. The car seat could go alongside it, maybe in a bin bag to keep it clean.

It will be pricey, but it will save you trying to cart things around with you, and you and DD will only need to carry small bags.

Fastback · 05/09/2024 11:42

Jesus. She is a shockingly awful human being. Cancel the ferry. Leave cunt stranded. (Sorry, I know that’s strong language but honestly…)

Smittenkitchen · 05/09/2024 11:42

Unforgivable behaviour from your friend imo. Best wishes to you in making the best if the rest of your trip and getting home without difficulty.

itsjustbiology · 05/09/2024 11:39

Another thought OP don;t know if this will help but if you are not able to navigate your way home confidently then please reach out for help. The British Embassy and consulate services are there to help, they are in Paris . I am sure they can advise and help you plan a clear route back home. I know when things go wrong its hard to think clearly especially when you also have added responsibilities of having a child with additional needs who you are caring for. A friendly voice who can just be there and help sort you out is worth its weight in gold. Google them if your struggling and ring and ask them for help if needed.

RampantIvy · 05/09/2024 11:38

I don't think I have been as shocked by such despicable behaviour as your ex friend has displayed.

You sound absolutely brilliant and I Hooe you can salvage something of your holiday from this.

I know that cancelling the ferry and Disney tickets is petty revenge, but I would do it in a heartbeat.

Good luck for a safe and uneventful journey home.

Codlingmoths · 05/09/2024 11:37

Amazon prime is a good idea for suitcase! 100% cancel that ferry what a total asshole she is stranding you and your 5yo. She would be dead to me. Message her and say if I get to Disney land and you’ve used my ticket I will tell everyone I know you dumped the car seat and abandoned me and my 5yo at a caravan park in France.

ButterCrackers · 05/09/2024 11:37

As your friend paid for the ferry you won’t be cancel it. She might have left the car seat in case you needed it to travel by car.

MollyButton · 05/09/2024 11:36

She sounds awful!

You are well out of it despite the stress. The only way now is up.
Do check with your DD if she really wants to do paralympics or Disney, as she could be saying yes because that's what she thinks you want.

And good luck Flowers

AuCo44 · 05/09/2024 11:31

What a horrible woman, fancy abandoning you just because of your daughter's meltdown. She's obviously uneducated about autism. as well as being mean-spirited and unkind.

I hope you manage to salvage some of the holiday. If you can cancel the ferry, do it.

As for the 'friend' - consign her to the bin.

sandyhappypeople · 05/09/2024 11:31

If you're going to be travelling by eurostar book it now OP, It seems the closer you are to the travel date the more expensive it becomes and that rolls on day by day, you could always book a cheap B&B near the station in paris one night to get a cheap early morning fare.

It sounds like you aren't coming home till next week so don't worry about making extra journeys right this second to find luggage, take your time and try and work it into one of your existing journeys, if you're going back and forth to paris you should be able to find something along the way.

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