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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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8
Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 15:23

IAmTooOldFor · 05/09/2024 14:38

I get that you’re having a hard time of it and needed to put your daughter first but I don’t think you’re practicing what you preach when it comes to empathy. Your friend’s child was injured badly enough for the blood to scare your child, and friend’s child also is entitled to DLA so presumably has her own disability. So on top of her own injury and disability, the other little girl was almost certainly struggling to cope with your daughter’s meltdown with you all in a confined space. Have I got this wrong? You could have physically removed yourself and your daughter from the caravan until she had calmed down. As you didn’t think to do this I don’t blame the other mum for putting her daughter’s needs first and removing themselves from your (and DDs) company. All that said I hope you get home safely but you are not by any means blameless in creating your current situation.

We weren't in the caravan I was sitting at a table by the pool with my DD. Her dd kept coming over whilst my DD was screaming her head off then crying and running off to her mum, who instead of removing her from the situation, kept saying how out of order my DD was for screaming and they kept coming back over and saying how unfair it was that she was screaming whilst her dd was upset. Her DLA disability is slightly partial hearing difficulties. She's actually using her adult daughters pip to apply for the queue jump, who isn't here. She stubbed her toe and there was a tiny bit of blood, like a speck but it was enough to freak my DD out who has a phobia of blood.

OP posts:
TuVuoiFaLamericano · 05/09/2024 15:23

Op I'm really sorry. Your "friend" is no friend
What a horrible human being.

afrikat · 05/09/2024 15:21

Smartish · 05/09/2024 14:59

Yes I think so, i went 3 months ago and it was very clear we needed evidence from the list on the website (dla, access card, disability id etc) and that a doctors letter would not be sufficient.

Ah thanks

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 05/09/2024 15:17

Inthedeep · 05/09/2024 14:06

There is a huge shopping centre near Disney called Val D’Europe, they have a Primark, it may sell suitcases. Alternatively they have a huge Auchan (Supermarket) which definitely will sell them. Alternatively order one on French Amazon and ask reception if you can have it delivered to them.

I was just coming on here to say this, but I couldn't remember the name of it. There was also another shop in there that sold suitcases and travel bags and they seemed a reasonable price

babyhighlandcow · 05/09/2024 15:14

Ponderingwindow · 05/09/2024 15:11

We found at Disney that if we were flexible with what we rode, we could often find short queues. Your dd is young, she will probably be thrilled with some of the tamer, older rides that often get overlooked. If we saw something with a short queue as we walked by, we got in line. Dd and I both have ASD and I’ve got a bad back so standing is hard. We still did a few of the big attractions, but I think we did Small World in Orlando 3 times because dd loved it and the queue was short.

Omg, did you wear noise cancelling headphones then? 😂

We always do Haunted Mansion first for some reason.

Ardrahan · 05/09/2024 15:13

Smartish · 05/09/2024 14:40

OP has explained that they weren’t in the caravan when this happened, they were out in a public space.

Yes, but she does also say elsewhere that her daughter was melting down in her arms for an hour, and that her friend was ‘giving her daggers’ the whole time, which suggests the friend was present throughout?

It’s not really clear to me what happened in between the other child’s injury/ the meltdown, and the text message from the friend saying that she was moving to a hotel, which the OP says she received when she had just got into bed.

But she also keeps referring to ‘the room’, which suggests they were sharing a room in their accommodation, which may well have been a lot, especially if there are two five year olds, one with autism, and one who receives DLA, and a mother who is struggling.

Though I can’t see how they wouldn’t have actually talked rather than texted if they were sharing a room or other tiny space, or how the friend and her daughter could have left without the OP being aware?

IAmTooOldFor · 05/09/2024 15:13

Smartish · 05/09/2024 14:40

OP has explained that they weren’t in the caravan when this happened, they were out in a public space.

Sorry, I thought I’d read all of OPs posts but missed this info.

Ponderingwindow · 05/09/2024 15:11

We found at Disney that if we were flexible with what we rode, we could often find short queues. Your dd is young, she will probably be thrilled with some of the tamer, older rides that often get overlooked. If we saw something with a short queue as we walked by, we got in line. Dd and I both have ASD and I’ve got a bad back so standing is hard. We still did a few of the big attractions, but I think we did Small World in Orlando 3 times because dd loved it and the queue was short.

SensorySensai · 05/09/2024 15:08

Smartish · 05/09/2024 14:59

Yes I think so, i went 3 months ago and it was very clear we needed evidence from the list on the website (dla, access card, disability id etc) and that a doctors letter would not be sufficient.

I agree - you won't get a pass now without the specific documents they allow (DLA letter or Access Card I believe).

I wouldn't bother with Disney, OP. It's overwhelming at the best of times, let alone in your circumstances and with a DD with autism. I'd just get going (today) and quietly make your way back home. Stop an overnight here and there along the way if you have to, but get going. You could be home this time tomorrow.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 05/09/2024 15:02

ilovesushi · 05/09/2024 14:34

Sure you have got lots of good advice already, but I would be tempted to follow the simplest options possible for your own sanity and your DD's needs. Do you need to bring everything back with you? Can you just bring essentials back? If you are enjoying the campsite, I'd maybe just chill there rather than face an uncertain/ expensive journey and stay at Disney. I don't know what you do about the car seat. Maybe message the friends that lent it. It might be that it was just cluttering up the garage and they don't need or want it anymore. Try and enjoy the rest of your holiday. Your friend is clearly dealing with her own issues and is not able to be a good friend to you at the moment - or maybe is revealing her true colours x

Seems a good idea to find out if you actually need to lug a car seat with you all the way home. Also, this gets your story going back in Blighty before your friend gets back & comes up with something to cover up her actions.

It depends if you might need it at some point on the journey back, though. Is it at all likely that the friend will suddenly reappear & offer to drive you back?

ChickenandaCanofCoke · 05/09/2024 15:00

Amazon for the suitcase?

Smartish · 05/09/2024 14:59

afrikat · 05/09/2024 14:57

Is this a fairly new requirement? I went 2 years ago and didn't need anything but am aware things have changed

Yes I think so, i went 3 months ago and it was very clear we needed evidence from the list on the website (dla, access card, disability id etc) and that a doctors letter would not be sufficient.

afrikat · 05/09/2024 14:57

Smartish · 05/09/2024 14:01

Sorry to be negative but they are extremely strict about passes and you have to have the evidence from a list of options on their website.

Is this a fairly new requirement? I went 2 years ago and didn't need anything but am aware things have changed

vix3rd · 05/09/2024 14:45

Just FYI you can get a bus from disney direct to Vallee d'Europ - There's a primark there and and big supermarket so you might get a suitcase there.
I'd say for disney go and spend a couple of hours in the disney village - from the sounds of it your daughter would be happy & there is stuff to do & shops to go into.
In france I use my apple maps and you can choose what form of transport you want ie bus or train. So easy.

babyhighlandcow · 05/09/2024 14:40

I’d actually love to hear the friends side of this. There has to be more to it.

Smartish · 05/09/2024 14:40

IAmTooOldFor · 05/09/2024 14:38

I get that you’re having a hard time of it and needed to put your daughter first but I don’t think you’re practicing what you preach when it comes to empathy. Your friend’s child was injured badly enough for the blood to scare your child, and friend’s child also is entitled to DLA so presumably has her own disability. So on top of her own injury and disability, the other little girl was almost certainly struggling to cope with your daughter’s meltdown with you all in a confined space. Have I got this wrong? You could have physically removed yourself and your daughter from the caravan until she had calmed down. As you didn’t think to do this I don’t blame the other mum for putting her daughter’s needs first and removing themselves from your (and DDs) company. All that said I hope you get home safely but you are not by any means blameless in creating your current situation.

OP has explained that they weren’t in the caravan when this happened, they were out in a public space.

IAmTooOldFor · 05/09/2024 14:38

I get that you’re having a hard time of it and needed to put your daughter first but I don’t think you’re practicing what you preach when it comes to empathy. Your friend’s child was injured badly enough for the blood to scare your child, and friend’s child also is entitled to DLA so presumably has her own disability. So on top of her own injury and disability, the other little girl was almost certainly struggling to cope with your daughter’s meltdown with you all in a confined space. Have I got this wrong? You could have physically removed yourself and your daughter from the caravan until she had calmed down. As you didn’t think to do this I don’t blame the other mum for putting her daughter’s needs first and removing themselves from your (and DDs) company. All that said I hope you get home safely but you are not by any means blameless in creating your current situation.

Billybagpuss · 05/09/2024 14:37

Make sure you tell dad gently before school starts again, if they are at school together it will slip out.

ilovesushi · 05/09/2024 14:34

Sure you have got lots of good advice already, but I would be tempted to follow the simplest options possible for your own sanity and your DD's needs. Do you need to bring everything back with you? Can you just bring essentials back? If you are enjoying the campsite, I'd maybe just chill there rather than face an uncertain/ expensive journey and stay at Disney. I don't know what you do about the car seat. Maybe message the friends that lent it. It might be that it was just cluttering up the garage and they don't need or want it anymore. Try and enjoy the rest of your holiday. Your friend is clearly dealing with her own issues and is not able to be a good friend to you at the moment - or maybe is revealing her true colours x

Jellyslothbridge · 05/09/2024 14:34

You can enjoy a day at disneyland without going on any rides and it sounds like you are near and may be able to use the tickets ( you will find out if friend has ignored your request not to use tickets)

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 05/09/2024 14:31

Unfortunately that is pretty common for lots of autistic children. Have a look at all the huge swathes of support available for autistic children like access to CAMHS etc.
It is fairly abysmal.

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 05/09/2024 14:29

My DD was talking about self harm she was so overwhelmed by it all

Your 5 year old was talking about self harm?? What? Well, that knocks everything else into a cocked hat - what will you do long-term about this?

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 05/09/2024 14:27

Amazon will deliver a suitcase by Saturday I am sure

lavenderlou · 05/09/2024 14:23

Or try BlaBla car

lavenderlou · 05/09/2024 14:21

Flixbus has an overnight coach available Monday night from Disneyland Paris to London which would be cheaper than the Eurostar.