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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 06/09/2024 13:59

Crikeyalmighty · 06/09/2024 13:21

Also OP - don't go on holiday again with anyone with drama llama tendencies. Sometimes drama llama people are ok for a coffee with , an odd glass of wine out or a play date but rubbish at anything more than that and turn into inconsiderate nobs

Thank you....I think I've definitely learned a strong lesson here. I really need consistency and although my ex friend had an amazing sense of humour, I've realised maybe a bit boring and more consistent is much better for me and my daughter in the long run.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 06/09/2024 13:21

Also OP - don't go on holiday again with anyone with drama llama tendencies. Sometimes drama llama people are ok for a coffee with , an odd glass of wine out or a play date but rubbish at anything more than that and turn into inconsiderate nobs

Scarlettpixie · 06/09/2024 12:52

I haven’t read all the replies but wonder would it be cheaper to buy return tickets on the eurostar? I don’t know how it works coming from France but many years ago we travelled to Europe from London by Eurostar and flew home. The return tickets were cheaper than singles and we just didn’t use the return.

Baystar · 06/09/2024 11:29

Appalling behaviour your 'friend' has shown towards you both. Hoping you are managing to enjoy some downtime with your little one and that your return travel arrangements come together and you get home safely. Stay strong 💪 xx

pikkumyy77 · 06/09/2024 11:18

Daltonbear1 · 06/09/2024 06:48

I asked you earlier but have you actually tried to call her as you haven’t said that did you call her at all when she left to see if she would come back as I have not seen you mentioned this. As she may have needed own space and calmed down not saying what she did was right but still have you messaged or called her as not seen that you have

Oh stop.

Thisoldheartofmine · 06/09/2024 11:12

Hats off too for your calmness and response to it all. Your DD is probably too young to understand it all as a lesson but you've shown amazing resilience.
^this x1000

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 06/09/2024 11:00

I think you have a good mindset @Notsurehowtoprocessthis and steering clear of your 'friend' even though she's behaved appalling in deliberately stranding you (truly shitty). Perhaps reframing your homeward journey as a bit interesting and an adventure for you and your DD will help both here and now and also if you are asked about it in future.

Hats off too for your calmness and response to it all. Your DD is probably too young to understand it all as a lesson but you've shown amazing resilience.

readysteadynono · 06/09/2024 10:30

Crisis, not virus

readysteadynono · 06/09/2024 10:30

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:20

Shes gone. She's taken my daughter's car seat out of the car and left it here too. İt's not even mine I borrowed it from someone in our home town.

Appalling behaviour. The kindest thing you can think is that she is having some sort of mental health virus is and is behaving irrationally. Regardless this isn’t on you. Try not to ruminate and focus on getting home safely.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 06/09/2024 09:53

Hiya sorry for not replying to the backpack comment. There's been so many comments it's hard to respond to every suggestion. I have joint hypermobility and it's worse in my upper body and shoulders, especially since having a little one. I wouldn't be able to have a heavy backpack on my back, I'd need a suitcase to wheel along as it's easier on my joints. I've done backpacking once for a day with a backpack before I had my DD and I tore muscles in my shoulder as my joints aren't stable enough to hold a heavy backpack for that long. I don't want to contact my friend to add fuel to the fire, she's made it clear with the car seat action and not replying to my last text. She also purposefully left something behind which I gifted to her daughter, and left some rubbish and didn't clean her room of crumbs on the floor, even though the booking gets charged to my credit card of any cleaning gets forgotten.

She also loves seeing people she's fallen out with struggling, so I don't want to give her the satisfaction of thinking I'm stressing and stranded. I just don't want that energy around me any more, I don't think the drama is good for me or DD so I'd rather just be a couple of hundred quid down and see it as payment for peace of mind.

Anyway, i checked amazon.fr and there weren't any suitcases which would arrive in time, unless I bought a small one, and it was taking ages scrolling through, so I'll just pop to the supermarket later today or take the guests offer of a lift up there, if they're around. I've managed to pack my stuff a lot more compact this time, so of I left behind all my bedding and towels I might be able to get away with one bag for life and my daughter's school rucksack.

OP posts:
Thisoldheartofmine · 06/09/2024 09:13

#bringnotsurehowtoprocessthishomenow

RampantIvy · 06/09/2024 09:01

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis if you were my daughter I would be booking my car on to a ferry to come and bring you home. I hope you manage to salvage something out of this holiday and get home safely.

Thisoldheartofmine · 06/09/2024 08:59

Reading the OP's posts ,she seems to me to be someone who is level headed and thinks things through .
I believe she has said that she doesn't want to phone friend as she realises friend loves drama and this would just add fuel.
As for Amazon deliveries and rucksacs ,some people like to see the goods in RL not online .
She has also said that the car seat is a special disney edition ,probably not cheap .And she's already out of pocket and predicting a diet of beans on toast when she gets home .
She's also said that she's thinking of balancing the car seat on a wheeled suitcase .

Jeezitneverends · 06/09/2024 08:36

Boopeedoop · 05/09/2024 17:20

Would it be possible to get a cheap large rucksack from Amazon France delivered to the campsite? Might be cheaper than traveling to the next town. Ask your friend if you can pay to replace the car seat when you get home. It will be easier than dragging it everywhere with you. X

This has been suggested numerous times but OP hasn’t acknowledged that it’s probably the easiest idea…

JingsMahBucket · 06/09/2024 08:18

Daltonbear1 · 06/09/2024 06:48

I asked you earlier but have you actually tried to call her as you haven’t said that did you call her at all when she left to see if she would come back as I have not seen you mentioned this. As she may have needed own space and calmed down not saying what she did was right but still have you messaged or called her as not seen that you have

I was wondering the same thing. @Notsurehowtoprocessthis have you been able to call her and speak to her? The extra day’s distance may mean she’s calmed down a bit now. If you can avoid blowing a lot of emergency money, I’d talk to her and arrange a ride back home. 💐

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/09/2024 07:52

I’m so pleased you’ve met some caring people. Please take them up on their offer.

Before you buy the bag / case, check out how to roll clothes. .https://www.wikihow.com/Roll-Clothes When needed you can get so much in a tiny space by rolling things. You just want to get stuff home so roll the clothes much more tightly than in this link then place them in the bag in a tight row and keep on infilling the row, pushing down with the next layer. This way, you can put at least double the amount of stuff in the same storage space.

I do like the suggestion by @6pence. This would be poetic justice.

CrazyGoatLady · 06/09/2024 07:06

I can't believe she's actually upped and left over this. Utterly disgraceful to leave you without transport and not honour the commitment she made. I think I said in an earlier post that if she did not want to travel with you and your DD she should have funded alternative travel arrangements for you.

I don't think the original situation was handled well but should have been something that friends could handle by having some space to cool off, then a chat and an apology both ways. Your friend leaving like that is so out of order, leaving you with an autistic child to make your own way home in a foreign country is just awful. Yes, meltdowns are difficult to understand and be around for those who are not used to them, I understand other people needing space for a bit, but what she's done in response is completely unfair and actually rather cruel.

Glad you've met some other people and are salvaging your holiday and hopefully you will find alternative ways to get home.

Daltonbear1 · 06/09/2024 06:48

I asked you earlier but have you actually tried to call her as you haven’t said that did you call her at all when she left to see if she would come back as I have not seen you mentioned this. As she may have needed own space and calmed down not saying what she did was right but still have you messaged or called her as not seen that you have

Normallynumb · 06/09/2024 00:48

So pleased you and DD have had a lovely day.
More kindness from strangers than you had from your frenemy

BlueSkies1981 · 06/09/2024 00:36

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 05/09/2024 08:20

Shes gone. She's taken my daughter's car seat out of the car and left it here too. İt's not even mine I borrowed it from someone in our home town.

No words really but what an awful thing to do to you and your little one 😞

Talkingfrog · 06/09/2024 00:02

Glad you had a better day today, and people at the site have been supportive. Hopefully you can work out your way home without it being too complicated or expensive. If you do go to disneyland this trip then get the app, as it will help you see wait times, and where characters are. Post on the thread if you do, and I would be happy to answer questions on the parks. If you don't get to go on this trip, maybe you can do another trip to dlp, and stay onsite which may be easier for both you and your daughter. You would be in control not your friend. Look into getting access cards or disability ID cards for both you and your daughter - you may both qualify and they can be used in places in the UK too. Disneyland paris have only just released dates up to March 2026 so you can look for dates up to the end of March. There are lots of groups on facebook with lots of advice, including groups that cover special needs.

ThinWomansBrain · 05/09/2024 23:22

did you give up on the idea of couriering some of your stuff back?
I use a site called parcelhero.com for work and always get good rates.
You might find you could scrounge some boxes from somewhere, so not have to bother with a suitcase, and maybe pick up a cheaper soft carry bag if there's less stuff.

6pence · 05/09/2024 23:18

I’d still be petty and change the reg of the car if I could.

sandyhappypeople · 05/09/2024 23:05

If you're going by Eurostar OP just get it booked, it gets more expensive the closer you get to travel date.

I've been checking and it has been going up all the time, Saturday and Tuesday are cheaper than Sunday & Monday (263), you can get cheap hotels in Paris for around £50/£60 per night Monday night and you'd be right there at Gare Du Nord to be able to get the early Tuesday train (185) which is cheaper, may be more leisurely than rushing around on Monday evening and paying the same as Tuesday morning travel + hotel anyway.

Tahlbias · 05/09/2024 23:02

I'm rooting for you OP! I do hope you don't speak to this vile human being ever again!

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