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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you to help me process things and get home from France.

940 replies

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 04/09/2024 21:49

I've come away with a friend and our children and she's been struggling since before we got here.

Tonight my daughter got really tired and had a screaming meltdown after my friend's daughter hurt herself and my daughter saw the blood and couldnt cope and it sent her into an epic meltdown. My friend has got it into her head that my daughter was being out of order for screaming when her daughter had hurt herself and couldn't understand that my daughter literally just can't cope with things like that due to her autism. She kept coming over trying to tell my daughter off for screaming and saying to me it was out of order (my DD is 5) and I said just leave it she's having a meltdown. I kept repeating that she's having a meltdown and there's nothing anyone can do to calm her until she's calm, so she's gone back to the room and text me that she can't be here and she's booked something else and leaving in the morning.

Which is fine. İf she doesn't want to be around us, I can't fault her for that. Only I booked and paid for the accomodation and she was paying for the transport. She drove us here and I don't drive. I don't even have a suitcase for my stuff as I just threw it in a supermarket bag for life and a large shoulder bag and put it in the car for convenience, as well as a couple of blankets and a pillow. I'll have to try and ask the staff if they can help me sort out a suitcase. We are in the countryside on a Eurocamp and there's a train station but I doubt it would take us anywhere nearby easy to get to with a suitcase shop and my daughter doesn't walk far due to her autism.

There hasn't been any issues with my daughter. She's well behaved. She has her moments like all kids with not listening sometimes and asking for sweets constantly, but no different from her friend. There's been no drama, everything has been fine all holiday between us all. She hasn't had a meltdown for weeks because it's been summer holidays and life has been much calmer. My friend hasn't been sleeping though and struggling with her daughter between the two of them, some kind of discomnectand it seems like she's just taken this as her personal last straw and wants to be alone. Which is fine. İf she can't cope with other people right now that's not something I'd hold against anyone. They didn't have to be around us for the meltdown, we were outdoors in a public area with loads of different things to do, and I've done my own thing all afternoon as we wanted to do different things, so there hasn't been any animosity building up. İn fact, me and my dd had only been back for about ten minutes at the campsite from our day out when this all erupted. My daughter has meltdowns, that's just autism unfortunately, but no one was forced to be around us, we weren't at the room when it happened and it's the only one in weeks and weeks. I've warned my friend loads of times about the autism. We all went on a group holiday before and shared a glamping pod and everything was fine, so I don't know where this has come from.

Anyway sorry for the long post, just trying to process it all. Through the accomodation booking I booked a heavily discounted ferry crossing. Would I be out of order to cancel it and book myself and DD discounted foot passenger tickets. İt's the cheapest way for me to get home. I've already paid the accomodation and my friend was meant to be paying the travel. I can only get the discount once so I'd have to cancel the ferry we were booked on, in order to use the discount for myself. I'm already going to have to pay for really expensive last minute trains all the way here in France and UK and a taxi from the station and it's going to be a much harder and longer journey and there's less ferries per day which take foot passengers.

The other thing is, is that my friend was really keen for us to do Disney on this holiday for a day. I went along with it to be a good friend, even though it's a big extra expense on what was supposed to be a cheap holiday, and she wanted to tell the children before we had booked it. Anyway I was only able to go as she gets DLA for her child so booked queue jump for us via her DLA. I can't take my DD now as she can't cope with queues and her DLA hasn't been processed yet. My friend did a big surprise thing with getting them to scratch scratch cards to see where they're going even after I said let's tell them when we are on the way, because I didn't want to make promises which might not be kept, knowing how tired everyone gets on holiday. Now I have to tell my dd that her friend is leaving early and we can't go to Disney now either.

Sorry for the long post I just don't want people to jump in and say maybe your dd is being worse than you think, and i wanted to properly explain the autism and how much I've been on my dd's emotions to make sure there hasn't been any outbursts.

OP posts:
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ifIwerenotanandroid · 09/09/2024 16:44

I'd assumed that when friend saw the meltdown at the camp site & realised she couldn't stop it, she looked at it entirely selfishly & thought, 'If that happens at Disney it'll ruin everything for me' & she took off to do Disney on her own.

You & your daughter are entirely blameless in this.

Now that you're packing up & heading home, it's natural to wonder what to say to people back home. So just tell them about the wonderful things you did & how much you enjoyed them. Those who know about you being deliberately stranded abroad will surely be on your side.

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2024 16:02

She is a liar snd always was. She wasn’t really kind, or understanding, and she didn’t forget everything she knew about autism or handling children. Her morals and ethics are situational. Stop reviewing what happened with an eye to what you could have done differently. She made a fuss snd abandoned you because that was what she wanted to do. Sometimes she pretends she does this ir that for her daughter’s sake, because she is a good mother. But that us all bullshit. She does what she wants then uses the relationship (her partner, her ex, you, the trip, her daughter) as an excuse.

murasaki · 09/09/2024 16:02

Exactly this. You've done really well in a shitty situation and have learned that you're way stronger than you thought you were. And I hope the playdate with the new friend goes well.

mathanxiety · 09/09/2024 16:01

It sounds as if she was the narcissist in her previous relationship.

Don't ruminate on what's happened. Your response to your child's meltdown was perfect and completely appropriate. Her's was not.

You did nothing wrong in the course of the friendship or on the day she showed her true colours. You took this woman at face value but the face she showed you right up to the moment when she pissed off was a false one, maybe with little hints here and there, but 99% of people wouldn't have thought anything of the little signs. None of that means your behaviour was flawed or your perceptions were off. You didn't bring this on yourself.

Narcissists leave dozens of former friends and partners in their wake, all of them wondering what they did wrong. It's not you - it's her.

Save your energy for the journey ahead. Safe travels.

BrieHugger · 09/09/2024 15:55

@Notsurehowtoprocessthis

It’s not you, it’s her…

Remember that and hold your head bloody high. You have turned an ordeal into an adventure this week, you’ve made some new friends and you’ve had total strangers on t’internet cheering you all the way.

You will be glad to get home and get life back in order, but please, never forget how brilliant you’ve been!

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 09/09/2024 14:01

Thank you, I've just had to clean her bed and it was covered in crumbs, a couple of used fake eye lashes and there were dirty knickers under the bed which I could only pick up with my fingertips and throw in an already tied up bin bag to get out of the caravan.

You're right she probably was very sassy outgoing and love bombing for a bit. I had sensed some part of her going a bit cold with me before the holiday and I just assumed she was tired but now it seems the mask was just slipping. I think I feel annoyed as well because I thought I had passed my days of falling for toxic people being able to love bomb me. She kept going on about her most recent ex being a narcissist and him love bombing her etc, but maybe there was more to it than she is letting on. She certainly told me that one of the abusive things he did was to say how horrible she was to her dd and that he couldn't tolerate being around it, but now I've witnessed it myself. I feel like she maybe projected that onto my DD, making out my DD was being an evil bully for having a meltdown around her child. Yes, I know that must be so scary for a seven year old to witness, but DD had one before when I was babysitting that friend and I put DD in her room to calm down and comforted her friend and gave her ear defenders and we talked about neurodiversity, then as soon as DD had calmed down, they were fine to play again. I left my DD alone through her screaming and gave her friend the comfort she needed, and let her know it wasn't personal towards her, so it's not like I don't care about her friend or aren't aware of how frightening a meltdown can be to witness. Even when I told my ex friend what had happened that day and that her daughter had been upset, she wasn't even fussed and I had to really push to her that she might want to give her DD some extra fuss over it. Now suddenly she's making a big deal over it. Yes I could have removed DD the other day, instead of my ex friend having to remove her DD, but I really really tried and I couldn't lift her in that state and she was refusing to walk and I had her arms in a hold so she couldn't break anything and couldn't force her to move her legs.

I guess I could go over and over what was right and what was wrong in my head, but the truth is maybe she just had a mask on all this time and that's why I didn't see this big drama coming out of nowhere. I even looked through the texts we were sending a couple of hours before it and we were being kind to one another about our days, as we had done separate things, so there's not even a sign of any approaching drama.

OP posts:
Thisoldheartofmine · 09/09/2024 13:33

Ah bless you OP.I think you've probably been running on adrenaline and you're worn out.
End of holidays and feeling apprehensive about what lies ahead isn't nice. Never mind cleaning !!
You'll get through it . And you should spare a few moments to think about how well you've done , rescuing a holiday single handedly.Flowers

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2024 13:17

Its ok to feel angry and disgusted but don’t let it dominate you or this last day. I just said this on someone else’s thread but its useful here too “when you know better, you do better.” So: now you know. When someone shows you who they are believe them. Next time you won’t let yourself be blinded by the glamour or the over the top gestures that people like that use when they want to be friends with you. I am sure she was very charming, sassy, outgoing, and she love bombed you for a while.

Next time you will see and understand the signs.

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 09/09/2024 12:23

Feel a bit low today. Just packing and cleaning and had a lie in with DD as the weather wasn't great.
I've managed to pack DD's case and have cooked up some food which needs eating up.

I wish I was already packed and cleaned so could just relax at the bar and read a book but my back is hurting and I'm drained from the worry of the key drama of yesterday, so i am really slow. Just having some lunch then hopefully I can get the rest done in an hour. We have to clean the caravan for the next people, or get charged 150 euros on a credit card. I have to sweep the floors, including my ex friend's room which she didn't bother to do. She left rubbish in there and a couple of dirty beer glasses which belong in the bar.

I think I'm feeling remorseful. Looking back I'm seeing so many red flags which I think she covered up so well. She was always leaving her mess in the bar for the staff to worry about, despite the bin being two metres from us and the bar being very short staffed and the bar staff being really kind and effortful with our kids. One of them even gave them free ice creams and she still left all the wrappers and take away food wrappers on the She was constantly slagging off her own daughter in front of her and got angry if her DD needed even one thing from her. I'm angry today because I know she'll be trying to change the narrative back at home, but I know that if I got fooled by her mother Theresa act before, then I can't blame anyone else for doing so.

OP posts:
cjcghana · 09/09/2024 11:25

Safe trip home x

Londonrach1 · 08/09/2024 21:41

You home op

noctilucentcloud · 08/09/2024 19:18

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 08/09/2024 14:02

Honestly I don't think I'll go with friends ever again. I appreciate you are trying to be helpful though. I wouldn't have left my keys with her if I didn't think she was my closest friend in my life at that point and that she just acts like a pillar of the community and we've both done so much for each other, that I couldn't imagine her acting badly. But I've learned, you literally can't trust anyone until they show you.

As for the police, I'd much rather have their help than have to get friends involved and explain the whole drama and have then take time of of their day, trying to chase up someone I don't even know when would be home. They've all got families and young kids and it would be a big ask and I don't want to bring any drama back with me and also don't want any friends in common to be put in the middle either.

I think the takeaway lessons from this are 1) OP you are fabulous at sorting out whatever curve ball is thrown at you, and 2) most people are kind (think of folk on here, the friends your daughter made who took the car seat, the eurocamp staff...). Don't let one shitty person put you off trusting folk (though it's very understandable you've had your confidence re friends wobbled).

SouthPotty · 08/09/2024 16:19

I know you've been saying that your ex friend is liked etc, and that she acts like a pillar of the community.

However worried you are about her twisting the situation to her advantage, do not stew in silence, don't let her get away with it.by not mentioning it to anyone in the neighborhood.

There's no way she can explain away leaving a disabled friend with an autistic child stranded in a foreign country without a suitcase, with no means of transport, no return ticket.

If you just tell people in a matter-of-fact way, focusing on the positives, the Paralympics, Disney, how brave your daughter was, how well you both managed etc, but not leaving out the fact that she left you, a non-driver with mobility problems, with your vulnerable daughter in the middle of nowhere, people will reach their own conclusions.

pikkumyy77 · 08/09/2024 15:45

Fannyfiggs · 08/09/2024 13:28

@Ardrahan as my wise granny used to say 'never give someone advice for which they'd need a time machine' 😁

Great, great, phrase! I am so stealing that!

Noodlehen · 08/09/2024 15:19

MonsteraMama · 08/09/2024 14:30

Er, you're acting like the friend she went away on holiday with walks around in a cape doing a supervillain laugh and OP should've foreseen being abandoned by this person. It's someone she thought was her best friend. Nobody expects their friend to ditch them and then ignore their reasonable requests for the return of their keys. None of your examples of friends having emergencies come even remotely close to what has happened to OP.

But holidaying with other friends is fine obviously, it's OPs fault for going on holiday with Dick Dastardly in the first place 🙄

I don’t think anyone’s blaming OP, from your quoted messages atleast.

but, OP has said herself that the friend wasn’t very nice and relishes in drama.

“I know what she's like as she's fallen out with exes and done dramatic things to end it”

“She also loves seeing people she's fallen out with struggling”

plus the texting while driving which is frankly disgusting 🤢

from the side we’ve heard, OPs friend is a massive C U Next Tuesday, but all of these issues could have been avoided and are easily resolvable like OP has demonstrated.

perhaps I’m just a lot less trusting, but I’d find it very hard to rely on someone as much as OP has without a contingency plan.

MonsteraMama · 08/09/2024 14:30

Ardrahan · 08/09/2024 13:44

Your granny is a wise woman.😀 But the OP will, one hopes, venture away on holiday again, perhaps with other friends.

Er, you're acting like the friend she went away on holiday with walks around in a cape doing a supervillain laugh and OP should've foreseen being abandoned by this person. It's someone she thought was her best friend. Nobody expects their friend to ditch them and then ignore their reasonable requests for the return of their keys. None of your examples of friends having emergencies come even remotely close to what has happened to OP.

But holidaying with other friends is fine obviously, it's OPs fault for going on holiday with Dick Dastardly in the first place 🙄

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 08/09/2024 14:02

Honestly I don't think I'll go with friends ever again. I appreciate you are trying to be helpful though. I wouldn't have left my keys with her if I didn't think she was my closest friend in my life at that point and that she just acts like a pillar of the community and we've both done so much for each other, that I couldn't imagine her acting badly. But I've learned, you literally can't trust anyone until they show you.

As for the police, I'd much rather have their help than have to get friends involved and explain the whole drama and have then take time of of their day, trying to chase up someone I don't even know when would be home. They've all got families and young kids and it would be a big ask and I don't want to bring any drama back with me and also don't want any friends in common to be put in the middle either.

OP posts:
curtaintwitcher78 · 08/09/2024 14:00

You're doing the right thing taking it easy before travelling. Sorry your daughter was unwell, but I'm glad she's picking up. If she's saying she is ready to go home, then that means neither of you should have regrets about postponing Disney until next year.
A general tidy and wipe down should suffice for the caravan. It doesn't have to be a deep clean. The staff do that between guests.
The x tells us she is quite quite deranged and you're better away from such a volatile person. You did the right thing contacting the police as she was refusing to answer you regarding the return of your property (as well as ignoring you about everything else).
We're all rooting for you and an easy journey home.

Grateful10QLord · 08/09/2024 13:50

Notsurehowtoprocessthis · 08/09/2024 12:35

A little slow and confusing but okay, thank you :)

DD woke up really poorly and the Eurocamp bookings for the extra two nights had disappeared overnight from the website for today. So I've booked one extra night at reception so she has time to recover. She was wheezing, hot, coughing, lying down, sore throat etc, but since lunch time she's miraculously starting to perk up.

She wants to go to the pool but I've said no because she's been so unwell, but maybe tomorrow. She's not bothered about Disney now and just said she wants to go home. I could still book a couple more nights through the website from Tuesday so we can go to Disney but we'd have to move caravans that day and as we both want to go home, I think we'll come back early next summer and do Disney.

I'm really tired and need to clean the caravan and do laundry but just can't face it. It's peaceful here though with the trees all around us.

I didn't hear back about the keys and with all the faffing it would take to find a friend to go and get home and hope someone was in at her house and find her door number off street view, I decided it was easier to ask the local police for help. I did a web chat and they said to give her a date the keys needed to be back by Tuesday or they would be reported as stolen. I gave her the option to drop at my neighbours or arrange with someone we both know to get them from her and contact me. She replied quickly after that saying of course she would drop them off on Monday and she'd been busy. She put a kiss so I think she's trying to paint herself in a better light. I can't be asked with the head games so I'm just glad to get the keys and not ever speak to her again. If she's saying she's been busy I'm wondering if she's even still in France.

She is no friend.
I am still trying to get my head around her just leaving you and DD (in another country!!), when she very well knows she is your transport back home!

Ardrahan · 08/09/2024 13:44

Fannyfiggs · 08/09/2024 13:28

@Ardrahan as my wise granny used to say 'never give someone advice for which they'd need a time machine' 😁

Your granny is a wise woman.😀 But the OP will, one hopes, venture away on holiday again, perhaps with other friends.

Tuulippes · 08/09/2024 13:31

Well done OP on working out the solution for the keys.I think Îd do the same over Disney, not bother this time and go back next year if you like . Would it cost alot more to pay for the cleaning of the caravan and not do it yourself ? Try and relax as much as possible today and have a good trip back tomorrow

Fannyfiggs · 08/09/2024 13:28

@Ardrahan as my wise granny used to say 'never give someone advice for which they'd need a time machine' 😁

Tomorrowsanuthrday · 08/09/2024 13:17

Ardrahan · 08/09/2024 12:53

OP, I’m glad your daughter is feeling better, but contacting the police was a bit mad. Your holiday arrangements aren’t a police matter! I absolutely get that you’re struggling with your own physical issues and your daughter’s autism-related behaviours, but you do seem to have gone out of your way to make yourself extra-dependent on the friend you holidayed with, with all the not bringing any luggage, just a bag for life, and leaving yourself without keys to get back into your own house because you left your keys at hers.

I appreciate you weren’t expecting to fall out to this extent, but all kinds of other things can happen on a shared holiday that can disrupt arrangements and mean you have to get home separately — I’d travelled to the Gers via Eurostar with UK-based French friends once, and one of their teenagers had a fall on holiday in northern Italy, which meant they needed to drive straight there and I had to get myself and my eight year old home. Another time, the friend I was travelling with was hospitalised in Germany, while I had to get home for work. All kinds of unforeseen things happen.

I’m not justifying your friend’s behaviour for a moment, but think how much stress you’d have avoided if you’d had some form of rucksack or suitcase all along, and the keys to your own house for when you return.

There is absolutely no justification whatsoever for this ex friends behaviour. I'm delighted you involved the police OP. Perhaps this will give the woman food for thought in that you refuse to be treated like this without consequences. Hopefully she will have second thoughts in the future about treating vulnerable people so badly.

It sounds like you managed to enjoy the rest of your break. It's always sad when people you thought you could depend on turn out to be so thoughtless & selfish. You can rise above this now & move on. Have a safe journey home.The advice & good wishes here has been wonderful 😊

Ardrahan · 08/09/2024 13:13

CormorantStrikesBack · 08/09/2024 13:07

Well the police obviously thought it was potentially a police matter as they advised about telling her to give the keys back by x date or they’d be considered stolen. 🤷‍♀️

Given that the OP specifically gave the keys to her friend to be left in her house while they were away, I’d be surprised.

My point stands, though. Even if the best-planned holidays with other people can mean you may have to get yourself home without them, and making something as basic as being able to get into your own house, when you have a five year old who struggles and tires easily, dependent on access to someone else’s house first, is just extra stress.

CormorantStrikesBack · 08/09/2024 13:07

Well the police obviously thought it was potentially a police matter as they advised about telling her to give the keys back by x date or they’d be considered stolen. 🤷‍♀️