Walking to school alone - advice please

In my country, every year at the end of summer the papers are full of articles about how to prepare your first grader (6 or 7 years old) for travelling to school alone, because they are expected to walk alone. They are taught how and where and when to safely cross (i.e. don't cross until the cars have stopped or there are no cars, that way they don't need to judge speed and distance) and parents are told to practice the route with them in the summer, then let them walk it alone while the parent "spies" on them at some points (I followed behind at a distance with my DD) then let them do it fully alone. I also got a leaflet from the national child protection charity in the summer before my DD started first grade, covering these things and giving advice on children that age staying home alone (another thing that is normal and expected).

Thanks, it is recommended where I live and over 90% of his peers also make short journeys independently. All his crossings are on pedestrian lights where dozens of other children are crossing at the same time and he knows how to make sure all the cars have really stopped.

@VitaminX

It’s not recommended that children younger than 8 cross roads alone. They can’t judge speed and distance accurately enough.

I cycled with my 7 year old on the first day of term. A route we had cycled or walked together for years (since his preschool is very close to his primary school). As always, he went in front and I followed. I used to give him instructions when he was 4/5. He doesn't need it anymore.

Because we'd put that groundwork in, he knows it like the back of his hand. He knows where to cross. He knows how to use the lights - and he knows to check just in case because we can't always trust the lights. I could see with my own eyes that he didn't need me to be there.

The second day of term, as planned, I gave him a hug, wished him a good day, told him I'd be in when he got home and sent him off. And did I feel a twinge of nerves? Of course I did, my heart was in my mouth as I watched him round the corner. But he came home happy and proud of himself as I knew he would. I wouldn't hold him back to make myself feel more comfortable.

Jeez, he should be ashamed of himself

By the time they are 11 and going to High School they need to be organising themselves and their work. As well as walking/taking public transport to school.

This is also why many schools have school residential trips because its about this process of encouraging the development of these type life skills. We've all seen the issue of children not being toilet trained by the time of school well publicised - the number of children is increasing. It is to do with parenting not special needs. One of my friends is a yr6 teacher and she says the number of parents who say 'Dorothy can't / won't do x' but away from the influence of Mum, its very different. Dorothy surrounded by positive reinforcement is throwing herself off zip lines and eating food she wouldn't normally precisely because Mum isn't there to reinforce the anxiety.

Parents are not taking the lead on encouraging independence and taking on responsibility in the way they really should be. Theres loads of parents actively holding their children back.

Its actually really sad to see.

Ideal solution is DS sort his shitty and unhelpful attitude out and help you by continuing to drop his sister.

At 15 surely he should be able to understand that he needs to do this for her personal safety / security reasons and to allow you to work. I'd actually be fucked off at the older DC for causing this unnecessary issue.

I won't be letting my Y5 walk to or from school until summer term (and even then I still drop and collect a younger child so I'll be able to know she's arrived safely)

I have to say one of the things I find particularly shocking on these threads is how many posters think its normal for a 9 year old to be incapable of getting up, cleaning their teeth and getting dressed by themselves

I agree. I am around in the mornings but my year 6 and year 5 children both get up, get their own breakfast, get dressed, wash their faces and brush their teeth, pack their school bags with everything they need and brush their own hair. They don’t need me to do it 🤷🏻‍♀️. I could do it for them, but they don’t want/need me to and it’s good for them to learn these skills.

I have to say one of the things I find particularly shocking on these threads is how many posters think its normal for a 9 year old to be incapable of getting up, cleaning their teeth and getting dressed by themselves. They should also be able to make themselves breakfast if they need to (though not necessarily be expected to do it every morning). DS has been in the habit since he was age 6. I don't think he's a huge outlier and other children have had an additional three years to be encouraged to learn these skills.

Meanwhile in Norway its regarded as normal to teach children as young as three how to use a ultity knife (for things like wood whittling and the like) and normalised to walk to school by themselves age 6.

We really are setting up our kids to fail in the UK by having these really low expectations of what they should be able to do at what age, because we've created this culture of fear.

Whats also interesting in terms of psychology is the herd mentality on this.

The OP created a thread to find out what the consensus of what was acceptable for her 9 year old. It highlights how a lot of this is about peer pressure and what is socially acceptable. That is in theory, the wrong approach.

The questions to be asking are - 'is she capable in terms of ability and maturity?', 'is it safe based on location and community?' and finally, if its a negative on either of those, 'how do I work to reach that stage in her independance and how can I help support her in this?'. (That last one is the one we fail on most - we don't have a plan of how to get from A to B in terms of development of age appropriate skills). There is also the questions of responsibility of the 15 year old and willingness to take this on. A normal 15 year old SHOULD be capable of doing this without it necessarily impinging on his social life and more importantly should be willing to do so, if he has respect for his mother.

So we are asking all the wrong questions in the UK. We aren't asking how we encourage independence and growth in our children. We are asking about how we avoid them coming to harm and over inflating our understanding of risk in the process, without examining how this in itself can be causing harms. We are neglecting that actually there needs to be a certain amount of learning through experience and error. We are extremely avoidant as a society as a result. And we encourage our peers to also engage in this style of infantilising parenting.

Avoidant behaviour is characteristic of anxiety disorders - and this is something we should keep in mind. Its troubling.

There will be some 9 year olds for whom this is too much, but really they should be the except to the rule and be due to good cause, not because of parenting style.

We also have these massive contridications in terms of where we see danger too. We see danger as outside and don't see it as being inside. Kids outside playing are visible and what they are doing can be seen. Kids inside on computers and phones inside are invisible and we are blind to what they are often doing.

I do think we are due a total rethink on a huge amount of this as a country. Kids who fall through the cracks in education often thrive in environments which are outdoors or if they are given responsibilities. (Who has seen Freddie Flintoff's cricket series which gives an active demonstration a huge amount of this?). DH sees this all the time through scouting.

/gets off soap box

@RedToothBrush Excellent points all round.

It's so true that people never weigh up the risks to their children's confidence and self-esteem of constantly giving them the message that they don't trust them, that the world's too dangerous for them at an age when they are demonstrably old enough to do something by themselves.

I'm sure most parents have been guilty of underestimating our kids. I know I have. They're our babies, it's understandable that we sometimes feel uncomfortable to see them use a sharp knife, climb a tall tree or set off for school without an escort. But it's not good for them to let them know that!

This. DS needs to make a contribution to the household by caring for his sister the selfish little shite.

My daughter is a few weeks younger than yours and has been walking by herself for 2 years. She's more than capable and so is yours. Even in England, where the culture is very over protective in this respect imo, I think most people would consider 9 to be old enough!

My 7 year old son just started walking by himself this term as well, a little later than many of his classmates.

Really? A 9 year old is less likely to consider a penis as sexual than a 14 year old. So more likely to think " silly man showing his Willie"

And as others have pointed out. Chances are there would be lots of others kids and parents walking also.ive never seen a line child of primary age headed to a school without other parents and kids around

I think it's fine if she's happy to do it. My 9yo spent last school year (y4) practising the walk to & from school on his own (walking on the pavement the other side of the road from me etc) ready for this year, showing me he could cross the roads safely. I still have to do the school run as he has a younger brother but he's leaving slightly before us & is walking up while I'm still waiting for the younger one (y3) in the afternoons. It's only a small bit of independence but his pride is clear to see. As pp have said it's a good way for children to gain independence slowly.

@WhiteLily1 my school would. My daughter has been walking to and from school since the start of year 5. I asked them last year whether she could walk in with her younger brother who was year 2 at the time. The school said yes, that's fine as they know my children, how close we live to school and they're sensible. We didn't do it and I walked my son every day but they'd have allowed it.

Exactly my point.

It's a worry that isn't proportional to the actual risk on many routes.

If someone flashed my year 5 on her way to school in the morning they’d also be flashing half the school plus parents who are walking the same route to school at the same time, plus all the people in the houses lining the street.

I'd be interested to know where the flashers would be hiding on a residental street around parents walking their own children home at the same time and how me not being there would ultimately stop the flasher. Would the flasher cease to do the same if my child was in yr6 or yr7 compared with yr5?

Because that's what we are actually talking about. Not your experience in the 1960s as a 14 year old and your level of maturity.

We've started by letting our Y5 son walk home, but not to school. If he's not home 10 mins after kick out time we'd be worried, but school wouldn't contact to ask why he's not there until much later in the morning. That said in Y7 he will be likely taking a bus to school, so we also realise we need to slowly give them some freedom.

I encountered the flashers at 14. Does that mean I was too young to be out by myself“

No but I imagine you were more able to deal with it emotionally (and physically if need had been).

I said fine to walk initially, but it sounds as if they're leaving a house without an adult, and getting back to one (unless DH happens to be home) too. Could that be school's concern?

I encountered the flashers at 14. Does that mean I was too young to be out by myself?

DS2 started waking at the start of y5 when I had to facilitate his sibling going to secondary school. I'd tend to drive past him as I was nearly home and he was just walking out.

He's much more focused when I'm not in the equation and uses alarms to structure himself. He's good at locking doors.

indeed

see also

’you won’t be allowed to leave the maternity ward without a car seat.’

They might refuse to release at first but if you refuse to pick up they're eventually going to have to let them go. They might call SS, who will, most likely, say that its parental choice unless there are other risk factors involved.