SAHP, money issues

Just because your father was even more abusive, doesn't mean your husband isn't abusive.

There is a line...and that's it right there.
What a horrible creature.

£250 per month is about £8.30 per day.

For you and three children.

So about £2 each per day.

A 5 year-old child gets more than that for lunch money. Or a bus fare.

Is he insane?

Fair enough if your family were genuinely on the breadline and he was open and honest with you.

This is not the case though.

He had (until recently) a son in an independent school.

Yet he gives his wife £2 per day. For the privilege of giving up her job as an academic to look after HIS two children, plus HIS son from a previous relationship.

And you are on here asking if this is reasonable???

Do you have any friends or family you can tell OP. You need to start talking to people irk. Stop suffering in silenced Tell people what he is doing to you. They will be appalled. Support and help is out there. You can't go on like this.

Do you have child benefits to top it up a bit? Between maternity pay end and going back to work I could access the joint account, is this a possibility? X

You are being financially abused OP. I know it's hard to accept when he's driven you so low that you can't even trust your own mind. But this is REAL - it's happening. To you. To your children.

I imagine nobody ever envisages themselves in this situation. - until they're so far gone that it seems normal and they have lost all sense of normality.

How dare he!

You need to stop questioning yourself and get angry.

Think of it this way -

You BOTH had children.

Who the f**k made him God of all things financial?

Who the f**k does he think he is?

How DARE he?

All the money he earns is YOURS ffs! You are married!

How dare he give you any form of 'allowance'.

Don't 'ask' him for anything! TELL HIM ffs. It's YOURS as much as his! He has no right to keep you in the dark about money. No right at all.

You are even looking after HIS child from a previous woman. Ffs!

This is beyond ridiculous. It's actually scary how he has conditioned you.

Ni woman in her right mind would accept this for 5 mins OP.

That money is YOURS.

You are his WIFE. The mother of his children. You are supposed to be his equal partner - making decisions together in the interests of your children.

He treats you like a paid help. Worse - he treats you as a child.

How fucking dare he!

As I said, please get help. Talk to Womens Aid or the GP - a family member - anyone. This is ABUSE. Financial and psychological. How dare he treat you and your children like this.

Before I even read the thread, just from the title I knew this would be a case of financial abuse. It's frightening how common this is and many women don't seem to realise that it's coercive control.

You need to get the child benefit in your name! This means you are not getting national insurance credits towards your state pension. Regardless of whether you think you will work enough yrs etc you honestly don't know what's around the corner! Your partner does not need them whilst working and he gets child benefit anyway for his child...!

@Belling112

Are you named on the deeds of the house?

Well I would say that if he was previously paying say £800/month private school fees he is on a decent salary. So £250 seems a bit tight.

I would say go back to work. I'm pretty sure a childminder would be more affordable than nursery.

I was the same when mine were tiny - I used to go to zoo with the annual pass and spend about £2.50 on a mini milk & a go on the carousel! I think the only way is to work more.

I think he is giving you the child benefit as spends - ours has gone up to £170/month for 2 children. So with a third that would I think be £238.

Just go back & suck up the cost as it won't be long until you get free hours.

As someone who has a lot of experience within the world of Domestic abuse, this sounds very much like coercive control and financial abuse. Have you spoken to anyone else about this?

You should both have full access to finances . For all you know he could have double that for himself. Plus I'm assuming you have no pension/savings.

This is financial abuse.

Divorce him, take half and let him sort his own childcare half the time. He’ll soon realise what you do for the family. OP it’s a form of control and abuse. I speak from experience as a SAHM, we don’t have pots of cash we have a family bank account.

Suggestions for her to get a pt job, to save this man money and shell out what little she earns on childcare, OP needs to sit him down and be brutally honest that this needs to change or there will not be a marriage.
For him to possibly have £20k squirrelled away whilst his wife scrimps and doesn't eat is despicable

Other SAHP manage because they are in a proper partnership, ot being controlled financially by a controlling man who appears not to think that ALL aspects of your children's upbringing is his as well as your responsibility.

All this "benevolence" on expensive treat holidays whilst refusing to give you enough to live normally and look after the kids with NORMAL expenses is just a way of controlling you and confusing you. Please please get advice from.a counsellor/Womens Aid asap 💐

But then again, should I have left the house in the first place? I paid 6£ for the bus, museum was free admission, took snacks for the kids, and wasn't planning on having lunch out. This is why I'm asking other SAHP how they manage.

Should you have gone out? For goodness sake you are giving the kids some lovely experiences, trying to feed them and cant even make it a special treat with lunch out. Why on earth are you wondering if you "should have left the house?"

Your husband has clearly completely confused your thinking if you are questioning your own behaviour in this way doing normal things with the kids.

I feel so angry on your behalf! 💐

I don’t think he objects to paying childcare, you are the childcare and all for £250 a month.

I don’t know if this has already been said but if you don’t claim your child benefit then you will not be getting national insurance credits for the time you are being a SAHM. This may well negatively affect your state pension in the future. You need to get your husband to sign this over to you ASAP!

Google salaries for the type of job he does, then you may have an idea.

Stop buying food etc. Ask him for money for that. Stop buying school stuff for your DSC. Ask him for money for that.

I suspect if you take away your household spend, you'd be able to budget better, but honestly £250 is a ridiculously small amount. Talk to him about how much he has as pocket money, challenge when he buys a new phone etc.

Have you considered getting a weekend job OP? Maybe a local cafe or shop within walking distance?

You could put some money aside each week until you have enough to spend on bus fare to and from your regular job - at least until you get paid. Don't tell your husband how much you earn - get it paid into your sole bank account.

Have you started the Child benefit claim in your name yet?

I don’t think the question of is £250 enough or even ‘reasonable given his earnings’.

You are married, so financial decisions should be made together, regardless of who earns and who stays at home. Income is joint, expenses are joint…and any spending money left over needs a joint decision about how to use it or share it.

This is a fundamental part of agreeing to be a SAHP - it doesn’t mean all financial things are ‘his’ and all caring things are ‘yours’.

i agree with some other comments here - this is bordering on financial control, unless perhaps his motivations are somehow wholesome (I can’t think of any).

The conversation you need to have is about how the two of you manage your joint income - not whether £250 a month is enough. If that’s hard there are family mediators out there who support these types of discussions (completely away from any suggestion of divorce).

Also to add I am another SAHP and me and my husband share money entirely, we have joint accounts. It's ours and I have full access. We make all financial decisions together and we both know very clearly what our income and expenditure is.

He's not king of the cancel just because he earns the money. £250 is a pittance as well to cover direct debits and all the other things you mention. No way is this fair or healthy! You need access to the money and you BOTH need to make financial decisions together. You're a couple not a live in Nanny!

Op huge hugs. I’d never ever ever recommend anyone to become a sahp. It starts as ‘it’s family money’ and then there’s a slide until you’re like a little kid begging for scraps. I’ve been a sahm then returned to work then left due to all the arguments over covering sick days (both of us with managers). Dh hugely bitter when I left second time and I honestly don’t think he loves me any more. Scrambling to find a job. You’re not recognising yourself rings so true to me. Hope things get easier x