SAHP, money issues

But the OP doesn’t want to give up paid in employment - she wants to be back in a job she’s worked to qualify for, and is good at. Her arsehole of a husband is refusing to consider childcare a family expense and forcing her to lose her job and her future prospects - getting back into an academic post once you’re out and not recently published is hard.

Maybe she doesn't live in England

It’s relative to what people earn!

OP can’t do the maths because her husband won’t share the numbers with her. Because he is financially abusing her. But I guess you knew that already.

I'm a working parent and my husband is a sahd. He has access to our joint account and any money he needs. That's pretty normal. 250 is very little per month.

Exactly! Why isn’t the childcare/budgeting math done BEFORE having children?

I have to agree to some respect with * *@Newname5565. I do think some women think that they can simply give up paid employment when they have babies, possibly forever? I have as much a financial duty of care towards my children as my husband does.

If he makes under £60k and still gives OP £250 spending money, he is being very generous.

Say youve read it affects your pension by reading the Government website…

And yes, @Belling112 no decent man refuses to have an open conversation about finances, or blocks their spouse from their career. None. He's not supportive and he's not honest.

If the finances are like you say, 99 percent for the family, where is the evidence? And even so, he should be finding ways to help you get your work done.

Ah @Belling112 I don't think I'm surprised to read that update. And of course you're struggling to get academic work done with no childcare. Talk to people in real life, get help. Fingers are crossed for you.

It’s not BS that the receipt of child benefit keeps your stamp going while you are “economically inactive” raising children . You need to fill in a form to get it paid to you instead of him. He’ll be told and will have the right to contest your claim, but I would suggest that if he did, this would be evidence you could use to show (or see) that he is indeed abusive. This is quite a small thing that would certainly help you, now and later at pension age.

FWIW historically, it was automatically paid to the mother BECAUSE so many women were beholden to their husbands (pre mothers going out to work) , and it gave them money of their own to protect them and their children.

Why doesn't the OP qualify for the hours of free childcare?

Jesus Christ! What is wrong with you?

This

Could you contact your local children's centre/ family hub? They will have an early help worker. They can signpost you for support from your DV/financial abuse. They can also help with your young DC attending weekly play sessions. Maybe you could do your academic work in one of their offices during the session? Good luck OP. You and your children deserve so much better x

Sounds like youve touched a nerve there op with “he didnt want to continue the conversation and when you suggested it was an abusive position he called BS”

i would suggest you get this paper done. When he gets home at night, get out of the house. Is there anywhere local you can work on it? Even a quietish pub could work. Make sure you submit that.

id book an appointment with the GP, you sound mentally broken from the situation. Also contact womens aid

is there anyway you can leave? Can you go and stay with your mum with the kids? Just for some space and time out?

your in my thoughts op and im rooting for you (as are the collective mumsnet group) to extract yourself out of this situation xx

Dear op, would you be able to leave the kids with him on his day off to go to the library to work? Would he be ok with that?

OPs partner earns no more than £50,000 if he's claiming Child Ben there's not masses of money coming in, though this does not negate the control he is insisting on.
What really surprises me is that he controls all the food and kids clothes purchasing. When I was a child in the 70s men would give their SAHW "housekeeping" which would usually be for food, clothes, shoes etc so women had more autonomy. That is a red flag.

To be fair I doubt he’s rolling in it. He’s in rental accommodation which suggests he can’t afford to buy anything. Maybe he has a savings pot, maybe not but the point is his controlling oppressive behaviour and refusal to be transparent. I’d work on the basis that you won’t get a penny from him bar child maintenance and look at how you can make your own way.

My DH isn't well off, his expenses are 99% for the family (rent, bills, petrol etc).

Bottom line, a man who wasn’t financially abusive would have said, “I’m sorry it’s tough on us financially - look, let me take you through the finances” - not shut you down, and not previously have berated your budgeting.

My DH isn't well off, his expenses are 99% for the family (rent, bills, petrol etc).

But you know this is bullshit.
Firstly because have no transparency - you don’t know what he earns for a start. So how can you know he isn’t well off?
Secondly because he’s hinted at £20-30K of savings - you don’t get that if 99% is going on the family
Thirdly because until recently he was spending £8K a year on school fees (which is suspiciously low btw) - so where is that money now?

I’m also suspicious that despite his son living with you and the ex being a high earner, he wouldn’t also have CMS. Yes, high earners can hide income, but a lot of people are PAYE and can’t. You guys are so tight for money but he hasn’t put in a CMS claim? Bullshit.

Very handy for him that another woman stepped in to care for his first son - so that he can sail on in his job, totally unimpeded by childcare responsibilities. While giving you £2 per day.

As I said earlier, who made him god of finances? Who does he think he is?

A full-time nanny would cost him about £40-£50k per year. And she gets to go home at the end of a shift.

Has he looked into how much nurseries cost?

i don't know how you can even engage with him. He is ridiculous.

She has two children and is being held financial hostage by an abusive husband, unable to work, caring for his 3 children, one of which is not hers.

She needs to get real.
No child benefit being paid to her.

She could walk into any police station and ask for help.