SAHP, money issues

Absolutely this OP. He's got no love or respect for you. He's abusive and you deserve so much better. Gather your 2 children and when he's at work tomorrow walk out of the door for the last time. Go to your friends house or your mum's. Claim child benefit and universal credit. You can seek help from womens aid. Get out before he completely destroys you.

What your dad did to your mum was obvious abuse. Coercive control and other forms of domestic abuse can be really insidious and hardly noticeable to anyone who doesn’t know the full story. Part of Coercive control is gaslighting. You are second guessing yourself and your feelings and wondering if he is in fact being reasonable. Would you think it reasonable if one of your friends couldn’t meet you for coffee because they couldn’t leave the house ( for whatever reason)? Some things in isolation may not appear to be abusive, but when you look at the bigger picture, ask yourself, have you been isolated in your house for the most part? Are you prevented from seeing your friends and family? Are you prevented from spending money on reasonable items for yourself? Are you slowly losing your identity and independence?

@Newname5565 you seem to purposefully ignore the fact that it’s less the amount OP has issues with and more complete lack of autonomy/transparency/partnership she has in financial (and other) matters. If they sat down together and looked at the financial situation and made joint decision on spending priorities (among others rental costs/area, holidays of any etc) then OP might have felt different re situation.

@Belling112 I have read your latest updates and you may be painted as a monster here but I think you have to sort yourself out first and foremost. It’s a matter of survival and creating a foundation for a functional life wit your DC. Drop the saviour complex and forget about sorting out DSC, your parents etc. As a matter of fact I would go as far as to say that you should consider moving out and leaving all DC with your husband. It may seem a drastic step but if you stay and change nothing you’ll be perpetuating the cycle and passing on the trauma/unhealthy relationship dynamic to your DC. Move out, get a job, sort out finances, get on anti depressants if you are not on them already, get therapy and be one a strong, independent adult with agency. See your kids on the weekends/evenings for now until you are in a financial position to go 50/50.

Oh so lets be clear here.

HIS child has special needs and he coerced you under false pretences to become a SAHM to his child, with assurances that he would cover your costs?

Meaning he gets to continue to work and earn while you in effect are in servitude to him and his child.

I have heard it all.

I would be packing my bags and going anywhere and I mean anywhere and leave him to figure out childcare for his child.

You poor poor woman.
Please contact your friend.
Please go to your mother, tune out her bullshit.
Just leave him to the consequences of the financial abuse.

You could walk into any police station and ask for help.
Please do it OP.

This is such a bad man.
Of course he promised you the world.
He needed a childminder for his child so he could work.

You work 24/7 for £250 a month.

lol, I can assure you, I’m a woman. I sound like a man because I take equal financial responsibility for the children I chose to create.

He promised her. He was obviously lying but you trust your spouse usually. Hindsight is a great thing but you make it sound like it is her fault. At least UC will pay the childcare she needs to get a job and financial freedom. You talk like a man who has been divorced and lost half your assets.

OP is unhappy because she can’t freely spend money on going out, cafe’s etc. I’m only pointing out that her expected lifestyle may not be possible on benefits.

I don’t see marriage/ relationship as a meal ticket.

Then have a conversation with him. It wasn’t a good decision to leave your job without being sure if your husband can afford to give your the lifestyle you want.

Tell me one thing, if he can only afford to give you the current lifestyle, would you leave him or stay with him and adjust your expectations (and expenses) accordingly?

It’s time for a solid conversation - you need to find out if he can actually afford to pay. If he still doesn’t talk finances, try couples therapy.

People here jump quickly to say “leave”. Being a single parent is hard. Life on benefits is hard. Just be sure you are not leaving a hard working man working to provide for his family. If you are convinced he is a nasty piece, you know what to do.

Sorry if you've said this and I've missed it, but are you under the GP for your depression and on antidepressants? If so it sounds like you need a review, if not it's high time you made an appointment x

Better to be poor on benefits than in an unhappy relationship. You obviously have low standards for a relationship.

Also. I urge you to think carefully before you leave your husband. In a few years, your twins will be in school and you can easily go back to work.

Benefits will not be “generous”.

OP, I empathise with your past. However, you need to see the points im trying to make. If your DH makes under £60k, you cannot afford a lot of “nice things” on his income alone. Going somewhere, sitting in cafes, visiting aquariums, buying gifts for your family - these cost money. They are luxuries for some. Unfortunately, given the inflation and cost of living crisis, £60k doesn’t go far.

You said you had an offer for employment but your DH refused to pay for childcare. Can he afford to pay? Does he make enough to have that money left after paying for everything for his family? Even if he uses up his £30k savings, what after that runs out?

You said you gave up employment to be a SAHM. Is this something you both agreed on ? Or was it entirely your decision? You said DSS goes to school, what did you do when he was at school? What you mean by full time parent? Do you think working women are part-time parents?

You need to start putting numbers on paper. You said he doesn’t tell you about finances. Has he always been like that? How did you leave your job without knowing if he earns enough to pay for your expected lifestyle?

Would you take your kids with you to see your friend?

No, I’m in today’s world. I see Independent women who see rights and responsibilities as two sides of the same coin.

You can’t have it both ways. Contribute equally and you get equal rights. And no, housework is not financial contribution. It’s just something working women/men also do.

Surely if you went back to work.ypud have money to pay for childcare. It's always good to earn your own money.

You do have somewhere to go. You have your mum. Take your kids and go. Go online and claim UC credit today, as a single parent. You’ll be able to apply for the advance almost immediately and you’ll have the advance in your bank account in a couple of days.
With little kids, you’re not expected to work. If you do work, UC will pay towards your childcare. Then at 8am tomorrow, you call child maintenance service and put in a claim for child maintenance. Once those are done, you then make a claim for the child benefit and they will decide which do you gets it. You will win that as primary carer with all the other claims in your name.

It sounds overwhelming but just go. The guy is abusing you.

Have you actually read s single thing ghe OP has said before writing that completely unreasonable patronising and smug response. I rarely comment in quite such a descriptive way but your tidiculous response to this OP in such a patently awful position through no fault of her own, is like a red rag to a bull

Bejing this is SO hard I know. Financial abuse is not just demonstrated in the ways your father did it. You are UNDOUBTEDLY being financially abused and frankly his responses to you raising this is UNDOUBTEDLY gaslighting and coercive control!!

Your choices:
*carry on as you are and suffer more and possibly worse of the above whilst your children watch as they grow older!
*move out ...to your mums? A friend? Womens refuge? Please please find a way to leave with your child (not his sadly but that is separate to your decision in this scenario). Get legal advice if that helps ..W Aid can help; ring them. Or talk to Citizens Advice as a first step or Domestic Abuse help line; Samaritans can advise on who to call too.

• go with flow whilst you sort out how to leave as per above. Dont share with him; dont comment when he gas lights. Just shut up and quietly prepare and then please please leave I truly wish I could give you a big hug and stand with you as you navigate this but I hope that even online support helps a bit 💐

OP, how about asking for a refuge place?
It might speed up your help.
I feel so desperately sorry for you.

So when you get divorced and he gets his next 'slave', he will be badmouthing about you to her...

Could you at least take your two and go to your mum's tomorrow? Even if you have to sleep on the sofa or floor, at least you'll be free.

There are a couple of trolls in here, blatantly obvious who they are: sociopaths is what comes to my mind whenever I encounter posters like them. OP is clearly struggling with an abusive relationship: this has NOTHING to do with fecking budgeting or being a SAHM or any other braindead suggestion copied from the filthy depths of the manosphere.. These are the times in which I question my firm opposition to including mysoginy as a hate crime... 🙄 (Sorry for the rant)

Can you really not go and stay with any relatives with your two children?