SAHP, money issues

well he is a cheapskate. I’m a SAHM always been since married 10 years ago. Before that i was psychologist, so i earned good money aswell, but hated my jo and want to focus on my family. I have 2 ASD kids so being a SAHM its the best for my family.

My husband transfer me £2k permonth for food, kids essentials and whatever i want to buy for that month. He is earning £5k. He pays mortgage, bills, cars, etc. And all the rest of his earning its in our joint account. He is very transparent with money.

You have kids, you should have a joint account

How do you suggest she does that when he wont talk about it? There's a big difference between someone choosing not to be involved in the finances and someone being excluded from it and denied any knowledge or input in the situation. OP is also providing child care for a child that isn't hers and he won't even discuss paying child care so she can go back to work, it's just a no. That's him being controlling, not her ignoring reality.

This is a ridiculous situation bordering on, if not already, financial abuse. I think you need to go back to work. The childcare hours are for children from nine months.

This. Having a man pay me pocket money would give me the ick.

Is custody of DSC shared? Is he paying child support?

Sounds like loads of red flags.

Go back to work. He will quickly pay for childcare if you leave him with the kids and head to work at 7am.

Completely agree, OP don't spend a penny on his child.
However, it's also unfair of him to shut you out from the family finances. You're his life partner, you should have access to everything. And agree on how to spend his salary together.

You're not a child to be given erm pocket money.

In a true partnership both partners arrange their time and money to ensure that each has the same amount of free money and the same amount of free time. Any other arrangement means that one partner doesn't respect the other and is taking advantage.

You and dh need to have a serious discussion about finances, with total transparency and agreement on all major spending decisions. If he won't agree to that you need marriage counseling.

So your DP gives you £250 a month which clearly isn’t enough with what you are expected to pay for, he refuses to contribute to childcare if you return to work and we also expects you to care for his child - your DSC.

You need to return to work, even part-time and refuse to look after your DSC going forward. You also need to consider leaving your partner.

I think it depends ...

1. On how much money DH earns. If there is no spare money, there is no spare money
2. on whether he knows that you are spending some of your money on food shopping and things for the DC - which I would aruge he should pay for under your arrangement. If he thinks you're spending £250 just on yourself, then, he might well feel that this should be more than enough.

Bill him for child care. 100% for the stepchild, 50% for your children. You are making a significant financial contribution to the household, which he isn’t recognizing at all. And he “won’t pay” for nursery! How? Is he going to force you to be a SAHM if you decide you don’t want to?

I have to be honest, I simply cannot imagine living like that. Any money in our household is family money. We both have equal access to it, and neither of us polices the other. I’m a sahm (kind of, self employed but always have ds with me) and DH works his arse off, but he’s never once given even a hint of the impression he considers it ‘his’ money.
In your situation, I’d definitely be looking to return to work asap and, frankly, making plans to leave him.

I certainly don't understand my DH's income or expenditures since he doesn't disclose this with me.

why on earth did you think it was a good idea to give up your job? What he is doing is not ok but how on earth did you think becoming a sahm was a good idea given your complete ignorance about the financial situation? This should have formed the basis of a joint discussion from which such a huge decision is made.

All our money is family money to which I had full access as a SAHP.
What you are describing is financial abuse.

Oh op.

You should have had a conversation about finances, salaries etc before giving up work.

He is a mean abusive twat.

whose decision was it to give up your job? did you make it jointly and didn't you discuss finances before? what was the agreement? I couldn't live like that and rather would return to work.

Well if he won’t pay for childcare then I would make it clear you’ll only be responsible for your two and leave him to sort dsc.
Personally I’d issue an ultimatum. He supports you properly or you leave.
He’s a controlling and selfish miser.

OP your husband is not a good person. This is financial abuse.

I find it odd that this wasn't discussed and sorted as you were considering starting a family. If you don't know your husbands Income how did you both know you could afford to give up work?

@Belling112 so your husband actually has another account into which his wages are paid?? you are not seeing the full picture so even just looking at a joint account is pointless. he could have 3k left to himself every month whereas you are skint and we are not even at the end of the first week of the month? do you see what is happening here??????

Honestly? At best he's taking the piss, but sounds more like financial abuse. You're not a five year old getting pocket money. If he's not prepared to treat you like the equal you are, go back to work and get rid of him.

You need to go back to work. You can’t be a SAHM with a man like that.

It doesn’t appear that OP’s husband is struggling to make ends meet though.

Yes, if my husband paid me what I used to earn at work as well as supporting the whole household and paying into a pension, we wouldn’t be able to pay any bills and would be bankrupt! (And definitely appreciates what I’m doing for the family). I’m sure there are many SAHP households out there with thousands leftover every month that could afford this but there are many many more that are just about making ends meet on 1 income

Why are you with him?