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AIBU?

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Original poster

SAHP, money issues

545 replies

Belling112 · 04/09/2024 20:37

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

OP posts:
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Newname5565 · 09/09/2024 07:37

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Thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2024 07:25

sunraze · 09/09/2024 07:20

I'm not sure 'savvy' is the word I'd use in that one's case @Thepeopleversuswork .

No, fair point. At any rate a period of dignified silence from @Newname5565 would be helpful.

sunraze · 09/09/2024 07:20

I'm not sure 'savvy' is the word I'd use in that one's case @Thepeopleversuswork .

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2024 07:02

This. You can blame others OP, but only you can get yourself out of the mess.

OP is not “blaming others”. She’s in a fairly desperate state of mind and is seeking help. Tone down the sanctimony.

It may sound obvious to you that it’s a bad idea to be a SAHM without having full visibility over your partner’s finances. But if you have grown up with abuse it’s not as straightforward as this. How helpful is it to crow about how much more financially savvy you are now?

Newname5565 · 09/09/2024 06:39

Whatafustercluck · 08/09/2024 22:30

This is so depressing. Another woman agreeing to give up work to be a sahm, only to find herself worse off in every conceivable way a couple of years down the line. Women desperately need to have the hard conversations, set the ground rules and demand full financial transparency, before agreeing to do this. So many women fall victim to this shit, time and again.

Op, I'm sorry you're in this situation. But the only person who can get yourself out of this now is you. You've kept up your professional qualifications. Prioritise your mental health, get back to work, get your independence and autonomy back. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to start making changes now, today. Small steps. You'll feel better once you have a plan in place. This situation is untenable.

This. You can blame others OP, but only you can get yourself out of the mess.

Newname5565 · 09/09/2024 06:37

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BigGhatt · 09/09/2024 00:34

Speak to womens aid, they will be able to advise you

sunraze · 08/09/2024 22:42

OP, it sounds to me as if the two DC you have with this awful man are very small - are they twin babies?

Have you been basically stuck at home all school holidays with two babies and a bored DSC who you can't take out because you have no money?

Anyone would go stir crazy in that situation, week in week out. No wonder you're depressed. I feel very sorry for your DSC too - does he have any friends over? How old is he?

And now he's changed schools as well - is that right? You have a lot going on. I'm so sorry.

MsNeis · 08/09/2024 22:37

Belling112 · 08/09/2024 15:18

I'm not on the tenancy. He rented this house with my DSC before I moved in so he won't leave.

My mum is equally penniless. I do stay with her for a week or 2 at a time for some respite, but I don't want to burden her financially, and while I contribute as much as I can while I'm there, I cannot support myself and DC there for long (and I will not ask my husband). The last time I stayed there, me and my mum had an argument and she said some unkind things (demonstrating perhaps a degree of internalised misogony) referencing my husband, marriage, and my mental health. I don't really want to go back there at the moment.

It's been an absolutely hellish 3 years (although problems have been ongoing since I was a child). My father has abused my mum in ways you cannot imagine. I spent my entire 20s supporting my mum financially, and sorting problems between them. Trying to mediate, or getting others to mediate. Calling my dad's friends, family friends, in the latest case, lawyers and housing officers for my mum. The situation isinfinitely worse than I will ever be able to describe here. And this has been my entire life. I married this man to be free of all that. I was prepared to give up my entire life, my livelihood, the home I built for myself, and accepted being a SAHM and a full time parent to a child that wasn't mine, because I thought I was marrying a generous and sentient being. He knows all the issues I've had. He sees the horror that are my arms every day. I made such a mistake trusting him, against my better judgment. But I cannot express how strong was my desire to escape my parent's troubles and how much it had worn me down.

I've been really unwell since my teens. I self harmed a lot, my entire arms are covered in scars. I frequently overdosed on OTC PKs. I don't know how I'm still here. How I managed to work and study, and start a family. I've always felt so detached from myself, when catching my reflection, or not recognising myself in the mirror or in photos. The scary thing is now sometimes when I look at photos of my DC, I don't recognise them.

I could stay with my friend in the city I lived and worked in before I married. She doesn't know about the issues with my husband. I can just about afford an advance single if I book it in advance and midweek, but I don't know how I will support myself while I'm there, and for how long I could stay there.

I'm really sorry it was not my intention for the thread to go this way. Thanks again for all your support.

It's perfectly understandable how you viewed this man as a way out of dysfunction at home: everybody in your situation would have wished for the same. Your wishes were right, your goal was noble: he is not any of these things. But it's not your fault.
Back to the practical side: so your mum can't be of much help (maybe she can be useful in other ways, but you should protect yourself from her). Friends, women's organisations... Hang in there, don't give up: you're strong. You've overcome so much!

Whatafustercluck · 08/09/2024 22:30

This is so depressing. Another woman agreeing to give up work to be a sahm, only to find herself worse off in every conceivable way a couple of years down the line. Women desperately need to have the hard conversations, set the ground rules and demand full financial transparency, before agreeing to do this. So many women fall victim to this shit, time and again.

Op, I'm sorry you're in this situation. But the only person who can get yourself out of this now is you. You've kept up your professional qualifications. Prioritise your mental health, get back to work, get your independence and autonomy back. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to start making changes now, today. Small steps. You'll feel better once you have a plan in place. This situation is untenable.

MsNeis · 08/09/2024 22:28

sunraze · 08/09/2024 22:16

I have reported your posts NewName. The thread is not about you.

Same here

MsNeis · 08/09/2024 22:27

Madamum18 · 08/09/2024 15:16

Have you actually read s single thing ghe OP has said before writing that completely unreasonable patronising and smug response. I rarely comment in quite such a descriptive way but your tidiculous response to this OP in such a patently awful position through no fault of her own, is like a red rag to a bull

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Don't feed the troll 🙏😬

sunraze · 08/09/2024 22:16

I have reported your posts NewName. The thread is not about you.

sadlater · 08/09/2024 22:15

Sounds so tough. Thinking of you..

YellowAsteroid · 08/09/2024 22:15

Oh get real @Newname5565 if you actually read the OP’s posts and had even a milligram of empathy you might understand just how abusive her husband is being.

He wanted her to be a SAHM.

He will not give her the information she asks for about their finances.

The OP supported herself and saved a considerable sum of money before she met and married this man. Her savings were spent on supporting her mother in trying to escape being abused by her father.

The OP has gone back to work and arranged for her mother to provide childcare for the DC and the husband’s child (DSC). But because her husband didn’t see care for his DC as a shared family expense, it cost the OP more than she could earn.

Read the fucking thread @Newname5565

Newname5565 · 08/09/2024 22:09

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sunraze · 08/09/2024 22:07

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Newname5565 · 08/09/2024 22:05

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sunraze · 08/09/2024 22:03

OP, I really do feel for you.

What did he actually say when you told him to show you the bank accounts?

sunraze · 08/09/2024 21:59

This thread is not about you @Newname5565 .

Your sound like you have even lower expectations of men and of life than OP. Or perhaps you are an incel - in which case, you know where to go.

While your posts are tragic reading - this is not the place for whatever it is you're trying to convince yourself about.

Newname5565 · 08/09/2024 21:48

DailyDoily · 08/09/2024 19:11

That’s great that you do and have that lifestyle. I’m guessing your DC other parent would say they take equal caring responsibility for the children they chose to create?

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Yes. Absolutely.
That is because I take equal financial responsibility. Not the other way around.

Arrivapercy · 08/09/2024 20:08

The lack of shared finances is not good. Your DH needs to be open about what he earns etc and give you access to the accounts.

But it sounds like you might be quite unrealistic about the family finances. If there's no money, there's no money. You don't sound amazing at budgeting, i wonder if your DH is panicking at how tight the family budget is, as the breadwinner & giving you everything he can.

The paying for childcare thing is a bit of a red herring - of course the cost should be split but if you then also contribute to household bills it may be no different to now, and actually it could be that as a family you are worse off, is your DH trying to say that actually, you can't afford it?

DailyDoily · 08/09/2024 19:11

Newname5565 · 08/09/2024 16:40

lol, I can assure you, I’m a woman. I sound like a man because I take equal financial responsibility for the children I chose to create.

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That’s great that you do and have that lifestyle. I’m guessing your DC other parent would say they take equal caring responsibility for the children they chose to create?

DailyDoily · 08/09/2024 19:06

DearestGentleReader · 07/09/2024 11:13

You've asked the wrong question IMO.
Women aren't insisting on joint bank accounts with random people. They are building a joint life and joint future with their husbands.
The question is "why do people insist in getting married if they want to continue to live separate lives as if they were single?"
It just seems like muddled thinking to me. Be single or be married, what's the point of confusing the issue? 🤷🏻‍♀️

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And if you do ever divorce having separate finances will make no difference whatsoever. Everything is taken as “joint marital asset” and will be divided and distributed fairly (as the law defines it) .

If you’re not married it’s different - then you each have what you have and the only thing that would come into play would be child maintenance. Then separate finances make more sense.

AngryBookworm · 08/09/2024 18:04

OP, this is frightening. By refusing to pay for childcare your husband is trapping you at home. Caring for the children is your joint responsibility: right now, you're contributing though labour and he's contributing financially, but you have no autonomy to change that balance. The lack of autonomy would stress me out too. I'd be very worried that that wouldn't change. As you're an academic, a key thing is to keep up with your field: can you give some one-off lectures or take on some short term or casual teaching? Alternatively private tutoring can be quite good (could your mum come and look after the kids?). Ultimately in a marriage with kids you should both have an equal amount of say over shared assets, so you should know how much is coming in. If you were working full time and also needed childcare for the kids (including wraparound for the DSC) how much would be left over (plus or minus figures). It could be worth calculating your contribution in those financial terms, even for your own self esteem. You are contributing as much as your DH is, but unlike him you don't have control or autonomy. I'm so sorry, you deserve better.