SAHP, money issues

Why are you paying to entertain his DSC and for groceries out of your spending money? Those are household bills.

You either need to go back to work, or start biking him for the childcare you're providing. This is crazy.

Usually I would ask if he can actually afford to provide more than you are getting as many homes can't afford to pay the bills on one income let alone have nice amounts of disposable income each.

I think it is controlling for him to solely know the family's financial position and make decisions for the family treating you as the little woman who should be grateful for what he is providing. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who did not treat me as an equal partner. He would be contributing to childcare if you go back to work. He's trying to prevent you from returning to work because he likes you where you are and doing what you are doing. It suits him but you are unhappy. That to me feels controlling and abusive. He would probably view it as him providing you and the kids with a good life and you being ungrateful.

Childcare is a family expense.
If you go back to work, all money into a joint account and pay it from there.

This should not be “the cost of motherhood.” I’m a SAHM, and my husband and I have equal access to our joint account.

OP - surely you knew what your DP was earning before you made the decision to become A SAHM?

How did you get to the point of marrying this man, having 2 children with him and giving up your own job without discussing his income and expenditure and how the household would manage finances. It's mindblowing.
You need to sit down and have a full and transparent about finances, and arrangements going forward. Options including pooled money, returning to work, divorce.

Not be married to a ridiculous man who doesn’t understand an egalitarian relationship.

when I was a sahp I had full access to all accounts. DH and I discussed all financial decisions. Every penny he earned was considered “our” money.

If you want to stay married to him, I would go back to work asap. I would also only agree to do half of the nursery drop-off and pick-ups and half the sick days. You can’t let your career suffer. He doesn’t view you as a team.

Omg you quit your job to be a SAHM and you don't even want to ask your husband what he earns or how he'd fund a household?

You need to go back to work, that's the only way out of this. If he doesn't want to pay for childcare he can stay at home on £125 a month instead.

my DH refused to pay for childcare.

You know this could be seen as financial abuse, and a version of coercive control, which is against the law, don't you? There is a law against coercive control - he is breaking the law by trying to control you via money.

Go back to work now, he pays half childcare, start stashing money away and make a plan to leave this abusive arse. And if he won't help with childcare for your joint kids, you don't lift a finger for his kid.

This

You need to go back to work.

This is awful. He's being financially abusive and treating you as the help.

Tbh I’m wondering if this is actually financial abuse op. I think you should call women’s aid and see what advice they have. He’s a prick your DH. Good luck x

You have left yourself in a very vulnerable financial position without understanding the finances in the first place. You will have to return to work as soon as you can. Can’t you get a part time job when he isn’t working such as in a pub at weekend or something.

There’s so much wrong with this I don’t know where to begin.
You’re not equals. He’s not being your partner. You have as much say as him in the budget; do another one. Pay all bills, split what’s left equally. He doesn’t get to choose. It’s not ‘his’ money. It’s both of yours. End of. Change your thinking here op as you’ve got it all wrong… if he disagrees and won’t share money - well you’ve got two choices; go back to work and keep separate accounts and get legal advice; or divorce because he’s really your partner and is using you to have kids basically. At your own disadvantage. Whilst his life goes on.

I'm lost for words again.

Another one speaking up that this isn't right I'm afraid @Belling112 The lack of transparency, and not including you in important financial decisions, is disrespectful and shows he does not see you as his equal. The 'allowance' and refusal to give you access to joint family income, or give you more money, when you're looking after your children plus his child that isn't yours, does raise alarm bells.

All of this put together is financial abuse. I know that sounds a bit full-on to hear from so many people, it might be that perhaps your husband hasn't really thought all of this through, and just needs sitting down and it pointing out to him regarding the disparaging way he is treating you, his wife, his EQUAL. This might be a light-bulb moment and then things can change from there.

However, if it isn't, then he really is a financial abuser, rather than just a bit of a muppet.

I'm a SAHM and in the beginning, my husband was a bit like this, not quite to your husband's extent, but he'd check my receipts and tell me I'm spending too much (on household essentials), whilst spending whatever he likes. He also wouldn't include me in major decisions. I had a very firm word with him and got it nipped in the bud in the early days. I made it clear to him that we'd made a joint decision for me to be a SAHM and that it is family money, not "his" money, and things needed to be equal. He took it on board and it's all fine. I think it can be hard for men to adjust to life changing once there are children involved. I'm not trying to excuse their muppetness but they do often need things blatantly pointed out to them sometimes.

I've always known what my husband earns, since we were dating, it is odd how secretive your husband is around income and expenditure.

If there’s no money to spare then your current circumstances won’t be able to change. It sounds like you are doing without a lot of things and it’s really hard. Maybe as you say, going back to work may help.

You've not got this quite right have you. Bill him for all the things you do for him, the home and the kids . He wouldn't get much change out of £100.000 a year!!?

None of that sounds healthy. I'm a SAHM at present, all of DH wages go into our joint account and we budget for bills and savings from that. Everything left over is just as much mine as it is his.

If your DH won't do the the same, I'd strongly consider going back to work earlier than planned.

I’m a SAHP with full and equal access to all our household money and financial decisions
In my opinion this is the only way having a SAHP can work. Earned income is family money as childcare/running the home is not being outsourced.

I agree with this. Major red flags.

You need to go back to work, for several reasons.

It’ll start to shift the balance of power in the relationship. Your husband is being a controlling arse, you can’t rebalance it by asking him nicely to disclose his finances and give you a bigger allowance. You need to be earning.

It’ll start to re-establish your career and
set you up for a future that might
not include being together with him.

It’ll give you a stronger sense of identity and a different purpose to complement motherhood, which could help your mental health / PND.

OP, all this stuff is NOT the price you pay for motherhood. Please focus on getting that independence back.

You should at least know how much he earns!