SAHP, money issues

This sounds miserable OP and is no life.

Work on a get out plan. If you think you'd make headway, you could sit him down and show him this thread or lay out how unfair it all is. But if you think it would be waste of time then skip that step and get out of this controlling relationship and get your independence back. It'll be hard with young kids but not impossible, and totally worth it.

You should be having it. Quietly phone them and change it.

Woah OP you need to be getting that sorted out ASAP for the sake of your future state pension but also your children who need that money.
All kinds of wrong and this looks alot like financial abuse to me, too.

Contact CB office and get yourself on there as the main parent in receipt of Child benefit for a start! You'll need to as you're not working and need your NI stamps.

I misread so edited initial post.

He’s financially abusive. You’re caring for a stepchild too and going without because of it.

Can you make plans to divorce? Unfortunately, I don’t see any other option.

Sounds like financial abuse to me too

Do you get the child benefit?

Divorce, claim UC and they will pay for childcare for you to work.

So he won't pay for childcare but expects you to provide childcare for his child ?

He’s abusive. Stop paying for anything for your DSC, that’s his to pay for, not yours. You need to get back to work, if he refuses to pay childcare, tell him you will divorce him and claim maintenance, although frankly I think you should do that anyway rather than raising your children around a man who sees women as second class.

Please understand how abnormal this is. Most SAHMs have free and equal access to all household money. Why wouldn't they?

Sadly i don't actually think this is true. Loads i know are either with controlling bastards or (more common), they wanted to be a sahm and he didn't agree/thinks they can't afford it, and she doesn't ask for more money because she knows the answer is "you need to work if you want more money, we have no more" - and she doesn't want to work while kids are young.

Why did you ever agree to this set up? You need to go back to full time work ASAP.

Could you not ask for a separate card for the kids stuff? I don’t see why you should have to ask though. Or I’d go back to work. The money is not really for you by the sounds of it. He’s treating you like a possession. I’d bring this up with your therapist.

Do you even know how much he earns? I'd be snooping for payslips if I were you.

Basically this. He's a dick and he's treating you like an idiot that he doesn't respect.
Go back to work and make him pay half the extortionate nursery fees

This sounds very abusive, telling you to stay in, making decisions without you, refusing to let you work. £250 is not enough for bills and extra for the kids let alone for you to live your life. It's sad you say you don't buy anything for yourself or get others gifts. You sound impoverished. I think being a SAHM can only work if you have a husband who respects you and the role you are doing, otherwise you end up as a skivvy. You need to go back to work. He needs to pay for childcare and you need totally joint transparency on finances. If he won't do this then I can't see how you could continue with him.

Agree this sounds like financial abuse.

Please go back to work - and make sure childcare costs are shared, not just yours.

If he will come to marriage counselling then do it.

Yes it matters whether there is money in the pot but if he's buying himself new clothes and a new phone it sounds like there is money for him. £250 is a ridiculously small amount for three kids and one adult for a month.

Good luck OP and sorry you are going through this

This is sounding like financial abuse. Purely because-

You have no income - your partner controls what you have, and with children and top up shops it is unlikely you can ever get anything for yourself

It means each month you have to ask for money, so its not an equal dynamic - almost like spence for a child

You already are the vulnerable party in the relationship if he is the sole earner - so the control over what you can have without knowing anything about finances suggests that he has decided he has that power to do so and that you should simply be grateful.

If you had an equal viewing and say in finances and say you had a joint account which you used for the childrens stuff and top up shops (with all bills), but you both get 250 in a seperate account for whatever you want to get (or another amount, whether you decide not to replace your necessities and instead spend on the children), that would not be as bad.

The inability to buy presents for family and friends - is this a choice or because the 250 won't stretch? Does he buy presents for his side? This should be equal and out of the joint money if his is too. You agreed to lose your income to do your part and now you have no financial freedom.

Another side note might be he could be hiding financial difficulty from you and establishing older traditional roles - but it seems unlikely when he does the big spends you mentioned. There is no problem with him buying clothes etc everyone has a right - but you should be able to as well.

Me and my fiance have a joint account and we can be the 'spends police' on each other sometimes, but we are trying our best to save for wedding and its mutual decision - but we still end up buying stuff. Tends to be talk about things over a set amount or if its something we aimply don't 'need'.

I hope this helps x

Hi OP. This isn't about being. SAHM or working. You are with a financially abusive man - that's the bottom line.

Even when you are back at work, he still won't share his salary with you or tell you how much he has or treat you as an equal partner. So if you earn less, thst will be your problem. He is not family-minded. He is selfish and sees the kids as your responsibility while he sails on with his career unimpeded..

I don't know how you can bear to even be in the same room as him.

These men never change. It's not even about money, it's a mentality. He has shown you who he is.

I think you need to separate from him. I'm so sorry. Anything is better than being given 'pocket money' like this. No wonder you struggle with depression.

How did you ever agree to this 'allowance' situation???

Please understand how abnormal this is. Most SAHMs have free and equal access to all household money. Why wouldn't they?

Stop saying things like 'well I have no say because I don't earn.' Seriously STOP this now. It's ridiculous.

You are the mother of his two children and looking after HIS other child. You are keeping them safe and alive every day - you deserve his utmost respect.

But men like this will never get it. You shouldn't even need to explain - if he doesn't see this instinctively, it's not worth it. He is destined to be alone as no woman would abide this.

I'm sorry but this has to stop today. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Do you want them growing up in a financially abusive household? You can go back to work, sure, but he won't change. He will never share with the mother of his children. That is a sad and appalling model for children - they will know and it's damaging.

OP I’m really sorry you are in this position. Your husband as PP have said is seeing you as solely responsible for the children, but they are equally yours. If you return to work he should pay for childcare too- they’re his children. How can he buy himself clothes and not see it’s outrageous that his children don’t have access to healthy food and enriching activities. I’m sorry- it makes him abhorrent. I’m your position, I would be returning to work.

You sound far too passive OP.
You need to tell directly that things need to change. You need to know exactly what’s coming in.
Where does child benefit go?
Does DC1 get child maintenance from the mother?
What exactly does he earn?
What goes into pension and savings?

You need more money for incidental expenses for four people. If there isn’t enough then go back to work.

Do not accept a refusal to discuss. He is treating you like a skivvy. Woman up. How are you going to raise this? You need to make it very clear this is no longer negotiable. Tell him you are in a vulnerable position and unhappy with this patronising treatment. He can trust you and you need to know you can trust him.

This is potentially abuse. It’s certainly not a good partnership. What if you tell him you are not willing ever to have your card declined at the shop again, that he won’t fund his family nor pay for childcare, so you are forced to take two actions. 1. Get some weekend or evening work where he can parent so you can work. 2. Tell all your friends and family you are broke because your dh refuses to share money, so that they know you don’t go out with them because you can’t afford to, not because you don’t want to, and that you value their friendship.

This whole situation is just awful and he's treating you like a household appliance.

As you're a sahp to all his children (inc one that isn't yours) the money he earns should be split 50/50 after all the household bills have been paid.

He can't refuse to pay the childcare they are HIS children. Well he can, but I'd consider that a divorce making decision.