SAHP, money issues

@Belling112 you should talk to close friends and family in real life about this, are you isolated? Trying to understand how you ended up here.

I can't imagine my mum thinking it was alright if my dh told me to stay at home and not buy food unless she knew we all knew that we were broke and struggling to make ends meet.

The not being able to afford transport to see friends and family too...

This is awful, I hope you can claw back some autonomy. Since he’s unwilling to discuss or disclose anything, I think you need to seek help from Women’s Aid at this stage. Find out what you can do without his permission (eg get child benefit paid to you). Once you’re back at work you should leave. He’s shown you who he is. He’s controlling you while you’re vulnerable.

If he won't share his income and family outgoings with you, then you should go back to work. You need to protect yourself here as he clearly won't.

Why though did you not know you didn't have enough money if the money is being "sent" to your account? I get that he isn't giving you enough money, but if you're not actually aware of what you're spending, then I'm sure there is an argument for you taking that responsibility? Do you not have online banking to check?

Yeah, I no longer think whether he can afford more is the point - he's taken the child benefit for your kids, and, you have no understanding of the family finances.

I'd not have agreed to this, I don't think most of us would.

Why has he have to give you money? Isn't the money he makes for all of you? Are you an adult? Then why does he seem to think you're unable to reason or discern in matters of money? You shouldn't be given an allowance: you should have full access to the family money. He contributes to the family by earning it; you do ALL THE REST. Both adults, reasonable and discerning individuals, each contributing to the family as a whole. Things are so much easy and enjoyable when spouses cooperate!

It sounds difficult to guage exactly how unreasonable that amount is. It really depends on what he earns.
I would be very wary of being married to someone who refuses to disclose basic information relating to the family finances, his salary and outgoings being key examples.
He sounds quite rigid in his thinking, and dismissive of you as an equal partner.
This for me would be waving red flags about like crazy. I think you need to insist of seeing how much he has each month and what it's being spent on. He cannot dictate to you so specifically while withholding important information.
As soon as you can, are you planning on returning to work? At least that way you'll have your own source of income.
But I have to say your husband sounds a bit controlling. Even if he genuinely cannot afford to give more than 250, he's not being transparent.

The whole point of child benefit is that it's paid to the main carer @Belling112 - wow. Can't believe you've accepted this.

@Belling112 you really need to get the child benefit transferred into your name. You are the children's primary carer. In the UK, claiming Child Benefit automatically gives parents and carers National Insurance credits (NICs) towards their State Pension. You might not qualify for a state pension if you haven't paid enough contributions. Then you'll be fucked financially in your later years as well.

Please, if you do nothing else, get the child benefit put into your name for your two DC. Even if his income means you don’t receive the money. You need the NI years.

He is financially abusive.
When I was a SHM, we had a joint account into which £1000 (several years ago) was paid for shopping for me and dc. And whenever I said the amount needed to go up it did, no problem.

I would suggest you look to return your work sooner rather than later.

And I would be looking to make him an Ex.

You need to start contributing to the household bills. Your DH is responsible for every single expense. Maybe £250 is all there is to spare for unnecessary expenses. .

The more you say @Belling112 the harder it is to read your thread.

Your husband is abusing you. It's coercive control. And as such, you'll get legal aid to divorce him.

You must have some idea how much he earns?

He's financially abusing you. He's keeping you skint and making it impossible for you to work because he refuses to pay for childcare. He's also making it impossible for you to leave him.

I imagine that your current situation contributes to your poor mental health. It's like you are trapped.

I think you need to talk to womans aid and work on an exit strategy. You can't live like this.

Do you know why he split up with the mother of your dsc op?

But you shouldn’t have to ask for permission or the money- you are his partner. You are neither his child nor his employee.
This is not budgeting, this is financial control.

This

He sounds abusive & controlling op. He keeps you short of money, he could transfer child benefit to you,thinks you don't need to leave the house, has effectively cut you off from your friends.
Contact Women's Aid about getting support & confide in a friend or family.

Look at getting back to work too to give you financial independence. How old are your children?

@Itsdefinitelytimeforanamechange Don't apologise, it's good to hear of other people's situations, whether well off or poor. Especially as we (and OP it seems), don't know OPs husband's financial position!

Good point. Your not contributing to a private pension via a workplace and im guessing not your NI contribution either which will affect your government pension. You need to start to take control of your situation. I couldn’t live without my independence/financial independence x

You are being financially abused and controlled op.

As you can't seem to see this, I would suggest a call to woman's aid.

What you need to do in your situation is

1. Get back to work
2. Get a divorce

How much roughly do you think he earns eg is he minimum wage or a big earner £80k+? We need to know really to advice so we can work out whats fair.

so you can keep track of your money with a clear view, download a banking app so you can see, before you go out how much you have to avoid that situation again. Im sorry that happened to you

personally, i would look to get yourself back to work 16 hrs. Id, in all honesty, look to leave him. Youll be much better off as a single parent. You are pretty much anyway. Get that child benefit changed back to your account. Go online and do it

you need a plan and to get your 🦆 in a row x

I would suggest getting a part time job either evenings or his days off. Make him look after all the kids, he will probably change his tune after a couple of weekends alone with them lol

you Are losing pension years here OP …..that CB needs to be claimed by you…..and that money available to you…..do it today