SAHP, money issues

He is financially abusing you. The money he earns is not HIS money, it is the familys money when one person is a stay-at-home-parent. The money is there to support you all, equally. As it is now you are his live-in maid and nanny with benefits. And your salary is £250.

Why's you not buy a house before giving up your job to have kids? It's more difficult to do after.

How come he receives the child benefit for his child? Does the child live with you? Wheres mum in all this? Be interested to hear about their relationship/reasons why they split up (his truth and THE truth)

this all might come as shocking to you op. It does sound like hes cut you off from friends, family and hes got you struggling along on £250 a month with no independence. Please call Womens Aid just to chat it all through and they will give you professional advice to move forwards

The child benefit is £224 pm, he's giving you £25 out of his wage!!
Surely you know what he earns, this is no way to live.
I'd pack up and leave.

You're being financially abused. Your partner either doesn't trust you with the joint finances or he doesn't want you to see how much he earns (and therefore spends), both of these are totally unacceptable in a partnership with children. You are caring for his kids, as he won't pay for childcare, therefore his job is to support you all. £250 simply is not enough when children deserve to leave the house and learn about the world around them (these things cost money!) Has he ever tried to spend a day in the house with the kids without going out? It's hell especially if you don't have much space and they are particularly little.

He views you as inferior-if my partner ever suggested I need to budget more because my card declined trying to support our kids I'd hit the roof. Life is expensive sometimes. It doesn't sound like you are being frivolous or selfish. He's infantilising you. Unfortunately it would have been a good idea to discuss all this before the children were born so you knew you were on the same page and that he wasn't going to put conditions on his support but it's too late now-still a conversation needs to be had around why he has a mistrust of you.

Take him at his word that you need to budget. You need a household/family budget. Suggest you do it together one evening.

List everything coming in, including child benefit.
What needs to come out (bills, car/petrol, kids stuff, food, etc)
Decide what pot things should come out (kids clubs, snacks, clothes from the child benefit for example)
What’s missing? Particularly if you’re not getting the child benefit, you need regular monthly savings into a private pension. Savings account for a rainy day? Savings pot for household repairs etc?

See where that leaves you. If he won’t cooperate then I’m afraid he’s being financially abusive and you’ll need to leave him and go back to work to gain any autonomy over your finances.

She wants to work. He is refusing to pay for / towards childcare. He is forcing her into a position that she has to stay at home. The childcare costs for two children and cost associated with work like travel, uniform/ clothing would probably leave her with nothing left over.

He is claiming the child benefit so she doesn't even get her national insurance stamp.

He isn't transparent about their financial position. She doesn't know know much he earns and he set the allowance amount.

He is absolutely financially abusing her.

She does want a magic money tree. She wants a partner.

£250 is nothing nowadays especially if you are paying some bills out of it and if you don’t get child benefit for any of the children’s expenses

@Viviennemary
Did you completely miss the ops posts where she details that he buys himself plenty of things like phones and clothes which she has no money for? Or the bit that the child benefit goes in to his account? Or the bit that the op has no idea how much he earns?

You need to be getting the child benefit so that you are keeping up your NI contributions!
Pointless it going to him

My DH is SAHD and all our money is shared and visible

You are currently being financially abused. He doesn't respect you enough to have a sensible discussion

You need to consider going back to work part-time

D

It seems that's the financial control your husband exerts is just the tip
of the iceberg. I would be reevaluating the whole 'relationship' if I were you OP.

@Viviennemary She cant do paid work because DH won't contribute to the cost of childcare.

OP get your autonomy back.

Get back to work.

The most important thing for women is financial independence.

He then sorts his DC and you split the childcare costs.

He is taking the piss.

This in spades.

Just seen that it's paid to your husband. This is wrong on all levels. As others have said please get this changed today as it will affect your pension later.

When Child Benefit was bought in in the current manner, wasn't it Barbara Castle who insisted it be paid to the mother? Precisely so that women in just @Belling112 's position wouldn't be left in this dependency on an abusive man.

Well, he's done well finding someone who voluntarily walked into slavery.

Honestly I would be so annoyed that I would rather divorce and go on benefits (temporarily) than allow myself to be degraded like this any longer.

The fact that he won't disclose his financial arrangements is a massive red flag.

He could be earning thousands and putting it all away so you don't know about it or he could be drowning in credit card debt

It's abusive.

Get a job, get legal advice, consider leaving him.

I’m a SAHM at the moment but I have full access to our finances and know what is coming in and out each month. DH owns a business so we tend to discuss it a lot as some months are better than others and as I mainly deal with the household stuff, some months we have higher expenses for birthdays/christmas/seasonal clothes etc.

I have a budgeted amount paid into my account each month which is what I use for the food shopping, days out and general day to day stuff. We stick an agreed amount into savings and the rest (bar a nominal amount for DH to spend on whatever) goes into the joint account to cover the mortgage and bills. I’ll take more out the joint account though if I ever need to though and I don’t feel bad but if I have to regularly go in then we can review how much my budget is and to increase if needed.

I would not be happy with your current set up at all and as others have said, it is financial abuse. My DH would be mortified if he heard my card had got declined in a shop for food and would take it as a personal failing on his part rather than berating me for not budgeting properly.

Do you not receive the child benefit into your account and is it not in your name?

If he won't tell you how much he earns, which is bizzare in any case, you could find out ball park figure on a site like this, won't be totally accurate but will give you an idea.
https://www.totaljobs.com/salary-checker/salary-calculator

Sorry you are going through this OP. As PP have said, the child benefit should be in your name, you are the main carer. Was it your DPs idea to put it in his name?

This is probably all a shock to you op, so you may need some time to absorb.

At a guess - did he love bomb you, then you move in together very quickly, did you start caring for his child very quickly, and have your own too. If you did, I'm afraid this is textbook, and it happens far far too often.

This you need to change. You are loosing your entitlement to state pension whilst he is claiming the child benefits. You can absolutely claim separately for your child and absolutely need to. (Even if the abuser reduces your allowance by the amount as a result).