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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHP, money issues

545 replies

Belling112 · 04/09/2024 20:37

So I'm just wondering if I'm the one being unreasonable in this:

I gave up a job I loved to start a family with my husband. I have a DSC and we share 2 young DC. He pays for everything- rent bills, grocery shopping, and doesn't really consider me in discussion around family finances. He'll book a trip for us without first discussing it for example. Our rent is too high and we have a rubbish landlord so I've suggested relocating to a cheaper area. I also make suggestions re getting on property ladder, but nothing I say is really seriously considered (probably because I'm not working and not directly contributing to family finances).

So every month he sends me £250. Around half of this goes on my direct debits (professional fees which I want to keep paying since I do plan on returning to work eventually, my phone bill, Netflix). The other half I use for top up grocery shops, buying the odd toy for the babies, visiting cafes and museums with my DSC, public transport. I also spend on my DSC frequently, on stationery and school books. I see a private therapist occasionally. I don't buy clothes, rarely buy toiletries, have stopped gift giving for family and friends, and no longer take trains to catch up with old friends. My life since having kids is unrecognisable to the life I led before, but I've accepted this is the cost of motherhood.

I'm finding 250 just isn't enough, but my husband just tells me I need to budget better, and that it isn't always necessary to leave the house (and incur costs). It's a source of conflict for us every month when the money runs out. Yesterday I was at a discount supermarket buying some fresh fruit and snacks for the family, and my card got declined. All the children were with me. It was just awful. When I relayed the incident to my husband he just seemed unbothered and told me I needed to budget. But unless I stay at home, I'm not sure how I can make 250 last me a month.

I also must add that I am prepared to go back to work earlier than I had hoped initially, but my DC are too young to be eligible for free childcare and my DH refused to pay for childcare.

AIBU here? How do other SAHPs manage?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
OhWell45 · 05/09/2024 14:48

Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:29

To clarify, he doesn't spend much in himself frequently. If I was working, I'd be spending a lot more in myself. It's more his financial autonomy I resent and envy. He can go to a grocery shop or visit a market and buy whatever he fancies. Whereas I feel constrained and restricted. There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£.

Show quote history

Would he eat in a cafe and buy himself food and not buy anything for you and the kids? Would you be expected to pay for yourself and them while their dad munches away without a care in the world?

Original poster
Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:48

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 14:46

'We'd stopped for lunch after a trip to a museum. I only had £5 cash left (and pennies in my bank account) and my DSC was hungry.'

And he didn't buy his child some food?

My DH wasn't with us, it was just me and the kids.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 14:46

'We'd stopped for lunch after a trip to a museum. I only had £5 cash left (and pennies in my bank account) and my DSC was hungry.'

And he didn't buy his child some food?

Naunet · 05/09/2024 14:46

Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:42

This has been very overwhelming for me. I suppose I started the thread mostly to figure out how other SAHP were managing financially.

Yes I have been passive, and far too tolerant, and perhaps even complicit in my own financial destruction.

I grew up in an abusive environment. My mother was/is being abusived by my father is the most horrific ways, and I was struggling under the weight of expectation to resolve ongoing issues and financially support my family. I've spoken to numerous women's charities on behalf of my mum, dealt with legal aid. I never anticipated the same thing for myself. I clung onto this relationship/my DH as a means of escape.

Thank you all for your responses and advice.

Show quote history

OP, I too had an abusive childhood and let me share one piece of knowledge I’ve gained from it: never, ever expect someone else to save you, learn to save yourself. It’s the most empowering thing you can do.

Fastback · 05/09/2024 14:46

Belling112 · 05/09/2024 10:41

No, because he gets it from my DSC so it was easier for him to get it for my 2 DC

Show quote history

I was thinking it was financial abuse anyway, now I know it is.

Awful, awful man.

EggMay0007 · 05/09/2024 14:46

You must get the child benefit paid in your name, to you.
Because it also pays some National Insurance "stamps" towards your state pension if you are not working, for a certain amount of years.

Original poster
Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:45

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 14:40

'There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£.'

Can you clarify this op? Do you mean you were hungry too and he knew this?

We'd stopped for lunch after a trip to a museum. I only had £5 cash left (and pennies in my bank account) and my DSC was hungry.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 14:44

I wonder then op, if he's not 'as bad' as your father, that it's harder to spot that it's still abusive. Take some time to process this all.

Naunet · 05/09/2024 14:43

Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:31

His ex-wife is a separate thread. She's been emotionally abusive towards my DSC, and she doesn't pay a penny in CMS despite a high flying career.

Show quote history

Why on earth is he not perusing maintenance if money is so tight? I guess he doesn’t care because the costs for his child come from your pocket.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 14:43

'She's been emotionally abusive towards my DSC, and she doesn't pay a penny in CMS despite a high flying career.'

Do you just have his word for this op? For both comments. The second one you can't know for sure as he hides his bank accounts from you.

Original poster
Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:42

YellowAsteroid · 05/09/2024 14:02

This must all be hard to read @Belling112 do please please talk to someone in real life. Your mother, a sister, a friend.

You’re an academic? I assume this means you’re highly qualified and skilled and used to working autonomously in an atmosphere where people respect you.

Your passivity in your posts is really scary. Please talk to someone and get some real life support.

Your husband is abusing you. It’s not your fault.

It’s not your fault.

This has been very overwhelming for me. I suppose I started the thread mostly to figure out how other SAHP were managing financially.

Yes I have been passive, and far too tolerant, and perhaps even complicit in my own financial destruction.

I grew up in an abusive environment. My mother was/is being abusived by my father is the most horrific ways, and I was struggling under the weight of expectation to resolve ongoing issues and financially support my family. I've spoken to numerous women's charities on behalf of my mum, dealt with legal aid. I never anticipated the same thing for myself. I clung onto this relationship/my DH as a means of escape.

Thank you all for your responses and advice.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 14:40

'There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£.'

Can you clarify this op? Do you mean you were hungry too and he knew this?

Kitkat1523 · 05/09/2024 14:40

Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:29

To clarify, he doesn't spend much in himself frequently. If I was working, I'd be spending a lot more in myself. It's more his financial autonomy I resent and envy. He can go to a grocery shop or visit a market and buy whatever he fancies. Whereas I feel constrained and restricted. There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£.

Show quote history

So you sat in a cafe eating nothing cos you had no money….whilst he sat there and fed his face? Is this what you are saying? So what did he say when you asked for money to get a brew and a snack? Did he refuse?

Sartre · 05/09/2024 14:37

Read your posts and he sounds financially abusive to me. He needs to go through CMS to get CM payments from his ex wife and you need to either get a joint account so you both have access to the money or you need to change the child benefit so you receive it.

£250 a month doesn’t go far for anyone, not in the least someone with 3 children to support. The fact your card declined in the supermarket and he blamed you for not managing the pittance he gives you each month is just awful. He should want you all to be supported well, he definitely shouldn’t want his children to struggle in any way.

Mrsttcno1 · 05/09/2024 14:34

Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:33

I will look into free childcare options again. The last time I checked I was not eligible for it due to my DC's ages. Thanks

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How old are they?

As of Sept 2024 children 9 months and over are eligible for 15 free hours a week, next year that increases again to 30 hours so it’s definitely worth checking

Original poster
Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:33

Mrsttcno1 · 05/09/2024 14:04

OP needs support from Womens Aid at a minimum, because yes unfortunately he does hold the strings right now.

How do you think that looks in practice? He’s going to leave for work in the morning and she does… what? Just leave as well and leave the kids? She could, but I can’t imagine she would.

Fighting petty is pointless and also dangerous here while OP has no access to money or any financial independence.

Depending on the age of the children from this month all kids 9mnths+ can get 15 hours free. That would at least allow for some part time work to have some of her own money to start putting to one side.

It’s an awful situation, but approaching it in this way with tit for tat is not going to end well for OP.

Show quote history

I will look into free childcare options again. The last time I checked I was not eligible for it due to my DC's ages. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:31

YellowAsteroid · 05/09/2024 14:04

I am imagining his ex wife was gaslighted to fuck about her ability to mother. Bullying happens in so many ways

Show quote history

His ex-wife is a separate thread. She's been emotionally abusive towards my DSC, and she doesn't pay a penny in CMS despite a high flying career.

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 05/09/2024 14:30

Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:29

To clarify, he doesn't spend much in himself frequently. If I was working, I'd be spending a lot more in myself. It's more his financial autonomy I resent and envy. He can go to a grocery shop or visit a market and buy whatever he fancies. Whereas I feel constrained and restricted. There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£.

Show quote history

Have you suggesting a joint account?

Original poster
Belling112 · 05/09/2024 14:29

IVFmumoftwo · 05/09/2024 14:03

Doubt it if he is buying himself nice things.

Show quote history

To clarify, he doesn't spend much in himself frequently. If I was working, I'd be spending a lot more in myself. It's more his financial autonomy I resent and envy. He can go to a grocery shop or visit a market and buy whatever he fancies. Whereas I feel constrained and restricted. There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 05/09/2024 14:23

Naunet · 05/09/2024 14:12

How do you think that looks in practice? He’s going to leave for work in the morning and she does… what? Just leave as well and leave the kids? She could, but I can’t imagine she would.

Exactly so how does she work?! Does he sound like man on the bones of his arse desperate for his wife to financially contribute, or does he sound like an abusive prick? I’m not suggesting tit for tat by the way, I’m simply pointing out that he doesn’t actually hold all the power here, and OP does have choices, no matter how unattractive they may be.

I do agree that Womens Aid would be a good start though OP.

Show quote history

As I say Womens Aid first, 15hrs free childcare depending on age of children would be a start, I think OP mentioned her mum doing some childcare initially so that could be an option for a day short term.

Womens Aid can provide better support but what OP needs is some financial independence so that hopefully she is able to make steps, get ducks in a row, and get out.

As an aside OP at a very minimum you really need to get the child benefit in your name. If he is working then he already gets his NI, claiming the child benefit will give you yours, so it’s far more useful for you to have in your name than it is for him to have it in his name.

OhWell45 · 05/09/2024 14:20

Belling112 · 05/09/2024 13:31

I actually did a bit of work immediately after DC were born (8 weeks after in fact). I got my mum to look after the kids, but after paying for my own transport, and my mum's transport, I was pocketing very little.

We broached the topic again recently. I had an offer of work (I work in academia) and I found a lady I was comfortable to be left with my kids, we met, I let her know about DC's routine etc, but try as I may, my DH just refused to fund the costs.

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You H is abusing you. He is controling you.
The only way out of this is to leave him. You need to remove his control and his power over you. You will be a single mum with 2 children but at least you'll choose what you eat, where you go and how you spend your money I imagine you already do all the cleaning, cooking and childcare so that won't make any difference to you. I don't think you will be any worse off financially. You will be able to apply for UC, get the child benifit it your name and he can pay for childs maintenance. Check on turn to us and see what support you can get. You can look at what rent is and just do a mock calculation to give you an idea. Also look at the rules for free childcare. It's changes depending on your circumstances.

Does he use your MH against you? Is he suggesting he will get full custody or you are unfit to look after them. Remember, these suggestions reflect badly on him. If you are not well enough to look after the kids then he has a responsibility to safeguard them. You are their primary caregiver and he's even entrusting you with his other child (who he can sort out childcare for once you leave him, don't get sucked into that).

No man more in love than one that wants someone to parent their child and take on their responsibility. I imagine he will pick up someone else very quickly.

IVFmumoftwo · 05/09/2024 14:17

YellowAsteroid · 05/09/2024 14:08

OP wrote:

but does on occasions splash out on numerous pieces if clothing, and a new phone

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So it is okay for him to stop her going out or refusing to help pay for childcare for his kids?

Naunet · 05/09/2024 14:12

Mrsttcno1 · 05/09/2024 14:04

OP needs support from Womens Aid at a minimum, because yes unfortunately he does hold the strings right now.

How do you think that looks in practice? He’s going to leave for work in the morning and she does… what? Just leave as well and leave the kids? She could, but I can’t imagine she would.

Fighting petty is pointless and also dangerous here while OP has no access to money or any financial independence.

Depending on the age of the children from this month all kids 9mnths+ can get 15 hours free. That would at least allow for some part time work to have some of her own money to start putting to one side.

It’s an awful situation, but approaching it in this way with tit for tat is not going to end well for OP.

Show quote history

How do you think that looks in practice? He’s going to leave for work in the morning and she does… what? Just leave as well and leave the kids? She could, but I can’t imagine she would.

Exactly so how does she work?! Does he sound like man on the bones of his arse desperate for his wife to financially contribute, or does he sound like an abusive prick? I’m not suggesting tit for tat by the way, I’m simply pointing out that he doesn’t actually hold all the power here, and OP does have choices, no matter how unattractive they may be.

I do agree that Womens Aid would be a good start though OP.