SAHP, money issues

so mum of SC does not see the child? At all? Why? This all a bit odd and im questioning your H over this given hes abusibg you financially. M

childcare is both your costs. Surely returning to work for mental health needs is the best thing for you? Hes not supportive. Id really be pushing this op. What is his job if you dont mind me asking. Dont go into detail just vague job title.

It’s coercive behaviour to make sure she stays at home. She has absolutely no idea how much he earns or what the expenses are.

Well if they both work, all expenses should be shared so if OP pays childcare and he pays rent, bills and food I can’t see a problem with that unless there’s a gigantic income disparity.

Are you making this up? This is obviously not ok behaviour on his part.

Take a packed lunch with you. I have 4dc and have to do this routinely for day trips. Too expensive otherwise. Always plan ahead and you will never have hungry DC when out and about!!

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Your husband doesn't understand that a marriage is a partnership, and it's utter madness (not to mention financial abuse) to keep half the team in the dark about finances. It's not normal or acceptable, and you shouldn't be living life like this: It's very short, and you need to advocate for both you and your kids. I wish you the absolute best of luck, but please, please stop cowing yourself for a man not giving you the respect that you deserve as a wife AND a human being.

Op your DH basically just gives you the child benefit for the month of the 3 children!

I am very uncomfortable with the idea of you having an allowance like a child, rather than access to joint funds. And even if this is a system you are happy with, the amount you receive should be arrived at by discussion; what are your monthly needs? How much does this actually come to? How much can he reasonably afford to set aside for this? It's very concerning that you are being kept in the dark about his finances. I don't know where you live, but £250 would get me absolutely nowhere and I am really not a big spender.

Yes, he is earning the money - but you are still working. He is only able to do the job that he does because you are a SAHP. And if staying at home all day is impacting your mental health, then getting out and about isn't a frivolous "want" - it's a need.

You need to have a proper discussion about all this and make it very clear that this cannot continue.

Your problem is that if you’re out of the workplace too long, it’s very difficult to get back in at the same level. Even part time work, even if childcare costs are barely covered, you need to keep a foot in the door of your career.

Your H wants you at home because then he’s in control of you as well as the money. Beware though- men like this often demand an equal financial contribution from their wives/ partners once the children no longer need full time childcare.

The problem with you paying for all childcare while he pays for everything else means that he retains control. I’m sure you’d be happy for a fair split of finances once you earn again, as long as it’s joint decision making .

It’s worth checking what’s available in terms of support if you were to separate. Do you actually live this man? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

I was a sahm and we had a joint account. I had full access to all family money.

Obviously we discussed large purchases, and I was sensible with the spending, but we viewed my DH salary as our joint income.

OP you have no idea if the £250 from your DH is all he can afford or if he’s got thousands in disposable income for himself every month! You need to know that!!

To be honest I think either way you need to go back to work

@Belling112 How expensive is childcare in your area? If you took on that expense yourself, is that equal to the cost of accommodation and everything else he currently pays for? If so, I’d let him continue being the breadwinner he wants to be but make it clear I’m working too, even if it means he’s at home at weekends alone with the kids.

Well that makes much more sense.

Your husband should absolutely be giving you extra money during the holidays to account for the fact that you’re looking after his child and entertaining him. It’s not fair for that to fall on you.

I don’t know how other SAHPs manage to be honest, we can’t afford it. I assume that they either have very wealthy partners or they budget very carefully. All I meant was that lots of people (especially at the moment, sadly) have limited funds at certain times of the month so have to plan our days out accordingly. It just sounded a bit like you might be doing what I am absolutely guilty of, which is spending more money than I should on nice things for DD and basically telling myself that didn’t count as ‘spending’ because it was on nice stuff for her during our time together.

I think I, like someone above, might have detracted from the fact that your husband is behaving appallingly towards you though, so I apologise for that. It wasn’t my intention.

I don't think the people who find this hard to understand actually pay thier own bills. After paying high rent food shopping, utilities etc there may not be much left over.

You know what? Normally I ignore your misogynistic comments. I just assume everyone knows you support #TeamWanker and they move on. But on this thread is very clear OP is being financially abused. Very clear. And your comments are hurting her ability to see the situation for what it is.

Please take your musings to different threads where they are less damaging.

For the millionth time: her DH doesn't want her to work, doesn't see childcare as a joint expense, is opaque about his income, gives her less than it costs to pay for HIS child, and takes and CB. Regardless of what he earns, this is abusive.

Surely if you’ve only got £5 left in your bank account then you don’t go out for the day and then stop for lunch in a cafe? You either take sandwiches/snacks with you or you tell DSC that you will be eating at home? That applies whether you work or not.

Your husband sounds like a controlling arse, but it does also sound like you’re not budgeting for your days out very well. I work part time and I (unfortunately!) don’t have unlimited money to spend during my time with DD, so some weeks we have more exciting days out than others. How old is DSC, are they are home with you during the day too?

Ok OP so let me get this straight.
You are caring for the DSC, are funding him and DC and you out of your meagre pot you are given.

The ex is not paying CMS? Are you absolutely sure of that? If she has a career she should be.

Yes you should get your autonomy back by going back to work

You have a negotiation point here. You are saying he won't pay anything, well you then tell him you are no longer doing any care for his DC. None. He will have to work that out unless you work out a shared care schedule that enables you to go back to work.

Stick to your guns OP, tell him it's over unless you are able to get back to work.

You haven't got any spending money because you don't earn anything. A lot of folk who go out to work and pay bills have no money left for spending on coffees and days out.

You need to go back to work. If he’s paying all outgoings then you can pay childcare from your salary. He needs to pay for his own child obviously. While you might not have loads left, it’s still worth it and you will have more than £250. Eventually costs will drop too. This seems quite financially abusive but he probably thinks he’s being generous. You definitely need the CB too because once that’s added in, he’s not actually giving you much at all, if anything, if he’s pocketing it.

What does he do for a job as this can help us gauge what sort of salary he is on? If he’s on 45k in London and paying high rent then maybe 250 is all he can afford. If he’s on 70k, it’s a different story and you still need to be given access to funds or a credit card that he pays off. He sounds like a knob for the most part.

It was OP in a cafe with the kids. She’s saying she got her DSS lunch with her last £5, not that the DH sits and eats lunch in front of her.

First priority is to get the CB for your children paid into your account. You need it for NI.

You need to get back into work . Your H is proving that he won’t share and won’t support you. Look long term. Even if childcare costs are a struggle now, you need to find a way for it to work, because career options don’t remain open forever.

To be blunt, it sounds like your husband wanted free childcare for his child and is punishing you for daring to have ideas above your station. You have to be prepared to become totally independent. If you were to separate, he’d have to figure out childcare for DSC.

For a marriage to work, there needs to be honesty .