SAHP, money issues

You clearly haven't read my posts. Or your comprehension is zero ...

Maybe he should let her work then?

Try not to condone financial abuse.

Bloody hell. You'd be better off leaving him - literally. You'd be able to claim universal credit, he'd have to pay child maintenance, you'd be able to access funded nursery hours.

OP, things must be really really bad if you honestly think that £62.50 a week is an acceptable amount of money for you to live on, and out of that you are funding all of the kids' activities including for your step-son?

I rarely say this but you need to leave this controlling prick. I am a sahm. My husband gave me full access to all of his account, plus credit cards. He has never once questioned my spending and would be mortified if he ever thought that I was worrying about whether or not I could buy myself a treat, never mind buying the children a snack when we are out!

This is financial abuse and I would urge you to speak to someone about it. Hopefully another poster can recommend someone to talk to - I am overseas so can’t help. You are welcome to PM me if you just need a hand hold though.

I am so very cross and upset on your behalf!

Indeed. But her husband is gaslighting her and exercising a rather scary level of coercive control through money.

This thread is reminding me of a relationship I had where my ex was devoted to saying No.

Until you’ve been stonewalled like that by someone that you have the misfortune to love, you don’t know the utterly implacable power of No in a relationship. It’s horrible.

And there’s very little you can do to counter it, other than withdraw. (Or maybe it was just me not knowing how to counter a stonewalling No?) I left, but there were no children involved and I had more money than him actually.

@SleepPrettyDarling I agree. But surely she must have known his salary before agreeing to become a SAHM? Otherwise how could she know it was a financially viable option or weigh up if she felt it was going to be manageable?

The problem is she has no visibility on what he can afford, and no agency to have a say in how the household costs are managed.

@YellowAsteroid But what if he genuinely can't afford to give her more than £250 a month once all bills etc paid?
If money is indeed tight wouldn't OP be better going to work too so they can both financially support their children?

That’s still no reason to treat @Belling112 in the way he’s behaving @Youthiswastedontheyoung If money is tight, that’s all the more reason to approach budgeting, earning, and family costs as an equal partnership.

No matter what his salary is, he’s being abusive.

Re your husband's salary - he must be on less than £60k if he's receiving CB and not paying back any. And that's the very most he can be earning. £50k before April of this year.
Best case scenario even that is not a huge salary to be supporting a family of 5 on.

OP - if you could go back to work tomorrow would you? Because as an adult you absolutely should be able to. It is not up to your husband to dictate to you that you should be a SAHM.
Tbh I would never choose to become a SAHM within a marriage, even if my husband was a millionaire. I think it creates far too much of a potentially horrendous power imbalance.

No of course it isn’t. Try reading posts.

Very possibly. But she'll be no worse off than now, but plus get her pension credits, and a sliver of control.

You desperately need the support of Women's aid.
You are being controlled and financially abused, coercively controlled by being denied the ability to work, and used for free childcare whilst he pockets child benefit.

These are crimes.
Spell them out to Women's aid and ask for advice and support.

You poor woman, you deserve so much better.

I think we need to be realistic , that if OP gets the CB, her DH will stop the £250

Also @Belling112 I don't think it's good in this context context to buy dsc food in a cafe and not your other two or yourself, I'd make sure this didn't happen again.

You're engaged a bad dynamic where you are martyring yourself - I do understand how, I feel when we have children we are very at risk of unconsciously repeating patterns and need to make an effort to break free.

And it sounds as though your 'd' h has no real idea of what a healthy relationship looks like, no good template.

Some how, some way, you must get the child benefit.
I absolutely get the problem of dc dad refusing to pay for childcare. My exh told me point blank he wasn't paying towards it, if I wanted to work ft I was paying for childcare. No bending, no compromise, no negotiating.

Could you explore the chance of getting a weekend job, an evening job, an online job?
I got a two evenings a week shelf stacking job. He sulked that he couldn't go to the pub but liked me bringing in a little extra money.
Would your dh like the idea of you being a little more independant financially? Could you sell it to him as a good thing for everyone?

👹 ⚠️ 📢 🚨 ⚠️

Don't fall for it @MrsTerryPratchett

Yes but if I were OP I’d call his bluff and say yes I will pay for the childcare from my salary and he can continue paying rent and bills and food. She needs to go back to work anyway to get away from this twat - I doubt he will change his ways.

he should be paying 100% of the childcare for your step-child and then you should be splitting the cost for the remaining children proportionally. He should be doing all the drop off and pickups for your step-child and half for your shared children. This formula goes on and on.

now you can adjust this strict rule, by him financially compensating you to make up for the long term damage you are incurring to your career by doing more than your share. This is what many couples end up doing because it is more practical. It is why when my husband got a huge bonus at work, I was the one who got a fancy new car. Our money is completely shared because it’s the only real way to compensate me for my years of taking on more responsibility for our child, even with me now working.

The more you write, the more the financial abuse becomes clear. This situation could resolve, but he needs to have a huge reawakening and it needs to happen quickly.

you are absolutely correct that the problem is autonomy. You both should have the same freedom and the same degree of choice. You should have the same voice in financial decisions. If he won’t open up the books today, give you full access to all the accounts, and change how things are run, then you really need to start planning to leave.

You don’t have to tell him your plans. I wouldn’t say a word until the day you are ready to leave immediately.

It is completely unreasonable. They are both your children. It is both your responsibility to pay for the childcare for them. You should be splitting your costs in proportion to your relative wages once you start working again. So if you earn say 30% of the total household income, you pay 30% of the childcare costs. And it could be argued that you should pay absolutely nothing at all for the childcare (afterschool, holiday camp etc) for the DSC.

@Belling112

"To clarify, he doesn't spend much in himself frequently. If I was working, I'd be spending a lot more in myself. It's more his financial autonomy I resent and envy. He can go to a grocery shop or visit a market and buy whatever he fancies. Whereas I feel constrained and restricted. There have been times I've sat with my DSC and just watched him eat in a café when I knew I was down to mu last 5£."

He ate in front of you and your kids while you didn't get to have anything?

Absolutely.
It definitely isn't your fault OP.

You need to take action and soon.