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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is asking a lot?!

159 replies

Foodfrezy · 03/09/2024 20:51

Person A works 10 hours a day and drives.

Person B works 2 hours a day but doesn’t not drive.

B would like A to come and collect them after work several times a week, visit a family member and then drop them home.

This will be a 40 mile round trip for A in the evening after work when they’re tired (not to mention the extra time and petrol costs).

A said they can’t do this several times a week after work due to the time/cost etc

B is not happy about this. Due to the countryside location, B’s only other option is a taxi which they cannot afford. B says they cannot work more due to their mental health but because they’re self employed what they can claim via universal credit is very limited.

YABU: A should do the 40 mile round trip for B a few times a week

YANBU: B needs to fit in with when A feels able to do the 40 mile round trip or make their own arrangements to see family member.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 03/09/2024 22:10

This is a no, I’m too tired after a 10 hour day, please stop asking. If it mattered that much you’d move house (or work more).

and mute them if they don’t let up.

whippetwoman · 03/09/2024 22:08

I would explain to B that the stress of working a long day and then the dread of having to drive another 40 miles is affecting YOUR mental health and you will need to step back for that reason and you are sure they will understand given their own struggles...

Noshowlomo · 03/09/2024 22:04

First of all you say 40 mile trip 2 times a week will cost a lot in petrol. I would have been working 10 hours so shattered, would you want me to fall asleep at the wheel?
Then ask.. why is this my responsibility?

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 03/09/2024 22:04

B needs to move.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/09/2024 22:03

Oh come on op. Tell your sibling to GTF, they are taking the piss!

Arlanymor · 03/09/2024 22:00

Ironically my CF sibling's name begins with a B, so I am just substituting her name in the updates and it all just chimes @Foodfrezy !

Tell B that they need to be responsible for their own social engagements and arrangements - whether within the family or elsewhere - which includes sorting out their own logistics to get from... well A to B, but you know what I mean!

My CF gets a lift to life or death situations - the last time I drove her was to a family funeral - but other than that she can find her own way. I've spent enough of my life compensating for her inability to stop relying on the kindness of others.

Drizzlethru · 03/09/2024 21:59

B can relocate nearer said family member as obviously lives alone, otherwise would ask their partner to drive B, problem solved.

LikeWeUsedToBe · 03/09/2024 21:58

I would do this for my sister who has been there for me through some horrible times and supported me in so many ways. She's done more for me than a normal sibling would, she's done more for me than our parents if I'm honest. I would do it for her because if she had MH issues it would be new and the visits may help her get better. I would do anything to help her get better because shes more than earnt it and the relationship should be equal where I've always been the one taking if I'm honest. I have good relationships with other siblings but I'd not do this for them. One sibling who is the golden child and expects the world to revolve around them would get nothing from me and then I'd face the parental disappointment and judgment I get the feeling you are being subjected to to be asking this question here. When you are never as good as your sibling in your parents eyes nothing you can do will change that but it can cost you your own good mental health trying. So unless this sibling has put similar effort into supporting you then it would be a firm no from me they can sort themselves out

museumum · 03/09/2024 21:58

Person B needs to live somewhere in a public transport network.
it’s perfectly reasonable not to drive but not if you live rurally. No winder their mh is shot if they’re stuck at home unable to go anywhere.

LongTimeReading · 03/09/2024 21:57

GloriousGoosebumps · 03/09/2024 21:57

If B is only working 2 hours a day, why can't s/he work from 8 am - 10 am and then take public transport? It would presumably be a lengthy journey but s/he clearly has a lot of free time each day.

Even if B worked 12 hours a day, it's still a huge ask of anyone.

GloriousGoosebumps · 03/09/2024 21:57

If B is only working 2 hours a day, why can't s/he work from 8 am - 10 am and then take public transport? It would presumably be a lengthy journey but s/he clearly has a lot of free time each day.

UhHuhHuH · 03/09/2024 21:56

LongTimeReading · 03/09/2024 21:55

😁

Edited
Show quote history

Answer = no

Original poster
Foodfrezy · 03/09/2024 21:55

UhHuhHuH · 03/09/2024 21:52

40 miles is - well miles! Even on a motorway that’s a decent trip. In a rural area how long is that time wise?

Does B have comprehension difficulties generally?

Edited

No none! He is just a CF 😂

OP posts:
LongTimeReading · 03/09/2024 21:55

RampantIvy · 03/09/2024 21:52

A + B / C = D where X = 3 and Y = 4

Just state who A and B are!

😁

UhHuhHuH · 03/09/2024 21:53

RampantIvy · 03/09/2024 21:52

A + B / C = D where X = 3 and Y = 4

Just state who A and B are!

😂

Where b=cf and distance = 40m

RampantIvy · 03/09/2024 21:52

A + B / C = D where X = 3 and Y = 4

Just state who A and B are!

UhHuhHuH · 03/09/2024 21:52

40 miles is - well miles! Even on a motorway that’s a decent trip. In a rural area how long is that time wise?

Does B have comprehension difficulties generally?

3luckystars · 03/09/2024 21:50

Once a week MAYBE aid A actually wanted to spend the time with B, a set day. That’s it.

we have a name in Ireland for B, it’s a ‘Me feiner’ it means they think only about themselves and don’t care about anyone else.

Don’t be bullied.

BlueMum16 · 03/09/2024 21:49

Foodfrezy · 03/09/2024 21:14

They don’t need to commute to work, this is a social visit to see a family member they want driving to!

Show quote history

Can family member not travel to B if they want to see each other?

Person A does not need to facilitate these visits. Only exception would be if someone was ill and in hospital and as a one off visit might be reasonable.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2024 21:49

B needs to learn that they cease to be the golden child when the parents are no longer around to facilitate it. A doesn't have to 'carry on the tradition' and is entitled to tell B and anyone else hassling her (or him) to GTF.

A is also entitled to go LC/NC if this is affecting his/her mental health or wellbeing.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2024 21:48

Exercise is great for MH issues, perhaps they could walk/cycle, you could be generous and gift them a pair of skates for Christmas?

Allthehorsesintheworld · 03/09/2024 21:47

How does B get to work? Whatever means they use to get there they can use to get home, can’t they?
And if they want to see another relative or friend then use bus, train, cycle, meet half way etc.,.

Danikm151 · 03/09/2024 21:45

Look up the bus timetable and forward it on.

BananaGrapeMelon · 03/09/2024 21:43

Just keep saying no OP.

LongTimeReading · 03/09/2024 21:43

Makingchocolatecake · 03/09/2024 21:39

Oh I thought they worked in the countryside place

Show quote history

It would have been much simpler for all our respective mental health for the OP to read:

"I want a relative to take me on a 40 mile round trip, for free, several times a week. AIBU?"

Because that's all that was needed.