Page 5 | My MiL has flounced out of Christmas

Nosurprisetherethen · 04/09/2024 18:00

Haven’t read all the replies. But
maybe she didn’t flounce, maybe they’ve felt awkward over the years you’ve been hosting, just maybe, without realising, they’ve felt “in the way”. Perhaps they’ve been longing for years to get away at Christmas and not come to you. You may think you’re a wonderful hostess but you may just have been sending the wrong vibes. They’re now getting to do what they want at Christmas, and you can too. Why worry it’s a win win

Horses7 · 04/09/2024 17:57

YANBU

MustWeDoThis · 04/09/2024 17:55

ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas · 03/09/2024 17:39

Sorry to mention the Christmas word, but…

I’m kind of annoyed, but I also think it’s funny.

Every blinking year, I have to invited my PIL and extended in-law family for Christmas, and then at least another dinner. MIL is someone who wants everyone together. This usually ends up with me doing a lot of work as they stay over!

There have been a few years I’ve got out of it. Once we went skiing with my DC at Christmas and we got hell over it. So we’ve not done it since.

Over the past few years my DH has been all, “it’s family. It’s just a few days. Christmas is about family”. That’s my MIL talking, not him. He’s been very sentimental over it, and I’ve felt emotionally blackmailed. Basically they all have a lovely time, and my Christmas is shite.

So, a few weeks ago my MIL announced she and FIL aren’t spending Christmas with any of their adult DC or DGC and are going on holiday for 2.5 weeks. It’s basically from a week before Christmas till double digits in Jan.

She’s flounced because she’s in a huff that no one is paying them enough attention, including them etc. She basically has to be the centre of attention, or you are punished. It’s a spiteful move. Her DC will be upset that they aren’t seeing them at Christmas at all. They’ve all got FOG.

On one hand I think it’s hilarious. I even played happy songs and sang along in my car I was so tickled. On the other I’m kind of pissed that I’ve had to suck up crappy Christmas for “family”, forgoing what I want to do (go somewhere Caribbean 😝)

DH mentioned about extended in-law family and Christmas but that’s a big fat NO from me, and I mean it.

I looked at my work schedule for before and after they leave. In Jan I’ll be well back to work and hibernating.

AIBU to go online and book up my early Dec with gorgeous Christmas things to do for us and DC so MIL can not only have her flouncy Christmas holiday, she can whistle for the rest of Dec too?

Congratulations you lucky cow lady. I hope a mince pie repeats on you goes down nicely. 🤣 Seriously, raise a drink for all of us not so lucky.

angela1952 · 04/09/2024 17:38

GaryLurcher19 · 03/09/2024 17:45

YANBU.

It'll be a nice break from the pattern and you would be wise to make the most of it.

You could even not invite them next year now they've set a precedent? Might be best to go away yourself next year so that they can set a precedent up with somebody else!

MouseofCommons · 04/09/2024 14:12

This sounds like a win.

If she does end up coming your DH needs to up his game though.

angeldelite · 04/09/2024 14:02

Another idea I’m toying with is inviting some of DH’s more fun family members and having a riotous party, then sending PIL pictures of the “best Christmas ever”.

You seem determined to make work for yourself.

You could have Christmas with your own family who actually reciprocate instead of inviting DH’s family, as you will be expected to invite his siblings as well.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 04/09/2024 13:51

ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas · 03/09/2024 18:18

I feel like I’ve got the green light to go away for Christmas, so I’ll be doing that next year.

And I would book that now and make sure everybody knows those plans well in advance.

YANBU to book things for your DC, would you not see your DH family for even one day? May not be practical and well, you don’t want to so I suppose it’s a moot point.

Silvers11 · 04/09/2024 13:41

@ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas - you still have time to book up somewhere in the sun over Christmas?

Original poster

ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas · 04/09/2024 13:34

EmeraldRoulette · 03/09/2024 19:37

Blimey

I’m curious, what form does the flouncing take? What kind of attention does she want for simply…going on holiday?

You’d have to know her to get it. My MIL definitely has some very horrible personality traits. They are all terrified of her. She gets her way 99% of the time, and if she doesn’t she’ll punish you. If she said the sky was pink, they’d all agree and you’d get the silent treatment/ your birthday ignored/ bad mouthed to extended family/ cut off for 3 months. Sometimes her DC go against her, and she doesn’t speak to them for months, only finally accepting their grovelling apologies much later.

Think Hyacinth Bucket, but with a very nasty, controlling streak.

Whilst I’m sucked into it at Christmas, I assure you I’m not a walk on part in this drama the rest of it. I learned a while ago from the many MN threads that it’s not my monkey, not my circus, drop the rope and to offer a fait accompli. Thanks ;)

She’s very forceful, insistant about Christmas (arranging it in Sept) and my DH is of the opinion that they are older and not going to be here forever and it’s mean not to spend Christmas with your family. I don’t agree, but sucked it up. She gets very jealous when we host mine once in a blue moon. If I said we just wanted us, DH and DC and I, she would get very upset and there would be phone calls off FIL and siblings saying how upset she was.

She has been off with us, or me I think, for months. Both my PIL are in good health, but she thinks she should be treated like a Queen at her age, and be the first to know and see anything, and be consulted with on very small things. She thinks we should be stressing over her ailments, of which there are many, but none that are serious. If she doesn’t get this off her DC and their families, she creates drama.

I’m pretty sure my MIL’s trip is to spite her DC and their families. And, it’s worked. My DH is cross. I just spoke to him and he stepped out of his chilled box and said, great I don’t want them here, we are doing what we want in future. It got a reaction out of him. I’m pretty sure his siblings feel lost, having had their Christmas autonomy taken away, and now not knowing which end of the turkey to stuff.

Another idea I’m toying with is inviting some of DH’s more fun family members and having a riotous party, then sending PIL pictures of the “best Christmas ever”.

OP posts:

GreatMistakes · 04/09/2024 13:15

If you don't go away next year, you need to find a reason to take to your bed for a few hours before food is served. Menstrual cramps, headache, that sort of thing. Let DH feel the full fun of catering for the 5000. Congratulate him. Tell him you're so pleased and as he did far better than you that from now on he can do the cooking and you'll stick to the drinks so as not to disappoint the guests.

He'll never host again.

gamerchick · 04/09/2024 13:12

Do it.

Then tell your husband that going forward, if he wants to host the big family Christmas then he can do all of the sodden work in future.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/09/2024 13:10

Result!

DeclutteringNewbie · 04/09/2024 13:09

Stop this now, OP. Wasteful, emotional blackmail nonsense.

Original poster

ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas · 04/09/2024 13:05

2Old2Tango · 03/09/2024 20:44

I have a few questions OP.....

Why is it always you hosting? Do you have the biggest house?
How much effort does your DH put in to helping host HIS family?
Do you ever get to see your own family at Christmas?

I too would be booking to go away next year, following MIL lead. If it comes round again that you all have to be together for Christmas (or any other event), then tell DH that someone else can take a turn at hosting, otherwise he'll be doing everything if it's at your house. I bet he'll soon change his tune.

House size sort of irrelevant, but we are the only ones with DC, and when my DC were smaller, I refused to drag them away from our house where Christmas is fun. To be honest my in-laws are a bunch of Christmas humbugs, but expect it to be a massive family affair. I ended up hosting most of the Christmases as they all want to see the DC.
He does a bit of cooking and refills glasses. Apart from this, nothing.
I have 4 siblings and we take it in turn to host them, and they live miles away. My family love Christmas, but there is no pressure to present a happy family front.

TBH it’s been a very long battle to contain their expectations of us at Christmas, with hosting, and presents they expect us to buy middle age siblings and their partners.

OP posts:

Easipeelerie · 03/09/2024 21:09

Unfortunately, she will re-flounce leaving a short confusing period, which will mean that after Christmas she can moan about not being invited.

Putdownthatglassgotoyoga · 03/09/2024 20:54

Make your own Christmas plans somewhere complicated and inaccessible in case she "suddenly" changes her mind closer to the day (well we were thinking of going away but our children were so devastated so we decided to cancel)

it possible this out of character plan is just a manipulative attempt going to cement why no one can ever go away at Christmas. Change the narrative and double down making it look like you thought it was genuine (what a fantastic idea to go away at Christmas, we'll be doing the same from now on!)

PrincessofWells · 03/09/2024 20:50

I'm intending to avoid the whole thing and go away at the beginning of December and back in March 😂

PrincessofWells · 03/09/2024 20:50

I'm intending to avoid the whole thing and go away at the beginning of December and back in March 😂

SockFluffInTheBath · 03/09/2024 20:49

Cherrysoup · 03/09/2024 20:19

Has Dh seriously said he wants to invite extended in laws instead?! Has he really got no clue??

Ah, the waifs and strays MIL normally invites to yours? If he’s desperate I would let him stay at home and host, while me and the DC had a lovely holiday somewhere else.

2Old2Tango · 03/09/2024 20:44

I have a few questions OP.....

Why is it always you hosting? Do you have the biggest house?
How much effort does your DH put in to helping host HIS family?
Do you ever get to see your own family at Christmas?

I too would be booking to go away next year, following MIL lead. If it comes round again that you all have to be together for Christmas (or any other event), then tell DH that someone else can take a turn at hosting, otherwise he'll be doing everything if it's at your house. I bet he'll soon change his tune.

DeclutteringNewbie · 03/09/2024 20:44

Every blinking year, I have to invited my PIL and extended in-law family for Christmas, and then at least another dinner. MIL is someone who wants everyone together. This usually ends up with me doing a lot of work as they stay over!

Why have you done this?!

There have been a few years I’ve got out of it. Once we went skiing with my DC at Christmas and we got hell over it. So we’ve not done it since.

Why on earth would you let her hold you hostage?

Over the past few years my DH has been all, “it’s family. It’s just a few days. Christmas is about family”. That’s my MIL talking, not him. He’s been very sentimental over it, and I’ve felt emotionally blackmailed. Basically they all have a lovely time, and my Christmas is shite.

If DH loves it so much let DH do it all! What are you playing at?!

TortillasAndSalsa · 03/09/2024 20:39

You just got your best Christmas present a wee bit early this year @ItsOhSoQuietThisChristmas 🎁🎉🍾

Aligirlbear · 03/09/2024 20:31

Get your diary out and get December maxed out with things you want to do which don’t include extended family - just you, DH & DC. When you’ve done that research holidays for Christmas 2025 - I can thoroughly recommend being away somewhere warm , DH & I did it for years to avoid the inevitable family events and arguing over who’s family it was this year !! - If the in laws moan just point out your are following their excellent example and the new family tradition they have started ! Enjoy !

hydriotaphia · 03/09/2024 20:30

I don’t get why when you go on holiday at Xmas it’s a holiday and when she does it’s a ‘flounce’ to be honest. Obviously book whatever you like in December, I am also booking Xmas events now, but deliberately trying to make your family unit too busy to see her in December (when you suspect both she and your DH would like to do something) would make you the spiteful one. I think it’s totally reasonable for your DH to want to see his mum over the Xmas period and vice versa. Obviously that should not mean masses of work for you so maybe in future limit the length of her visit and get your DH to do the cooking etc so that it doesn’t fill you with rage.

BirthdayRainbow · 03/09/2024 20:28

You've given into bullying. I'm sure you've taught your kids not to do that. Model it...