My MiL has flounced out of Christmas

Why are women doing this though?

It helps that me, DH and my family think Xmas is a crock of 💩 so we do very little, but I’ve never, ever done anything I haven’t wanted to.

This in spades. Since MIL’s decline into Alzheimer’s it’s become apparent how little (zero) FIL did of any of this. No cards or presents for anyone because he can’t work out MIL’s (very basic) birthdays & addresses book. When he missed DS’ 18th he later gave him a (part-used) shower gel as a gift. He has Amazon and Sainsbury’s accounts he uses for his own benefit, so it’s not that he can’t. It’s not about the cost, it’s the thought and effort, and it is most often the women in the family who carry that load.

I've done 43 Christmas lunches out of 46. When the children were young it was hard wrapping till midnight, laying up the table, cooking and clearing all day. I told husband boxing day was ours to play with the children's presents and flop.

The last few years it's been hard I want someone else to do it now. This year we're the guests I can't wait.

Why has the hosting always landed on your doorstep OP? With extended family the others need to take a turn if your annual family hugfest is to continue. Your compliance in their plans over the years (and how lovely for them. Wake up on a leisurely Christmas morning whilst you are doing all the skivvying), has now become their right. That needs to stop. Book that holiday. Each Christmas you have can never be repeated. Make lovely memories to look back on, not nightmares.

Yes indeed I agree wholeheartedly.What kind of husband sits back and lets his partner do all the work and all at the behest oof his mother.

I would absoloutly book up all your time with amazing things to do. Personally I'd be tempted to go away, play her at her own game. I'd not be letting her take up any of my time.

We had the same thing every Xmas, it was always done at ours, 1 year my brother offered to host it and I got covid on Xmas eve and I got complete hate for it, for going out and taking my kids out, thos was after the look downs etc (bearing in mind they went on a holiday in the height of covid, my brothers gf went to a club night, caught covid and then went away with them all and gave it to my kids, which I made sure she was OK etc, it happens) I just got pure hate and Xmas was awful.

we've now just stopped doing it, last year we did it on our own and it was amazing, quiet. Relaxing, don't let them dictate to you any more. She's made her bed now. She can lie in it. She made the choice to go away for Xmas (if she even has booked it) she doesn't get to manipulate your whole December!

I have had Xmas at mine for my siblings, their other halves, nieces etc for more years than I remember, but the Xmas right before covid my husband and I decided to book a holiday in Cyprus that year and off we went. Best damned Xmas I have ever had. I was even called selfish by one family member for leaving them all to it even though I gave them several months notice of our intentions... I think they didn't believe me !!!! It was wonderful, relaxing, fun. But it landed back to me after that. Everyone at mine, and last year my sister said to me "how come you always end up ill in early January" whichhad happenedmanytimes... I had chest infection, laryngitis, followed by covid from NYE until mid January this past year. My answer was "BLOODY EXHAUSTION". They all live relatively close so up and leave on Christmas night without having so much as peeled a sprout or washed a dish. YOU GO AWAY.... AND DO IT EVERY YEAR !!!!!!

It never ceases to amaze me the effort and dedication that someone will put in to create something for others that they really don’t want to be creating. If I was in your position I would make sure my kids had the best Christmas Day but make no effort whatsoever for the rest of the family, if they want to impose themselves on my home for two days they know where the kitchen is, they can cook Christmas dinner themselves!

and now not knowing which end of the turkey to stuff.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

That’s all very well and I agree with the principle of it, BUT, in the past, it tended to be women who largely initiated and facilitated all of those things!

Even now, in my my rural village, and in my sister’s urban street, it’s the women who are inviting elderly neighbours to dine with their families at Christmas, or rushing out on Christmas morning to deliver food to them. In our respective churches, it’s the women who are running the kiddie’s Christmas crèche and doing the Christmas flowers and singing in the choir.

In the past, it was women who wrote the Christmas cards and made sure old Aunt Joan was included, or they rang her up on Christmas Day.

In my family it used to be my aunts, not my uncles, who sent parcels to us at Christmas time.

Even now, in most homes in the UK it’s women who are writing Christmas lists, and planning most of the food and buying and wrapping most of the presents.

Getting together is all well and good, but seriously, we don’t have time to do it all any more now that we are working the same hours as men and doing most of the domesticate work too in many cases.

Christmas left entirely to men would look very different indeed!

Book your Xmas up with plans and days away etc
Before MIL realises her plan hasn’t worked and the holiday gets mysteriously ‘cancelled’ 🤣🤣

Sounds like an ideal situation! Why not book that Caribbean holiday this year?

You can have my in-laws who invited themselves for Christmas if you want 😆

The perfect solution- you don't have to slave away behind the scenes doing all the work while the MIL basks in the limelight. Book that 2 weeks you wanted in the Caribbean, and be sure to be busy for the whole of Dec , you don't want your MIL trying to force an early Christmas!

Absolutely book up early mid Dec and also take a look at Christmas holidays 2025. Sorted.

I’m pretty sure if we had stopped it, say last year, they would go NC with us as a result.

Sounds like a result.

I'd be thinking about taking kids to my family or going away & he can stay & host his extended family.

I'm getting to the point that I wonder why I give in with things at Christmas that is for the extended family's benefit. I'd be quite happy if it was just DH and the kids and me. Lockdown Christmas was actually really nice without all the catering to everyone else

Yes book your df wonderful C things for all december. Have C day the eay you want it... cosy foursome. Enjoy. Repeat next year. Or book your 2025 C holiday asap

Husband has been stubborn Xmas at home with adults and grandchildren. Last year He said I'll Cook. I took him at his word because with sciatica and arthritic hip, just the cleaning, polishing did me in.
He's 73 the cooking did him in.

He hasn't murmured this year when DIL said Xmas at her house. The fights gone out of him thank God.

We used to feed his parents, mine, siblings, various widows plus two children of our own.

I'm done!!

Book what you want and enjoy it.
Moving forward either husband massively steps up and takes over everything at Christmas for these important family times events or it all just stops .Time has run its course yep people have plan smile sweetly and make yours .
I'm in the from this site weird position of literally making a dessert and washing dishes , stacking dishwasher role at Christmas.
We have had 16 people round the table , everyone brought part of meal , drinks etc .The guys cook it while drinking .
I'm always amazed that people accept one person will do it all .

he does a bit of cooking and refills glasses. Apart from this, nothing.
Forget about your mil for a moment, this alone is just murder him territory. How do men get away with this?

Yes this. Op, regardless of whether your in laws are there or not, how does DH justify watching you skivvy? Is it because it’s just ‘natural’?

I would thank MIL very much for taking the pressure off you this Christmas.
enjoy a family Christmas without them at your home and have treats around Christmas t home - walks, theatre, cinema, whatever.
next year go away as a family to somewhere you fancy.

Yes there's definitely this part of it too.

Never host again OP. You're freeeeeeeee

YABU if your husband wants a Christmas get together at some point in December and you’re planning to include him and the kids in your plans.

If it’s just so you can ignore the MIL then crack on x