Not giving my kids money while at uni

I went to university for my bachelors in the time of means tested grants. My parents were high earners so my grant was 0. My parents gave me exactly the grant amount and nothing more, except that I was allowed to take some old mismatched kitchenware (pans and cutlery) they had had in the back of cupboards and drawers for some time without using.

They were giving me a lot of money BUT almost everyone who got a grant was better off because their parents also gave them £20 (more of a big deal 30 years ago, probably similar to £50+ now) every time they visited or transferred £100 into their account if they were short on an ad hoc basis, or paid for regular supermarket shops or for their textbooks.

I suspect this is true today too and that students who get minimum loan and parents top up probably have literally just the equivalent of the full loan to spend (and stretched parents reminding them how much they're costing and expecting gratitude), and only students who have full loan and parents who can afford to contribute as well are the group with most unearned spending power.

So if you can't contribute don't feel bad, lot's of students will have similar amounts of unearned funding (leaving student jobs aside).

I'd contribute if I could do without suffering in your shoes - perhaps the amount you save by not feeding them in term time - but not if you'd suffer for it by having to cut back to bare essentials or if they'd have more discretionary spending money each than you.

One thing to consider with regards to your DS who doesn't have holiday employment in your town is that I never spent any university holidays with my parents at all, because I got a job in my university city which I worked full time in all the holidays. Since a couple of months after I turned 18 I've never spent more than a week under my parents' roof, and that rarely - whilst at university I generally visited for a long weekend rather than the stereotypical student spending 1/3 of the year "at home" in their childhood bedroom.

Avanti do a thing called ‘Super fare’. You choose your date and then choose morning, afternoon or evening slot and they allocate you a ticket based on their emptiest train. For me it works out £15 to London instead of £90, but you have to book in advance and can only go on the one they give you.

Just for your DD in London bear in mind that unless she can stay in halls next year, which might be worth looking into if she is on a scheme, her rent living out is likely to be much higher in London in 2nd and 3rd year .
My DD paid just over £9k in 2 nd and having to pay £11k in 3 rd! Also her travel is around £2k a year .
If someone knows any travel hacks please let me know !!
Sounds like your DD will get a job though which will help .

Given what you’ve outlined I’d say they’ll be fine. My DD has a supermarket job, has the minimum loan and doesn’t have as much as that even with our top up. She asks us for money when she needs it and we pay for trips etc but she loves to pay her own way as much as she can. What do your DDs think?

That's plenty, if they need more then they'll need to either work term time or take on an extra job on top in the holidays. It'll be a nice taste of budgeting for them being adults.

Break it down for example that is £180 a week
Bus fare if needed- approx £20 a week (no idea what a pass costs nowadays)
Food- £40 a week
Socialising- £75 a week
Course materials/printing costs etc- £5 a week

That still leaves £40 a week spare for clothing sundries, train fare etc.

Other parents will supplement because they will be over the thresholds. Your kids won't, let them fly and be at the end of the phone if they have an urgent financial issue they need support with.

I'm always baffled by the amount of parents who pay out for their DC a university. I funded myself with my maintenance loan and part time work. It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask DM for money, nor would I have been given any if I had.

Although she did pay my sister's (very expensive through choice) rent for the entire time she was at uni, even though she spent most of the time at home anyway. The situation was ridiculous, but then situations with my sister often are.

University students are adults, I don't understand why they can't make arrangements to support themselves financially. What will they do for funds once they finish? How long are parents expected to fund their adult children?

i went to uni a few years ago, my parents didnt give me anything. they couldnt afford it!
have your son and daughter look into bursary and financial aid programs at their respective unis and make absolutely sure they're getting as much as theyre entitled to (thats what its there for)
maybe save a bit to give to them in case of emergency
but otherwise yanbu. i also worked in the summer and unis have long holidays so thats a good option, same with working in the uni itself (they often have small jobs suited for current students)

I doubt your bills will go down all that much just because the kids aren't there. You still have rent/mortgage, utilities, tax, food......no one is giving you an allowance are they?

Your kids seem like that know they have to work things for themselves, let them get on with it. If you can front them a rental deposit or something when they finish then great!

Can't you just start off not giving them money and see how they get on?

Help them work out a budget if they need it to manage their monthly expenses.

If they have the odd time when they can't afford a train ticket home etc you could help them out with that and a few other bits, clothes etc. without making it a regular payment.

@Seilla UoL in Bristol. They don't have any university owned halls at all - it was her insurance choice so it was all last minute too. It was actually one of the cheapest too!😩

If you have the capacity to save up a bit, I would keep hold of that for emergency stuff, emergency train tickets home, that sort of thing, on a first come first serve basis for them both.

The one who chose to go to Uni a long way from home should have factored in getting back home at least some of the time - yes, trains are expensive but a young persons rail card reduces that and if you really want to travel cheap, Megabus or National Express with their young persons deal.

The only way travel home gets REALLY expensive is if someone wants to train, or fly, last minute.

Many do and live on a lot less. Which is why students live on koka noodles and mars bars.
I'd give cash for birthday/Christmas and ask if they need travel passes.

In Wales everyone gets the same it's just the ratio of Loan to grant depends on income

If you can’t afford to give them more, you really aren’t being unreasonable. I got nothing from my parents, they couldn’t afford it, so I had to work. They’ll not be the only ones in that position, and you have two at university at the same time. Yes, it would be nice to help them out if you could, but you shouldn’t get into debt or leave yourselves short to do so. Others that are getting help might not be getting the full loan.

I’ve never been to Oxford, but I do have an PhD so plenty of university experience. I’ve also got experience of family attending 5 UK universities in the last decade. Not one of them worked full time job hours, all of them had a shift a week in their uni town and all did really well. Just as my generation did back in the day.

The harsh reality is that many people simply can’t afford not to work at the same time as studying.

Mine get the equivalent of the full loan and work in the holidays. I’d bake them out if they couldn’t manage but that’s all.

We don't give ours anything except an occasional shop / pair of new trainers etc

My mother gave me 'fruit money' to make sure I ate healthily. Her mother did the same for her. I think it was about £5 a week. Keep an eye on their living costs, as the disparity between the two may leave your son worse off. I know London is more expensive, but probably not that much more.

I think that’s fine. My DC all got the minimum so I paid their rents but that pretty much adds up to what yours are getting in total. The system is designed that way.

Parent who contribute normally have a higher income than you - I think they will be fine.

OP - if your DD is really far away, could you pay her train fare once a term to help her out? I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable not to contribute more money - I didn’t have much when my DC were at university, and I used to send them a supermarket shop if I thought they weren’t eating properly, but like you, I simply couldn’t have afforded to have given them a regular amount of money - and they were all fine!

They won't live on that even with part time jobs.

I found mine needed extra stuff for their courses as they went along so my Amazon account came in useful. They all worked in the holidays, two did bar work, one farming. That was their silly money.

YANBU I paid my own way through university and although it wasn't easy (I think I had £4000 a year to live off) I was an adult and making my own choices, to be honest everyone else had parents paying some or all of everything which can be a challenge seeing that inequality but it's part of the learning. I've always earned well since uni because it gave me a drive to stand on my own feet and make the most of an opportunity my mum didn't have. I did get extra funding and a chunk of money in 3rd year and worked too so my only advice is to keep an ear out for that type of thing. Also most parents can't comprehend not providing money to their kids but that shouldn't have a bearing on what you do. In the long run I think independence is the best give you can give

I am glad you posted this as I have been wondering the same. My DD will get a £9,000 loan plus a £3,000 disability payment plus PIP of about £400 a month. If I give her money, she’ll spend it on clothes or going out. I plan on giving her a supermarket gift card every now and then. I’ve bought all her stuff plus a laptop.