Dds friend issues - feeling bullied

She should block the boyfriend, see other friends, and ignore her friend’s attempts to communicate until it all calms down.

She can only control her own behaviour in this scenarios, and I think she needs to address her own people-pleasing.

The issue here is that she’s done the classic people-pleaser thing of letting her friend repeatedly mess her about by cancelling, and giving the required text reassurance to her friend that she wasn’t angry because she ‘was always trying not to upset her friend’ (why? Her friend had no such compunction.)

Whereas of course she was angry, and this time her suppressed resentment boiled over, and took her friend by surprise, hence the blow up, the boyfriend’s involvement etc.

Obviously her friend is in the wrong, but your DD needs to take responsibility for why she went along with things and pretended she was fine for so long, and particularly why she went to so much trouble to reassure her friend she wasn’t angry about all the cancellations. She behaved as though her friend’s emotions were more important than her own, and trained her friend to also believe this. Now suddenly it’s as if your old bicycle that you ride unthinkingly everyday has suddenly angrily complained you’re too heavy for it.

It’s a good learning moment about not suppressing your own emotions because they’re too awkward for other people.

If, weeks or months ago, your DD had said ‘Yes, I am annoyed you cancelled on me. Please don’t make plans with me and cancel when something else comes up’ she wouldn’t be in this situation now.

Right, I suggest you consider professional support for your anger.

Edited as posted on wrong thread.

I haven't read the full thread but if I were your daughter I'd message the friend and tell her to get in touch when she realises she's in a controlling relationship and decides she deserves better. And then I'd message the boyfriend simply saying "back the fuck out of things that don't concern you."

No point reasoning with him but I think she needs to show him she's not a doormat and he can't control your daughter or her response.

So much drama.

I'd advise DD blocks the friend and boyfriend and moves on. She's 18, it's up to her what she does, but I wouldn't want to hear anymore about it.

total ignore the boyfriend and tell/text the friend(?) simple -Its out of order getting your fella to message,I was disapointed YOU cancelled not that he had arranged alternative plan.
i hate that gets jumped on HES being controlling. Theres as much chance shes not being straight up and saying-sorry im already do something then? /now friend upset at me? ...therefore insighting his crap message.surely.
leave it at that. block if continues.
as for the @Copperoliverbear response- what??? if hes 18 its another adult your threatening. good luck with that attitude.
@Ghilliegums YOUR reaction is very dramalhma.hopefully if "dh goes mad"its atchu for not just going "aaw thats shit"and letting dd sort it out herself.like a grown up

What an absolutely stupid post.

@Ghilliegums tell your daughter to send a message to her friend to say she's going to block her now so she can get whatever it is out of her system and calm down. Block the boyfriend, no need to be nice to him.

If this were my DD, I’d be advising her to block both of them. Boyfriend and Girlfriend are enjoying the drama no doubt and egging one another on.

DD off to Uni ? She’ll meet new people there .. or if she’s working (apprenticeship) she’ll make new friends. People just outgrow each other.

I think she's jealous of your daughter myself, tell her to just hang out with her other friends and stay away from these two, she wants to drag your daughter down to her level so she has a shit life like her, don't let it happen.
Then your daughter can go travelling with the other friends next year. X

They are all being drama llamas. All three.

If your DD really objected to being dragged into this she’d have blocked his number at the first message. She’s choosing to keep engaging.

That’s no condemnation, by the way. They pretty much all do at that age. It sucks them in, they haven’t the maturity to shut it down and walk away.

I would stress to her that she has it in her power to disengage at any point. That what some random bloke feels he has a right to tell her doesn’t need to be of any interest to her. She can reply or not reply, it’s all in her power.

The boyfriend sounds like a thug!!! OMG.

I'd be tempted to say to DD and her DD's friend that they NEVER ever have to put up with men like that and you would always be a safe space for them.

Then I'd probably threaten to have words with him and have to be dragged away from the situation. (I felt my temper spike so badly when I read his message).

I think I'd address this separately. Dd to ask her friend to not give out her number.

I strongly suspect that your DD's friend is being abused/controlled by her boyfriend and that the cancellations etc are down to him deciding he isn't going to 'let' her meet up with DD. Which is why the friend keeps seeking reassurance texts from DD to confirm that she isn't angry with her for cancelling.

In your DD's situation, I would say nothing at all in response to the boyfriend and would simply block him. I would then send a message to my friend saying 'I've blocked boyfriend because he's been sending me a lot of abusive messages. I'm also quite worried about how much you've changed since you met him and how much he seems to control what you do and who you can see. I hope you're OK, and you do ever want to reach out for support with that, I'm always here. But until then, it seems best that we don't talk.'

Sounds like she is also feeding off the drama then - the best thing you can do is step away and not encourage it.

Just do everything in your power to get your daughter to stay away from them.
Has your daughter got another friend she can go travelling with ?