Mil forcing dinner

So he is happy to go? To book it? Leave him to it.

I have been in a very similar situation to you. Dh and mils go between always the one at fault. There was no past childhood trama. Dh had a living home. Just left me to it and therefore everything was my fault. Mil also started to do snarky digs, implying I tricked dh into more than 2 kids ( we had been together over 20 years by then) I wasn't blood therefore should not come before her ( aka I'm just the current transiant shag of choice) all backed up with lots of being told the ex sil wasn't as good a mum as the new sil, kids didn't love her like they lived their new, younger, fitter sexy mummy.

I blew up and backed out. The options gone now. Talk to dh or talk to no one. Be civil to me or go away. I told her we could get back in touch if she stopped using me as a middle man. She agreed but recently told me I'm stopping her relationship with the kids as she can't see my FB posts. I asked her why her son couldn't send her photos. She predictably was rude and that was how it was left. Of course she can't have this convo with him, she comes to me while being rude about it.

Only I can facilitate these mil, grandkids, dh relationships. Only me. No one else. Not even mil. But if dh and me split, who would do it then? I asked her directly this question and her reply was that she would never talk to any of us ever again. So I blocked her. Wish granted. She is unblocked now but my dh and her talk directly? Fucking outrageous bullshit.

Only via Jesus will you get into heaven

Only via me will mil talk to dh.

But I neither want or choose that crap.

Too late to move house I guess?

Are your kids still at home? Could you go stay somewhere for a couple of days so if does sit on the doorstep no one is coming home anyway? It's extreme measures but if she's going to turn up no matter what you say at least it gives you some control.

NC with father following almost 50 years of horrendous nariccistic behaviour. So I feel your & H's pain.
My young adult daughter said to me, "Why do you keep going to the buffet when you're the one on the menu?"
Quite. Game changing advice.
Blocked since then.

Protect your peace.
Do not attend this meal.
Do not engage further.
You've tried. She wants to be the 'winner' and the victim. No more.
Good luck.

Just stick to your guns. If your DH decides to go as he is a wet lettuce then he can go and deal with his mum. And next time you have to face her and this old drama co to use I would just tell her that she is the one who has been behaving poorly and it's her own fault nobody likes her.

Then change that!

No. Repeat. No.

Can't you just say you're busy that day?

”Dear MIL,
You are an abusive vile toad. Your own son can’t stand you yet because I pushed him.. he has had contact with you. Your grandchildren think you are a terrible person and want nothing to do with you”.

I think you and the kids should all go and tell how her behaviour is unacceptable, how it affects each of you, and that none of you are prepared to see her in future unless she commits to change.
You've all done your best then. Good luck.

Poor nothing - he's an adult man with agency over his own life!

Why are you such a doormat. Not a question as her own son doesn’t want anything to do with her. Ignore the crazy toad.

Yes, has she been told straight out?

I'd use Janvier's wording.

As for 'book something for tomorrow' just 'No' will do.

He might see the light or it might become easier to blame you for being awkward rather than his mother for her behaviour…

Of course it isn't though. It's just her taking control again. And him giving in to that. It's about patterns of behaviour which he enables.

He can go by himself and deal with it if he thinks it's just one dinner.

If it was just one dinner it wouldn't be about her trying to lay down the law for the future because there wouldn't be a future to be considering.

Have you ever actually told her?
If you don't want to see her, then reply to the email. We don't want to meet you for dinner and please don't come to our house. You are not welcome. Or just ignore it and carry on as you are. What are you afraid of?

“As it’s only one dinner it won’t matter that I’m not there, it will be nice for your mum to have you to herself” 😁

Or go, and tell her exactly what you think of her and bring up specific examples of her terrible behaviour over the years.

You have a DH problem

Just stick to your guns

And tell him you don't expect to see her in your home

just arrange to be elsewhere and book into a nice hotel on another town or stay over at friends or go to the cinema or have a work trip. A million reasons if you want to make up an excuse. Delete and block her from your phone - cut contact it’s the only way, then your DH is the contact channel and he’ll have to deal with her

"Sorry that doesn't work for us"

"I'm sorry but we are not playing along anymore. You don't get to set all the agenda and then lecture us about behaviour when your own behaviour is so bad the children don't want anything to do with you. That's of your doing not ours"

"If you turn up uninvited we will treat it as harassment and I will report it to the police"

"Reflect on your behaviour. Because this has gone past the point where we are prepared to be manipulated by your emotional abuse"

And block.

Well obviously ignore the demand that you book something. And all other demands. But be supportive of your husband, who may not be at the same point emotionally as you are.