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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For putting my foot down about DM's dog

297 replies

OhMyGodAChicken · 03/09/2024 13:43

I'll preface this post by saying I'm not really a dog person. I like them well enough, grew up with them, and fuss on friends' pets, but I don't want one for myself. DM is convinced I hate dogs, most especially hers.

The latest situation culminated in her sloping off home from ours, where she's been staying (with dog), last night in a huff.

DM's life centres on this dog. She lives alone with him and he provides her with company and a reason to get out and about to meet people.

However, there's a list of his "requirements" (not sure how many are real, how many have been created by DM, and how many are just DM's claims) that makes it really hard work having him to stay with her - or actually doing anything much.

  • He will only eat rotisserie chicken from the supermarket. It has to be served on the floor as he's "scared" of dishes.
  • Likewise, he will only drink water from a glass, and it has to be refreshed three times a day. I've seen him gobble up cat food and water from my pets' dishes, and he eats literal shit when out on walks.
  • He has to sleep in the bed with DM, so any bedding I put on the guest bed, I have to be happy for the dog to sleep in.
  • He doesn't like the car and "can't be left", so any outings have to be short and/or near to DM's, and dog-friendly venues.
  • He regularly humps cushions and blankets for 15-20 minutes. After he did it to my sofa cushions, DM brings a blanket he's allowed to hump. She advises my DD not to sit on it in case there's ejaculate on it.
  • He licks everything. EVERYTHING. "He's just a licker" - we're talking aggressive licking and slurping carpets, sofas, cushions, DD, the kitchen floor, any furniture he can reach. DM lets him lick between her fingers and toes for 15 minutes at a time.
  • He drags his arse along the carpet regularly - "He's clean, he just has allergies and needs to itch."

The problem I'm having is that DM is at the point where she feels it's unfair for her dog to have to change any routines/behaviours when he's here. She locks my cats in the lounge because he chases them, serves his meals on the kitchen floor, allows him to chew and lick anything he pleases, and gets extremely defensive and angry if DD or I tell him to stop.

Yday evening, I was getting to my wit's end with it. He'd chased the cats twice, wouldn't stop licking anything and everything, and was dragging his arse across the lounge floor.

Any look or comment was met with barely contained fury by DM, who eventually (because I'd literally turned my head to look at what the slurping noise in the middle of the kitchen floor was) said "Fine, if you won't stop going on about it, I'll take him home - come on, [DDog]."

I pointed out that I didn't think it was unreasonable to not want him licking everything or scraping his literal arsehole across the carpet repeatedly, but she's in a major huff now and has said she no longer feels comfortable at my home.

AIBU? Are these normal dog behaviours people tolerate in their houses? Is this just to be expected/accepted when a relative comes to stay and won't leave their dog with someone else?

I'm feeling hurt and defensive that DM has prioritised the dog over me and DD (as it feels to me) but she's obviously hurt too. Would welcome any outside perspectives on this.

OP posts:
BlueFlowers5 · 04/09/2024 21:57

He needs roughage
He needs boundaries setting and dog training.
Anal glands - vet visit.
Is there a DGC old enough to take him for several walks whilst DM and dog staying at yours?
Ask her bet if they can recommend dog trainers in your area.

Americano75 · 04/09/2024 21:43

@Thisismetooaswell I feel bad saying this but I did snigger at 'luckily it died...' 😆

TheMauveBeaker · 04/09/2024 21:15

I wouldn’t have had the dog back after the first visit if it behaved like this, it sounds vile.

simpledeer · 04/09/2024 21:06

What a shame for you and what a shame for the dog.

I love my dog, but the things that bring me most joy about him are when I am watching him do dog things. Sniffing around a forest (not someone’s toes or crotch) chasing a squirrel he has no hope of catching, running around in circles, playing fetch, meeting doggy mates, having doggy naps and daydreams. You know, regular dog stuff.

Sounds like DM has ruined the dog and has no idea how to extricate herself from the situation she has created. Unless she enjoys it on some level?

All you can do is maintain boundaries. Are you worried about dog and new baby?

Thisismetooaswell · 04/09/2024 20:48

I love my dog totally, but I wouldn't accept that behaviour from him, or any other dog. PIL had a dog they doted on and would definitely prioritise over family. Luckily it died just before our first child was born or I know it would have caused rows

Trishthedish · 04/09/2024 20:27

BMW6 · 03/09/2024 13:49

YANBU in any way and I love dogs!

The arse dragging sounds like his anal glands need to be looked at by a vet........

And if he can ejaculate surely he should be neutered?

Edited

Exactly. I have two dogs and they wouldn’t be allowed to do that at home, never mind in anyone else’s home.

Sennelier1 · 04/09/2024 20:22

Your house, your rules. Your mother should accept that as a condition for being welcome with her dog. It's a dog, not a child! You could put down a cushion or a blanket on the floor for the dog, not allowing him on the sofa or other seating will limit the damage he does by humping/chewing/licking/scratching etc. And I wouldn't want a dog sleeping in my bed(ding). I know many dogowners allow that but I think it's gross. Personal choice of course. I like dogs, at my parents I let our very large dog sleep on the carpet next to my bed, but not in my bed.

MaryMary6589 · 04/09/2024 20:01

Poor dog.

I am a dog lover and owner.

I don't want other people's dogs in my house because it isn't fair on my pets.

My PILs have an awful dog that eats my dog's food, jumps up, knocks stuff over. After me having enough of it they now leave him with a friend when they come to visit (most of the time!!)

MarvellousMonsters · 04/09/2024 19:59

No wonder he scrapes his arse along the ground if all she feeds him is rotisserie chicken. That's an incredibly unhealthy diet for a dog, his anal gland is probably in desperate need of treatment. He needs proper dog food: meat, offal & bone (never cooked bone though) and if he's jizzing on things he needs his balls off. Licking is a sign of stress, her attempts at pampering are actually making him anxious. Poor dog, but I'm not surprised it drives you mad.

Noseybookworm · 04/09/2024 19:38

I absolutely couldn't have that going on in my house 😩 I'd stick to visiting mum in her own home or tell her she's welcome to visit if she leaves him with the dogsitter. I think you have to be honest that you just find it unbearable. Unfortunately some people are so attached to their pets that they allow it to completely take over their lives, to the exclusion of all else.

WildCats24 · 04/09/2024 19:33

She advises my DD not to sit on it in case there's ejaculate on it.

lololol

Dog Kiss GIF by BuzzFeed
Packetofcrispsplease · 04/09/2024 19:27

Oh good god !
I have a dog and love ❤️ him .
he doesn’t get exclusively fed rotisserie chicken 🍗
he doesn’t sleep with me ( not allowed in the bed )
we leave him on his own but to be fair we only leave him for 3 to 4 hours maximum
yes we like to take him with us sometimes to cafes with outdoor seating and parks for walks
your mums dog sounds spoilt , needs training and a vet visit for his anxiety and bum scooting

Minxmumma · 04/09/2024 18:51

OK I have 3 big dogs of my own and 1 medium foster dog.

  1. none of them drag their butt's across the floor. First sign of that would encourage me to worm them and if it persisted I would have them visiting the vets.

  2. the licking..... ewww even with my great big chunky hounds I don't tolerate endless licking and the toe thing just makes me 🤢.
    Surely he could just have suitable toys for licking / chewing? He needs redirecting.

  3. the feeding on the floor / drinking out of a glass! What the heck! Dogs have bowls! Ewww just ewwww.

  4. I also have 5 cats, in the initial stages a bit of chasing, growling & hissing is expected at first but they soon settle if given sensible boundaries.

Recommend she finds a nice dog Sitter for when she visits or go to her. I wouldn't put up with that level of daft and my house packed with animals

JohnTheRevelator · 04/09/2024 18:50

Urgh. I love animals but even I would find these things extremely trying!

Americano75 · 04/09/2024 18:46

He needs his balls chopped for a start, and they can check his arse while they're there.

TorroFerney · 04/09/2024 18:40

OhMyGodAChicken · 03/09/2024 15:00

Perhaps DDog and DM have joined Mumsnet without me knowing?!

Show quote history

Could be my mother!

TheNormalRules · 04/09/2024 18:38

Everything about this vile animal sounds disgusting.

Would I have it in my home, licking, humping, bum scratching and sleeping in my guest room bed? No way. It wouldn't get near. Your mother is being massively disrespectful to you and your daughter expecting you to put up with this disgusting behaviour.

Unfortunately, I wouldn't want to visit her house either with it's humped pillows, carpets rubbed with bum juice and dogiferous beds. 🤢🤢🤮

TorroFerney · 04/09/2024 18:31

You have my sympathies. When I got irked at my mums dog and suggested that it was very annoying that it jumped up at me constantly every time I went round and it hurt and ripped my tights I was told "don't come round then". That was about 2 years ago and she doesn't really let me in the house. It's my fault apparently that it jumps up at me, doesn't do it with anyone else.

OhmygodDont · 04/09/2024 18:31

I wouldn’t let the bloody thing in my house or if it was only in a crate with its shag pillow 🤣 crated or garden only.

Gross the dog and your mum tbh for letting it do all this poor behaviour and thinking it’s ok.

Jumpers4goalposts · 04/09/2024 18:28

I am totally a dog person, and I put YANBU. Everything listed is 100% your DM and not the dog.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 04/09/2024 18:25

I would ban that dog from my home.

That behaviour is absolutely disgusting, what part of that is “nice” and what is the benefit of having a pointless pet like that. Grim.

Jane163 · 04/09/2024 18:23

Oh you poor thing.

This dog sounds rank.

I completely sympathise, I’m a cat person and my MIL’s dog is horrid - although thankfully she will leave it.

The pandering people expect to dogs is bizarre.

Why should your poor cats be put under stress?

Such a double standard with cats and dogs.

LottieLouise152 · 04/09/2024 18:05

My god!!!! I wouldn’t let my own dog do that in our house (and he is spoilt!). Totally outrageous. She and the dog wouldn’t be staying over again - ever 😂

abracadabra1980 · 04/09/2024 17:44

AlmostAJillSandwich · 04/09/2024 15:10

I am so, SO glad my partner just got his own place and no longer lives with MIL, as i was so sick of her bloody dogs!
3 Jack russels, i've never liked small dogs at the best of times, but they were just too much.
Elderly one was forever trying to lick my hands, and i have OCD so hated that, she also had really bad breath and shed constantly.
The little, also elderly one, a stress licker, just licks licks licks all day long, whether its your arms, your legs, clothing, the sofa etc, never stopped licking.
The male one, separation anxiety, and a humper, would grab a cusion and just go at it right in the middle of the livingroom floor. VERY jealous and possessive, will start snarling and growling and mad barking if either of the other 2 dogs go near MIL, or one of the dog toys.
Every day they have fresh boiled chicken and sweet potato, stinks to make, and they sit whining for it from 3pm onwards til they get it.
They're not well trained at all, so many instances of when i'm there even just during the day visits of them shitting in the house, won't alert to ask to be let out, will just shit wherever.
And when MIL and her partner were out they were even worse. The male and the licky one have to be on you, touching you, whilst growling at eachother til MIL got back. Dog sitting overnight was farcical. They wouldn't go out to toilet, even if you phyically put them outside they'd just sit and cry at the door scratching til let in. You couldn't shut them out of the room for any personal time, just constant scratching and howling at the door. As for trying to sleep, they would not let you move them away from touching you, they'd just lay straight back on you, and the licky one would play silly bollocks, she wanted to be downstairs, but not on her own. Launch off the bed, scratch at the door, let her out, run downstairs, if you didnt follow her down she'd come back up, scratch at the door to be let in, want lifting on to the bed, then 5 minutes later launching off to scratch to be let out, over and over. Partner would get angrier and angrier, i'd be the one up and down, and it was a miracle if i got any sleep at all.

I will point blank be refusing to go to their new place with partner to dog sit when they want to go on their little UK trips, i am not dealing with those bloody dogs ever again.

Sounds an utter nightmare and that all the dogs have never been given boundaries. Just 'loving' a dog for our own self gratification isn't enough. They need brain training/stimulation, and to be taken out into different environments daily. I'be never allowed my dogs on my bed: it's my one hair free zone and they know that because I've TRAINED THEM!

MrsJRHartley · 04/09/2024 17:28

OP says the hellhound HAS been neutered.