Husband rant - SAHM needing a sick day.

Life happens. It’s a valid reason to be off, just as valid as flu or a funeral. Unfortunately that’s what happens when you have children.

Also, this knee thing does not sound like it could be cured in one sick day off, does it? It needs to be looked at and addressed, the sooner, the better.

Well clearly because the sahp usually relies completely on the money the partner earns, they can’t survive without it, and most jobs you can’t just pull a sudden sickie with no negative impact.

do you not work, how was that even a question?

Is it? Because if he were ill or injured he would take a sick day and she would be expected to parent.

Why is it the norm that SAHP aren’t allowed the time to recover like working parents?

I don't know if SAHMs sa so much that they don't realise how difficult office dynamics can be for those who take days off. Yes, everybody would 'understand' and be 'empathetic' but in reality nobody likes to pick up somebody else's slack. Actions have consequences. A brilliant colleague had a seriously ill wife, and everyone was understanding, etc. He is 50 this year and still a senior associate. Nobody says anything, not a word, but everybody understands why it is this way.

If this is your only source of income, I would prioritise that source of income, because who knows, life can be weird and it is best to nurse a sore knee at home than for you to hobble to work on crutches, that is if work is available.

To be fair he is facilitating you to stay at home, unless you’re independently wealthy as you need the bills paying. You on the other hand are not facilitating him doing anything as unless he’s a Low earner, which he clearly isn’t, he’d just get child care and a cleaner.

What a silly comment. What do you think single parents do. Stay home on the dole. Don’t you know 80 percent of families have two working parents, no one needs to stay home to allow the other to work. The 1950s called, they’d like you to come on home and stop roaming in the modern world.

I think your DH was very unkind and I would ditch that physio! I do wonder how husbands/partners with that kind of attitude would cope with their wife/partner developing a chronic illness.

Take care OP, your feelings are real and we all need to feel that we can have time out when unwell.
Hope your knee feels better soon

But if neither of you had wanted to take a step back then you’d have used childcare surely, so I’m not sure how you staying at home “allows” him (as a pp put it) to continue to work. He’d work anyway and you’d pay for childcare.

And quite often I wonder how good Mumsnet is for people's mh and self esteem.

Just because some people have to cope on their own in tough circumstances doesn't mean the op is some sort of entitled snowflake for asking for help.

For the record, I'm a WOHP and always have been...

Single parents don’t have partners though. I think that must be incredibly tough, but why would I pretend I’m single and never expect my dh to parent his children because some people are single parents? Nobody does that. If my dh thought I should then I’d suggest he experience the joys of single parent hood himself if he thinks it’s something worth trying.

From the other side of both parents working, we have had big arguments over which one of us needs to take the day off when one of the children have been sick. Sometimes it was my husband and sometimes me but it is not ideal to have to cancel work obligations. With working from home, it is much easier but realistically means that you in bed can probably offer more than a lot of parents who are working with a sick child do.

With a 3year old, a day of screen time and pottering around the house would be fine and maybe you could have managed this time round but that doesn’t mean you should never be able to call on your husband for support- you just might need to pick your moments better.

I remember when I was on mat leave and had the baby plus a toddler at home with noro. By the afternoon the three of us were being violently sick. I had to call my husband to come home for the afternoon as I couldn’t manage vomiting myself plus two vomiting children who were too young to master aiming in a bowl!

When my children have been really ill, no-one has ever batted an eyelid when I’ve needed to leave. There will always be some understanding for vomiting, a&e trips etc but I suspect much less sympathy for relieving a sahm who’s been to a dodgy physio.

@Theworldisyouroyster I am so sorry about your knee. I do think, you should be seeing your GP and getting referred to have an MRI or CT scan, whatever else you do. I had a knee problem - it needed surgery, for a cartilage tear - which turned out to be 3 tears, which hadn't shown up on the scans. Your Physio has already said physio didn't seem to be helping, so I would advise you see your GP - and also change physio if you think of persisting with Physio instead

I think you were in need of TLC as you said, because of the way you were feeling, very understandably, rather than you could perhaps have managed on your own, but only you know whether the need for TLC was the main reason you wanted him to stay home? I'm not judging you for either, by the way. I can see both sides of the argument. But maybe you do need to have a chat with your OH when things are a little less fraught and explain to him how his grumpiness has made you feel? With the concentration on how you feel/felt, rather than blaming him for his behaviour, if you see what I mean?

Hope your knee will improve soon

You do realise @OCDmama 'your' can be used as a plurel, not just a singular? As in 'your' as a family. And please don't throw unfounded accusations of sexism at me, 'internalised' or otherwise. There is nothing sexist at all in my post, where I describe my experiences as a woman who was the sole earner with a male SAHP, in an attempt to offer the OP another perspective. The relative contributions made by working versus SAHP are only linked to sexism if you start from the basis the woman will be at home and the man has the job. Which is extremely sexist. I also strongly disagree that as a woman with a SAHP he 'enabled' me to work. Had he not SAH I'd have used a nursery. He wanted to do it, I supported him in his choice. I do not however owe him my career.

I was a SAHM but without the additional benefit of having a partner who went out to work each day to support us. I was very much alone & still am, I injured my shoulder during the start of lockdown & it was the worst pain I've ever felt, I just took some painkillers and got on with it because I literally had no other option. What do you think single parents do when they injure themselves with nobody to rely on? I don't think your partner should feel they have to give up a days work because you hurt your knee. Maybe ask family members to pop over but a whole days pay seems a lot.

He can only go to work to earn the 'family income' because OP is at home doing the unpaid work of childcare and housekeeping

you make it sound like being the sole breadwinner is a privilege. OP has said being a stay at home parent is the best job she’s had, so I’d suggest it’s op who is being facilitated, not the other way around

Too bad she was “passive and pathetic “ instead of assertive and brutally direct—those british characteristics. Jesus—what does a woman have to do to get a day off work? When is her paid annual leave? Why is it such a crime to expect your dh to give you the same care and concern he’d give a sick dog?

Make sure you rest, it's so tempting as a mum to see it as an opportunity to get ahead! Sending wislshes for a speedy recovery x

I'm sorry your husband wasn't particularly sympathetic but I think you probably could have handled it better. "I did ... say that I didn’t know how I would parent the next day if it was still that bad and he might need to take some time off." sounds a bit passive and pathetic tbh. He is right to have said that you weren't clear in what you wanted. And given the unclear communication and short notice you should indeed be very appreciative that he has done what you asked him to and taken the day off. I mean, he's right - far from being appreciative, you're on Mumsnet complaining about him because although he's done exactly what you asked he's now not doing it with enough grace.