To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

Your kids will not thank you for this. Do you really not think you’ll miss them terribly if you do this? Even for a year??

It not a good thing to applaud women for behaving like the worst sort of man. It would be a better thing to encourage men to be more responsible and caring.

@KillerTomato7

No, not for a promotion. to give her kids a better future.

Your children and their emotional health are your priority. I would also say this to a man who was considering leaving his children with a lazy person who was not likely to put them first and was inclined to undermine his relationship with them. No way would I take the job.

Yes agree with this, especially if as I'm assuming the move is something like from the north or far south-west to London, which might be quite a draw for kids?

I would if he was a decent, loving father and you could trust him to take good care of your DC but you know he isn’t. They will have to drop out of their clubs and their life will be spent in the pub. Don’t do it to them.

@lolit i have to say this is an unhelpful comment. Yes lots of men do it. But those men are ones who do not give much of a shit about damaging their long term relationship with their children. There is no comparison with the OP and those sorts of men. At all. What do you propose the “go for it” will look like to the OP’s children? How will they understand the OP’s actions? What will be the long term effects on her and the children? Comments such as yours are really reductive and not at all helpful.

Should you leave your children with an abusive man for the sake of a promotion? Think about what you’re asking here.

Do not expect your children to forgive you if you go through with this. Why should they?

No way would I do this.

It's not "calling his bluff", it's "playing right into his hands"!

You'd have to pay him maintenance, he'd get to poison you and paint you as the bad guy, and he wouldn't even have to do any work because his mum and sister would help him out.

I bet the increase in cash wouldn't even look that good when you factor in maintenance, running two homes, 12 hours travel every weekend.

Don't go near this.

I suppose you could ask the kids if they fancy moving and seeing their dad less but I wouldn't go without them.

With the oldest moving up to secondary, now is probably your best chance to move them with you. Could you cost in court costs with the increased salary from the new job if you stay there and don't factor in moving back?

I'm not saying I don't get where you're coming from as I do agree that you don't want to put responsibility on a child. That ideally, they would simply come to their own conclusions over time. And hopefully by their teens, be done with their abusive parent.

But I disagree about lessons about abusive relationships not needing to be taught early.

How many times as kids were we told to look for the good in bullies, for example. The shitest advice ever!

I think we need to be very clear with kids thar bullies are what they are and the thing to do is to run fast and far from them. Even if they are people we thought cared about us initially.

Ideally we wpuld use abstract examples and they would make the links over time to their dad. But this man has actually said 'I will use my children to hurt you'. They deserve to know that.
They are at risk. They should have the right to the knowledge so they can act to protect themselves.

could you lay out the option (better job for mum but moving to X area) and see what the kids think? Tell them you will only take the job if they want to come with you, if they say yes - seek legal advice and push the abusive element. Surely it would have to go through the court but maybe I am naive.

I think people do care when men do it. Just they don’t stay friends with those men since they have fucked off anyway.

Any decent person will deep down judge them and presume they didn’t care enough or at all about their children.

The only people who don’t judge are other shitty parents, possible non parents who just don’t get it and the shitty parents often parents.

My husbands mum moved away when he was 11. They don't have a good relationship now and he is going no contact.

I know every situation is different, you sound like a lovely person and his mother is not. Just really have a good think. No one can tell you what to do.

Good luck x

They should bat an eyelid though!

Thinking about ways in which you could do this (because I can see absolutely why you want to):

Could you work from home Friday and/or Monday, so that you can work from either place, and give yourself more wriggle room w travel time? You could get this in place as a pattern from the start.

Is there any chance at all of a week on site and a week working from home? If so, you could still do 50/50, week by week.

Could you afford to take chunks of unpaid parental leave? If you could use that for holidays, then you could use your annual leave to create lots of long weekends. If you have 25 days leave, then that's a day every other week, and if you're happy to work from home Fri and Mon, that would mean you could potentially come home on Weds eve and leave again on Mon eve, nearly every other week...

Could you do the job 80%?

I think the sticking point for me would be that I would NOT want to give up on the 50/50. I'd need to find a way to make that continue.

Do you think he would really take them though? What if you told him you’re taking a new job (without accepting it first, of course), and that because you’d like to keep the kids in their current school, etc, that you’d like to have a discussion about him having custody 85% of the time, and you do every other weekend. He may try to throw a spanner in your “plans” by telling you that he won’t, and that you’ll need to take the DCs with you. Then you’ve won, and can take the kids.

If that doesn’t work out, you can always turn down the job and tell XH that you’re staying after all because the job offer fell through.

It’s maybe worth a punt to see what he says? He might quite enjoy telling you he won’t have the kids as much.

Doesn't make it right.

Also, I assume men that abandon their children don't love them or care about them.

I can't actually believe that anyone who loves their kids would leave them with someone they know to be abusive for money. Madness.

@Pinkbonbon Dress it up however you want. Denigrating your minor child's other parent to them is shitty parenting. Putting your child in the position of having to pick one parent over the other is even shittier.

Lessons about how to form and negotiate abusive relationships are not lessons that need to be taught to a child far too young to even be considering relationships of their own.

Men do it all the time and no one bats an eye. Go for it.

You'd be paying maintenance, and there is no guarantee you'd get to increase custody again, and it could end up going down as they get older. You've no guarantee there is a role back in your current location in a year, and you've left them a year with someone you basically describe as abusive. I really doubt he'd be agreeable to suddenly,upping your custody when you've had your year away, I know I wouldn't

Do you know what's shittier? Raising children to think that abuse and love are linked.

I do think 10 is a bit young, but given the circumstances...

If I was being used as a pawn to hurt my mother...even at say, 8, I would have wanted to know.

Yes it hurts to find out someone you love isn't who you thought. But life is like that. Irregardless of age.

They deserve at least some of the facts so that they can make informed decisions about who they want in their life.

I think sometimes as adults we forget what it's like to be kids. We paint them in this silly Vale of innocence. Kids aren't stupid. If someone was usung me to hurt my mother I'd bloody well want to know. If someone I loved was a bully to others, I'd be sad, but it would give me all the info to make an informed choice about whether or not I wanted to spend time with them.

Unfortunately, I think your last sentence is very true.

I think it's ok to tell him you plan on this to see what he'll say.
It's worth speaking to a family lawyer and ask them if a court would consider the kids opinion, then if it would speak to your kids about it and ask their opinion.

If they'd like to come with you and a lawyer thinks you'd have a strong case in court to get custody, then I think you should pursue it.

If not I'd be very worried about the long term damage caused by leaving your kids in the custody of a neglectful and abusive man any more than you legally have to.