Page 2 | To consider taking job at other end of country and leaving DC with ExH?

Inneedofmorecoffee · 2024-09-03T09:21:44+00:00

here is the situation- have been offered a big promotion, but involves moving 5-6 hours drive away from home. I have 2 DCs - one in year 5, other about to start year 7. Their dad is my ExH. We currently share 50/50. He won’t let me take the kids. exH was abusive and controlling during marriage and continues to be so. He openly says his aim is to make my life as difficult as possible. he professes to adore the kids ( and they love him) but he is constantly nasty to me and makes co-parenting impossible. Life is a constant battle with him. He also is jealous of my close relationship with my kids ( I’m their mother after all!). he is lazy with the kids and when they are with him he does the minimum and they’re expected to fit in with him. ( trips to the pub with his friends with no kids during weekends). His sole aim with 50/50 was to avoid paying maintenance and to spite me. He never takes them to their clubs im tempted to call his bluff and take the job. It would mean I’d see kids every other weekend for a year. Then I’m hopeful I could use the experience to get a job back in my home city. but I worry about my kids. He actively undermines me and I worry he will destroy my relationship with them. the new job would mean more money for me and the kids and the chance for me to rebuild my future after a devastating divorce. i also don’t think I can take much more of the continued abuse and nastiness from him. Am I crazy to think of doing this?

YellowphantGrey · 03/09/2024 19:19

Inneedofmorecoffee · 03/09/2024 19:13

Just back from work and reading through replies.

thanks so much for all your views- even the ones that are scathing! And thanks for the many supportive and empathetic responses. I expected to get flamed, but I’ve been overwhelmed by the kind replies. I’m broken hearted that he still has the power to mess up my life at every turn, but my priority is my kids and I just need to make the right decision for them.

it’s been really helpful to hear from posters who know the kind of character I’m dealing with. It’s been difficult for me talking to friends in real life who I don’t think appreciate what’s it’s like to parent with such a narcissistic twat!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe your comment about the patio made me laugh - I’m measuring it up! 😂

Why do you think moving 6 hours away and reducing your contact with your children and leaving an abusive man as their primary carer would benefit them?

Original poster

Inneedofmorecoffee · 03/09/2024 19:13

Just back from work and reading through replies.

thanks so much for all your views- even the ones that are scathing! And thanks for the many supportive and empathetic responses. I expected to get flamed, but I’ve been overwhelmed by the kind replies. I’m broken hearted that he still has the power to mess up my life at every turn, but my priority is my kids and I just need to make the right decision for them.

it’s been really helpful to hear from posters who know the kind of character I’m dealing with. It’s been difficult for me talking to friends in real life who I don’t think appreciate what’s it’s like to parent with such a narcissistic twat!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe your comment about the patio made me laugh - I’m measuring it up! 😂

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/09/2024 19:10

Inneedofmorecoffee · 03/09/2024 10:42

Apparently they are too young still for their opinion to have weight. I’ve checked the legal position and it is very difficult for me to move them

also - it’s costs upwards of £30k to take it to court, so even if I’d be guaranteed winning, it’s a huge cost.

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No it doesn't.

You can self represent in family court. It wouldn't cost anything aside from the application fee of a couple of hundred. This is also waived depending on your income.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/09/2024 19:08

Ardrahan · 03/09/2024 10:32

Not if he’s a neglectful and uninvolved parent, no. I’m sorry, OP. That’s shit, but I don’t think you can leave young children with a barely adequate parent FT for a year in the hope you could transfer locally later.

This

I'm sorry but your post seems to be all about you and not about what is best for them. Poor kids.

Original poster

Inneedofmorecoffee · 03/09/2024 19:04

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 03/09/2024 14:03

Reading your updates I think you have answered your own question. It's just not going to work out. I feel really bad for you OP you are in a horrible situation.

I think I have.

OP posts:

Original poster

Inneedofmorecoffee · 03/09/2024 18:36

@SlothOnARope your last post completely nails it. That is my experience of the court system and many other women I know.

The unreasonable person is always at an advantage. Overwhelmingly, that person is the man.

OP posts:

SlothOnARope · 03/09/2024 18:09

“I don't give a flying fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.”

if only the courts had the same attitude, but unfortunately they don’t

This ^ Things have not changed since the 1970s.
In law both parents have 50-50 rights AND 50-50 obligations regardless of whether the father does fuck all in raising the kids.

In practice, in my experience and in the experiences of other women I know, in these cases the courts will always uphold the rights of the father, but not also his obligation to parent his own children fairly and adequately in their best interests.

He is allowed to use the law as a weapon, carry on being an abusive waste of space, channel his energy into emotionally abusing the mother and neglecting his DC's real needs, curtail the mother's ability to provide for DC that only she is parenting properly, and ultimately put the DC in a far worse position long-term than they would've been had they had a responsible caring father.

However, the rights of the mother do not even come into it. She must know her place, or be told it. She has only obligations, and will be judged by everybody else for not fulfilling them to their liking.

Whatafustercluck · 03/09/2024 18:03

Sorry op, it's a shit situation and I'm sorry. But I don't think you should leave your children with an abusive man. The risk of him alienating them from you is very, very high, too. You have too much to lose from this arrangement. He has everything to gain. It's galling though, and incredibly unfair. Don't try to call his bluff or move the dc away either.

NeedToChangeName · 03/09/2024 17:51

SealHouse · 03/09/2024 13:40

twilightermummy
"If I were you, I'd quietly take the job, get a home sorted, sort a school out for the children behind the scenes and then deal with the fallout afterwards. "

I would consider doing this. Call his bluff. If he does go to court do you think it possible (I have no clue about the UK family courts) that by the time it gets to court and a decision is handed down you could have at least a year of valuable career experience under your belt and be ready to move back home to a similar role?

Terrible advice, sorry

Courts can (and do) act swiftly when a parent removes a child from their parent

Mrsknowitall · 03/09/2024 17:40

Please do not do this, he sounds like my ex and will turn your kids against you. I don’t have a relationship with my eldest son now (21) and haven’t done since he was 11 as his dad manipulated him so much. I wish I wasn’t so lenient with him and things might have been different. Don’t let him have a chance to do this to you, the pain is unbearable

AgileGreenSeal · 03/09/2024 17:28

LemonyCoughSyrup · 03/09/2024 16:56

Can’t you just take them with you? Wouldn’t it take ages for the courts to sort it out, and say he can visit you? Why should you have to visit the kids

Edited

The father has parental responsibility (same as the mother). He would need to consent to them going to a new school.

AgileGreenSeal · 03/09/2024 17:22

SealHouse · 03/09/2024 17:10

"Clearly" ? I've acknowledged that I don't know much about UK family law so what's your point?
If you read my post you'll see that I say to the OP that I would "consider" the previous poster's advice based on how the UK courts are likely to view it.
I don't give a flying fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.

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“I don't give a flying fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.”

if only the courts had the same attitude, but unfortunately they don’t.

OhmygodDont · 03/09/2024 17:17

It’s about the children’s rights and best interests.

He could be a shit husband a shit boyfriend and a bit lazy.

But he is their dad. They have the right to a relationship with him. They have the right to have 50/50 with him. The op has zero rights to alone decide to just remove the children without a court order.

All the women on here recommending the op basically run away with her children six hours away and fuck it who cares courts will take forever (they won’t). Just sit for a second and imagine it’s your children’s dad getting this very advice to just take the children and run because he got a better job off and doesn’t want to go from 50/50 to eow.

Seriously just let it sink in. You go to pick up your children or sit waiting for dad to drop them off to find out his moved them six hours away without word of warning or a discussion and says see you in court… you’d be yeah ok that’s reasonable…. No you wouldn’t.

Penguinmouse · 03/09/2024 17:17

If he was abusive, there’s no way I’d leave the kids with him full time. Horrible situation but I’d be so weary of leaving them.

SealHouse · 03/09/2024 17:12

SwingTheMonkey · 03/09/2024 16:34

So, uproot the children, one of which will have started her secondary education, let them settle, make friends, deal with the fallout of what mum has done to dad, then merrily bring them back home when she’s done with that job?

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"what mum has done to dad" ???? Are you for real?
Again, I don't give a fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.

SealHouse · 03/09/2024 17:10

AgileGreenSeal · 03/09/2024 14:49

Terrible advice.

“I have no clue about the UK family courts”

clearly.

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"Clearly" ? I've acknowledged that I don't know much about UK family law so what's your point?
If you read my post you'll see that I say to the OP that I would "consider" the previous poster's advice based on how the UK courts are likely to view it.
I don't give a flying fuck about the parental rights of abusive men.

LemonyCoughSyrup · 03/09/2024 16:56

Can’t you just take them with you? Wouldn’t it take ages for the courts to sort it out, and say he can visit you? Why should you have to visit the kids

SlothOnARope · 03/09/2024 16:55

AgileGreenSeal · 03/09/2024 14:03

It would be even harder to consider leaving helpless children with a “vindictive arsehole” though, wouldn’t it?

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His arseholery might've been confined to his pathetic vendetta against the OP; he might've been a "good-enough" father (OP has since clarified that he isn't) - the point being it's unfair to judge the OP and unfair for mothers to still be having their lives ruined and career prospects trashed because society still thinks women have to do it all AND clear up the emotional/financial carnage caused by adult men who weaponise their DC and refuse to share the parenting burden equally.

BreatheAndFocus · 03/09/2024 16:50

Floppyelf · 03/09/2024 14:44

Fuck that, kids could turn out to be like their dad and treat the OP horribly. No just because your life is measured by children doesn’t mean everyone else’s is. There’s value in independence, adventure, and living your life without any compromise. You have no right to impose your BS on anyone else.

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You sound nice. No, my life isn’t measured by children 🙄 I won’t list all the things I’ve done both before and after children because it would be identifying, but I promise you I’ve done lots - and will continue to do so. It’s perfectly possible to have and care for children, do a job, travel, create, and live a very full life.

Living a life without compromise 100% of the time is living a selfish life really, isn’t it? That’s a rhetorical question BTW. Don’t care about anyone, don’t take anyone else’s needs or feelings into consideration, don’t hesitate to take what you want and f*ck everybody else; sneer at responsibility; choose what you want regardless of what’s right and who it effects.

Fortunately, that way of life doesn’t appeal to many people.

Suzuki70 · 03/09/2024 16:49

Ardrahan · 03/09/2024 10:32

Not if he’s a neglectful and uninvolved parent, no. I’m sorry, OP. That’s shit, but I don’t think you can leave young children with a barely adequate parent FT for a year in the hope you could transfer locally later.

Yes. You can't in one breath say he is a lazy parent who won't bother with them/their clubs for a year and then in the next hand them over. I know it's unfair.

Edit - I know this may be to spite you but there's no guarantee he will get better.

Hazeby · 03/09/2024 16:47

Should someone really be confined to parenthood just because they did it...and then realised it wasn't for them? Should it be a chain?

Yes because you’re responsible for the care of the people you brought into the world. Their physical, emotional and psychological well-being is your job and they’re depending on you for it.

Applies to both parents equally and if either moves away or sees them once a month or whatever then they’re a shit.

Boomer55 · 03/09/2024 16:36

If it’s a court ordered agreement, the OP can’t just take off with the kids.

OP has to make a choice.

SwingTheMonkey · 03/09/2024 16:34

SealHouse · 03/09/2024 13:40

twilightermummy
"If I were you, I'd quietly take the job, get a home sorted, sort a school out for the children behind the scenes and then deal with the fallout afterwards. "

I would consider doing this. Call his bluff. If he does go to court do you think it possible (I have no clue about the UK family courts) that by the time it gets to court and a decision is handed down you could have at least a year of valuable career experience under your belt and be ready to move back home to a similar role?

So, uproot the children, one of which will have started her secondary education, let them settle, make friends, deal with the fallout of what mum has done to dad, then merrily bring them back home when she’s done with that job?

Choochoo21 · 03/09/2024 16:34

Floppyelf · 03/09/2024 14:44

Fuck that, kids could turn out to be like their dad and treat the OP horribly. No just because your life is measured by children doesn’t mean everyone else’s is. There’s value in independence, adventure, and living your life without any compromise. You have no right to impose your BS on anyone else.

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You think OP should leave her kids with a negligent parent, rarely seeing them and put her needs before them, just in case in the future they turn out like their dad??!!

Wow!
I really hope you don’t have kids.

When you choose to have kids, then you make a conscious decision to make sure their basic needs are met.
If you don’t, it makes you a crap parent.

Beezknees · 03/09/2024 16:25

Pinkbonbon · 03/09/2024 16:22

In all fairness whilst i agree with this...
It's arguably just a standard societal norm we adhere to.

In some human societies, boys are considered men at 11, given their own huts and left to their own devices. In Japan, some 5 year olds walk 2 miles to the shop for the groceries by themselves. Kirsty alsop let her 15 year old travel the world unshapperoned as she felt he could hande it.

I think in theory you shouldn't have kids if you aren't prepared to raise them to maturity.

But unfortunately society rather brainwashes women into thinking having kids is some be all and end all thing do lots of women end up essentially trapped and realising it's not for them.

And so long as we keep accepting the drudge work and accepting that we have to stay, that children tie us, women can never truly be free. Sometimes we have to be prepared to be selfish.

Realistically, if a child can be expected to cope with seeing the father fortnightly, surely it should be the same for the mother if needs be too.

Should someone really be confined to parenthood just because they did it...and then realised it wasn't for them? Should it be a chain?

In this case, the other parent is not a suitable person to leave the kids with. But otherwise I'd be inclined to tell op to go too. It's only 1 year afterall.

As is though...not safe to leave them with him.
They need a safe place to escape him at least 50% of the time.

I just think women need to be as prepared as men to step back from the predominant caregiver role if they wish to do so. They should have that same right just like men.

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Yes, you should be confined to parenthood even if you feel it's "not for you." You're an adult, they're the child, so act like one.

I don't think men should be able to step back from that role either!