Misery loves company (New mums)

I also hate this! It's always older women who say 'you wait until their teens!'. I'm like ok, let's swap. You have my 1 and 3 year olds for the weekend and I'll take your teens who are probably out most of the time anyway. Really fucks me off.

My son didn't sleep for longer than 45m at a time for the first 6m until we sleep trained, nearly killed us honestly. Whenever I used to hear of people with sleepers I would just feel very pleased for them! Good for them! Every baby is different so of course our experiences will all be different :)

Op, I totally get everything you said here. I'm sorry others seems to have taken it up incorrectly.

Like you, I now have my gorgeous little one after years of IVF and loss... I'm so so grateful for my baby, I think that's the point others have missed...

Sure, parenting can be tough, but like other situations in life some find comfort in sharing war stories and complaining in unison.

For those of us who've taken the long (long long) road to parenthood, all the shitty parts are overshadowed by the pure feeling of joy...sure tantrums and Poonamis are not fun but I am so blessed to have my longed-for baby.

I found it so tough listening to other new mums constantly complaining about their babies...but I then began to feel sorry for them - they were missing out on some precious moments.

Yup

I think you’ve shown that you’re not above misrepresenting things yourself, OP.

Guess we're just ToxicMumsnet 😂

None of my children have been good sleepers - and my IVF twins are particularly horrendous - and I'm a single mother....I can honestly say I've never felt angry bitchy or "salty" when another mother (of a single baby!) has said how well their baby sleeps I usually have the upmost admiration that they have their baby in a routine and have their shit together in ways I may not have. But I don't grumble about it or be mean.

I think you are perhaps seeing something that isn't there - I can't imagine that you come across this saltiness or anger as much as you make out? In 8 years of parenting I've certainly never experienced it either directed at me or anyone else I know

Why can't you just say 'ah we're really lucky she sleeps well, for now!'? Quite a few mums in my nct group had great sleepers and it was a non issue. If you're really coming across this much hostility there is something else happening, and the simmering anger that comes across in your posts is probably it 😂.

I mean, I would have hated your guts tbh, what with my middle one who woke 10 times a night and then up for the day at 4am, basically til she was 3 😂

And yes, their misery does love company cos it actually makes you feel better when you know it's not just you.

Just ignore if you can't relate but don't belittle their misery

4 months old…. That’ll be all.

I know what you mean that some new mums expect your life to be ruined. When I'd meet up with new mums a lot of it would be complaining and I'd just smile and commiserate and internal thank my good luck that I had an easy pregnancy, birth and baby.

Same once baby was a bit older where people talk about are they a good eater, health issues, milestones (though by that point there's less complaint but more complaining).

Just smile and move on.

Babies isn't the only area of life where this happens, it's just where people are tired and stressed so they complain a lot to bond.

I've found in any area where you find life easy and other people are finding it hard and question you hoping to find you're finding it equally hard so they can bond with you over that, well, there's an easy solution. Smile, commiserate and then move on with your happy carefree life.

It doesn't need to get you down. Quite the opposite in fact. I think other people's incessant complaining is really a reminder of how much luck has come our way and how many things not within our control, like health and easy circumstances, have worked out for us.

Hear the complaints, notice you're lucky and cherish your happy life.

For someone who is so happy you are coming across very angry. Maybe just relax a bit , they just had a different experience than you, all experiences are valid. You might be saying something different when you get to the toddler/teenager stage. I wouldn't get too far ahead of myself. 😉

I get it OP. Not about having a baby but just people generally dragging you down deliberately. Unless you’re actually trying to be spiteful you aren’t doing anything wrong. Your baby sleeping doesn’t make their baby sleep less after all and you can still sympathise. I have this with a friend who is single, she’s upset when anyone mentions their DH. A passing comment like ‘DH and I are going away that week’ sets her off, there’s no logic to it at all.

Sorry but you sound smug, even if you don't mean to. The friends that I posted about earlier said when the kids were much older about how careful they were not to rub our faces in 'how easy parenting a newborn was' . Dh and I were too stunned at their rudeness to correct them!

I had the same experience. For years at my work someone would go off and have a baby then come back and explain how awful the whole thing is (presumably they do actually love having kids too). There was a guy in particular that always stands out in my memory. He was sleeping on a camp bed on the floor of the nursery at one point then they had another baby and it just got worse. He literally never slept. The women who had babies at my work were the same, always saying how many times their baby had been up and saying to people like me that we should never have kids. I really braced myself for the worst. I didn’t know how I was physically going to cope with that.

I got an ‘easy baby’ and he slept 12 hours a night from 8/10 weeks. He had two naps a day too, the second one was often 3 hours. I felt calm and happy for the first time in years! I didn’t realise at first that I should keep this a secret and when asked, by people if I visited work for example, how my baby slept I would say yeah great! Every single time it was always ‘oh just wait til he teething! That will be a nightmare!’ Then when we seemed to dodge that one it was, ‘wait for the X month sleep regression’! None of it ever came. He’s 3 and hasn’t been up during the night ever (other than literally one or two nights being ill) in his life!

I’ve now got a second baby and of course got the build up to that of ‘I bet this one doesn’t sleep’! He’s 1 and guess what, I got another sleeper 😆 People refuse to believe these babies exist it seems, if they haven’t had that experience themselves. Now if anyone talks about their baby not sleeping I just nod and stay quiet. If I’m asked about mine I am as vague as possible and just avoid the subject. It’s weird though that it’s fully supported for everyone to tell potential mum/dad’s to be about how awful parenting can be and how you’ll never sleep again, but the second anyone tries to say that it might not be like that, they are accused of boasting. Yes people obviously want a realistic view of parenting before entering into it but why just scare everyone and make it seem like there’s no alternative? 🤦🏼‍♀️

Gosh OP. Given that you can't see that people are trying to show you the other side of the coin tells me you should work on your emotional intelligence skills. Will come in handy when you have a screaming toddler or a stroppy teenager.

Op- they are asking because they want to find someone going through the same as them to empathise with them. They do not want to hear your baby sleeps through every night- trust me! Just smile, say something neutral like not too badly now thanks and move on....
Nb at 4 months I had a baby who slept the night-2 weeks later I had a baby who woke up screaming at what seemed like increasingly frequent intervals for the next couple of months until someone flipped a switch and he went back to sleeping perfectly. Sleep regression is a thing I hope won't happen to you- but don't be surprised if it does.

I've no idea what the 'toxic mummy culture' is and have never experienced it. I adore being a mum, being friends with other mums, and relating to them on the topic of motherhood. I find mum groups and circles to be full of empathy, support, humour and kindness.

Yes this - it's frankly weird that you're meeting so many 'salty as fuck' women - it's not something I experienced at all. Some people would have a moan sure, but I never felt like anyone was actively rooting for me to be unhappy, and even when I was really struggling myself my focus would be on getting through the day rather than giving much of a shit how anyone else was coping (although it was always reassuring/ comforting to know when others were finding similar aspects hard).

I do remember being pregnant and posting a thread on here asking if it really could be all that bad, as that's the message I also kept getting - but thinking about it that was mostly online. And as for 'mummy culture' whatever that is, again the only really negative elements of it I've encountered have been online too.

My DD is 4 now (she also arrived after years of fertility struggles) and I remember parts of the baby years as being incredibly hard, and other parts as being the most blissful times. Very much up and down, as it still is and as I imagine it will continue to be for the rest of my life as a parent. I can't imagine, even in the really hard bits, actively wanting another mum to be miserable and I'm sure nobody really wants you to be miserable either - and if they do then you're clearly mixing in the wrong crowds.

Misery loves company. Well that was true for me, I was really miserable and I needed company. I had fertility struggles. But also an extremely difficult baby that barely slept and horrific PND.

I was aware what a gift he was and hated myself through and through for not being able to enjoy him like other mums enjoyed their babies.

People aren't pissing on your chips, they're
struggling. If you find talking to them annoying just smile, move on and continue to enjoy your baby. If you've got an easy baby then you can crack on and do loads of nice things while they're portable.

Another great post.

@Smurf1993 you should read what this poster has written. You could learn a lot.

This is a great post.

have they grown out of their first size is an interesting choice of a neutral/happy topic, because all the women I know were at least a little bit antsy until their babies had regained birth weight, and one friend was absolutely frantic about it after her daughter was seriously ill post birth.

Getting enough sleep is the magic bullet. It IS different if your baby sleeps through, simple as that. I was blessed with a baby who did. I have seen previously happy, easygoing, anxiety free friends completely destroyed and suicidal by lack of sleep after having babies. I still had PND but my life would have been a million times worse if she hadn’t slept well. I don’t think you’re in a position to judge, although appreciate it’s difficult when others are being negative about an experience you’re enjoying.

I think you’re being unfair, I went through years of IVF and recurrent miscarriages and still found having a baby very hard.

I had a c-section and preeclampsia and then a colicky, high needs baby who didn’t sleep through until almost a year. No family nearby to help. Physically it was utterly brutal. Of course I love my daughter and being a mother, and though it was hard it wasn’t the sad hard of infertility. But I was at the limit of what I could endure physically.