AIBU in expecting my teen boys to have tidy rooms

This is perfect 👏

Clean and without food debris? yes
Tidy? no
I like a certain level of tidy downstairs and in my bedroom but I won't impose that on anyone else in their own bedrooms unless it impacts them in some way - such as desk too cluttered to do homework effectively or similar

I’m with you and possibly stricter. All food is eaten in kitchen unless we are having a movie night and then I’ll do popcorn / snacks in the sitting room. Only water in carpeted areas. Laundry in a basket. Stuff put away. I have lots of ikea drawers so just a case of chucking it in. Clean laundry put away properly. I’ll go in once a fortnight and dust/ change bedsheets/ give it a proper hoover/ check stuff isn’t just being kicked under the bed. It doesn’t take very long as not very messy.

Surely it’s part of training them to be functional member of society? If you make a sandwich put the plate / knife in the sink and wipe table if necessary. I was a cleaner for a while (back in a professional job now) I was appalled to see the way some men (possibly women too but this was a group of men) would litter the worktops/ tables/ floors with crumbs and stickiness every day, somehow leave poo smear on toilet seat. It’s so disrespectful to whoever you are sharing a space with.

I expect mine to keep his room tidy too. However I'm happy with his bedroom being his private space, I would not want him coming into my bedroom unannounced and so I do the same with him.

Tidiness isn’t an optional extra. It means you redecorate less often

How does having things lying around on your desk, for example, mean you have to redecorate more often? It's not a choice between pristine as a showroom or smearing your own excrement on the walls.

I don't think it's unreasonable nor do I think it's needed. I had a hugely dirty bedroom as a teenager and manage fine as an adult. Do what works for you and your family, but don't be surprised if it isn't everyone's top priority.

As you seem to have a very clear idea that you are not being unreasonable, and have articulated it at some length, it's difficult to see why you asked the question.

My son's is somewhat is in the middle. He brings down cups/bowls regularly, he picks away at surface cleaning and every once in a while will blitz it. Most of the time he's pretty messy though (17). My daughter (15) is very tidy and takes a lot of pride in her room. My other daughter (13) is a gremlin and lives in a hovel. It's quite a small room and tbf she cleans and tidies it at least once a week, she's just incapable of keeping it tidy.

They won't live here forever. I pick my battles. They all still want to spend time with us and help out a lot with the dog/tidying shared spaces, so I'm okay with a nessy bedroom.

Is it unreasonable to want it? No.

Is it unreasonable to expect it to happen? Probably.

Does it matter? Not if you simply accept that that's teenagers for you - and not just boys.

Does this mean they will grow up to be slovenly, unhygienic, careless husbands? No. Some do, some don't. But almost all teenagers have disastrous bedrooms.

We started it young with a daily tidy but their rooms were just for sleeping in as they had a playroom downstairs so were able to leave toys out. It was mainly clothes they removed were to be put in the laundry basket and any books read were put away. The habit of a daily tidy has meant that now at 21 and 18 their rooms are clean and tidy.

We also implemented tidying after dinner, table wiped, place mats put away, everyone in the kitchen putting things into the dishwasher, cleaning worktops etc and no one left the kitchen until it was all done.

I think these things mean they are used to it just like brushing their teeth. Chores/expectations are built up from toddler years so by mid teens they were cooking family dinners, they stripped their beds and put them on to wash. It depends on what chores they do now as to whether they are even used to chores.

My 16 year old does his own room, has done since he started secondary school. Puts his washing away, polishes, tidies and vacs once a week.

We don't have a cleaner though, I prefer to teach my ds how to do it as he might not have a cleaner to do it for him

I try not to but every so often I have to do a glass run.....🫣

YABU for conflating (un)tidiness with "spills, damage and rotting food".

I reject your polarisation of the issue actually.
It's not a binary between "tidy, good role modelling" and "theirs to neglect and damage should they so wish"

From my pov it's their space. It's not rubbish about brain development - planning, organisation, impulse control are executive functions which are based in the frontal lobes and not fully developed in teens. Of course some teens are very organised, these things are a spectrum. I have one son whose room is immaculate, bed made, every day, and another whose room is like a bomb site. One is logical and mathematical, the other creative and expressive.

I am good role modelling by keeping the rest of the house clean and tidy. I think allowing my boys to have a space where no one is on at them and they can live how they wish is ok. This does not mean it's a no go zone. I expect dirty laundry in the basket (or it doesn't get washed). I expect dirty plates and cups returned to kitchen. I expect bins to be emptied every week on bin day. I just don't care if his floor isn't tidy. It's his room and he will learn that things get lost and broken if you don't have some kind of system in place.

Yes.
We don't tend to stay longer than a few days in one location.
A hotel bedroom isn't as private as my own bedroom though, surely that's obvious.

No food upstairs is a rule here but I really do not go in dc rooms. It is their private, personal space and I respect that. We have a bring glasses down when the cupboard seems sparse but I honestly respect that they want and need privacy. They hoover once a month, bring down their laundry so I leave them to it.

What do you mean when you say you have to 'give them a nudge' occasionally? What happens if their rooms are not up to your exacting standards?

It sounds absolutely stifling and souless to me and I'm not surprised they don't want to put up any posters. However, they'll fit right in to a military career where dorm inspections are the norm and the soldiers iron their hospital corners and sleep on the floor so that they don't mess up their beds.

I think your expectations are a bit high. I do expect my teens to tidy there rooms but it's not a weekly thing. My daughter is much better at it as likes a tidy space herself. My son has to be promoted, I don't expect them to leave food in there rooms and we don't eat in bedrooms as a rule. Maybe the odd snack if studying, but no meals.

Son has a tendancy to hord cloths but then if he doesn't have clean cloths because he's not put them in the wash that's his problem. I don't go remove them from his room.

I do see it as there space for them to clean and tidy and we don't really go in there unless we need to retrieve them for some reason. I always knock.
But we don't have a cleaner either and I don't clean their rooms, they do.

My room was a pigsty as a teen! I just didn't care. My kids aren't teens yet but the battle to keep the room tidyish is ongoing already

If their rooms are reasonably tidy with the odd nudge then you obviously don't have messy kids. I have one child like that. With the others it's constant nagging or they would live in chaos.

I'm not fussed about tidy.
Kids are responsible for cleaning their own rooms in the main.
We have a no food or drinks rule upstairs. I do go in their rooms but also respect their privacy - I wouldn't walk in when they're in their rooms without asking and I wouldn't tidy their private things.